Monday, January 30, 2012

The 7 Stages of Realizing You Are Probably Not Going to Have Sex For a Really Long Time

Remember the other day (aka yesterday) when I spoke of how I came to accept the fact that I probably won't be having sex for at least the next 3 years of my life?

Well, actually it was a lot more complicated than that. I went through a series of emotions over the course of several months and only just recently come to terms with this fact of my life.**

So, with no further ado, ladies and gentlemen, I am pleased to present that which I gone through great pains to compile: The very, very scientific 7 stages of realizing you are probably not going to have sex for a really long time

1. Shock and Denial
No sex? For how long? Impossible. That is simply impossible! I'll find someone. I will resort to a fuck buddy if I have to. Even if he has weird chest hair. No, surely things will even out, just give it a little time is all. A good opportunity will show up in no time.

2. Pain and Guilt
No sex? For how long? How am I going to function? I will go insane. I AM going insane. Why did I ever put myself in this situation? It was such a mistake. How can this be happening to me??

3. Anger
This is not ok! These idiots wouldn't see someone sexy if it were sitting on their lap, doing horribly perverted and unspeakable acts. It is all other people's fault. They are the ones creating situations where there is barely even a possibility of sex. ARGH! I am so horny right now I could just scream.

4. Bargaining
Alright, I am just going to make my life SO busy there won't even be time to think about sex. And I am going to wait 4 weeks, and if something doesn't happen, I will MAKE it happen. Just you see. Besides, none of my friends are really having good sex anyways. It is not like I am missing out on anything.

5. Depression, Reflection, and Loneliness
Oh my god, I am never going to have sex again. No one will ever love me. I am going to lay in this bed forever. I am never coming out. I will just be here, alone, until the end of time, all dried up, snuggling with this body pillow. I will probably end up with a dozen cats. Maybe I should jump the gun and go get them all now. Start early. Please...just don't even talk to me anymore. Me and this bucket of ice cream having catching up to do. Maybe I just have too many issues, you know? No one wants to be with a crazy person. God, where did I go wrong?

6. Reconstruction and Working Through
Ok, so I have managed to pull myself out of bed downtown to the seedy sex shop and bought the nicest vibrator I could afford ($5). I guess this will tide me over, for now anyways. And you know, there is that cute guy from starbucks I see sometimes. He is totally not my type, but its fun to think about, if you know what I mean.

7. Acceptance and Hope
You know, I am really productive when I am not thinking about sex all the time. I even have time to get myself in shape! Maybe if I do that, some guy will eventually hit on me. Some DECENT guy. But you know, guys around me these days are really stupid, and I don't want to settle for some loser. So I will wait for the right person and in the meantime do other things that I want to do. And maybe one day, in the future, I will have sex again....Yea.... Everything is going to be ok.

**I'd like to just say, for the record, that I am not really THAT obsessed with sex. If I were, I would be out there doing it like a slutty slut-face, and not here, complaining about it. I could probably write the same post about pasta. And knowing me, I probably will...Yea, you know what? If reading this kind of grosses you out, just replace the word sex or anything to do with sex with pasta and pasta-related vocabulary. That is also my life right now.

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