Tuesday, July 30, 2013

The Fucked Up Circle of Friendship: Chapter 4: Nope, No Title, But I Promise This is the End.

I know it's a lot to read. Congratulations on making it this far! Cookies for all of you. In the form of lots of pictures.  

Chapter 4: Nope, I Still Haven't Thought of a Good Title Yet

You can probably see where this is going.

I thought there would be an easy choice. Or at least a right choice. HA. I should have known better than to assume something like that. After the events leading up to and that occurred on the 4th of July, Colorado showed me that I can be just an unhappy there as I can be in California, as I had suspected. So either way I would decide, I knew it was gonna be a tough road.

Speaking of which, the house I currently occupy in California's plumbing has seemingly exploded, and my roommates decided they don't want to put up with it anymore--and frankly I don't want to put up with them eating all my goldfish and sweet potatoes anymore-- so they decided to decline renewing the lease that expires at the end of August. We all have to find a new place to live in about a month. Meanwhile, I've applied to transfer to be a part time student at an art school in Denver and take a leave of absence from my school in Laguna Beach. I've also started a job hunt in Colorado and begun looking into storage options for all my things in California.

So I guess it is starting to get official.

It isn't that I entirely hate California. There are some really nice things about this place.

Even though the lack of seasons feel like there is no passage of time and thus adds to my crazy, I have gotten pretty used to it always being 80 degrees and pleasant outside.

 Meri in pleasant California weather:

Meri in actual cold weather:
I used to live in Canada. I used to be practically immune to cold. But not anymore.

There are lots of good job opportunities.

Jobs that I keep failing to get. But it's nice that they are there. I think.

(Yes, Blizzard lured me with hopes of a paid internship, coolness, unicorns, and real live donuts)

And perhaps the best part of SoCal is the pole dancing scene out here. There are so many great studios, instructors, and events. I love being at the epicenter of the North American pole world. I feel so blessed to be getting world class pole instruction on a regular basis. Perhaps the only time I ever feel like I am happy or that things might be ok out here are when I am in the pole studio or when I leave shortly after, and I'm still on my endorphin high.

For a few moments everything is blissful and at peace.

Then I come home

 and the reality of being a real adult sets in

 and I'm like

These events have become my daily ritual. 

But that is not to say that none of those things won't be waiting for me when I am ready to come back, once I've settled my head and heart a little bit and figured out who I want to be and what I want to be doing. Which I may not discover for a very long time, but at the very least I could use a little break from...all of...


Because to be honest, I've started feeling a little bit better ever since the back of my brain made the decision. My heart feels lighter at the thought of leaving. I feel like I can see a light at the end of the tunnel. Things are going to be ok. They really are. I'll have seasons and real food again. Oh and family and friends and support and all that stuff. It'll be great.

(Also, a year of training and conditioning hardcore for strength and maybe I'll finally be ready to try and dip my feet into the competitive pole scene in SoCal, which is just CHALK-FULL of amazing talent. Or at the very least, maybe I'll be ready to be an instructor. Which I just recently decided was a goal of mine. )

I may not know what I want to do with my life or what I want in my career, whether I want to write television comedy, work in storyboarding, join the circus, become a stripper, get my truck driving license, or just blog to my heart's content. I find myself slowly letting go of all the "perfect" expectations I've ever had about my life or who I will be. In part this is painful, like I am letting go of a baby or a really adorable puppy I've been taking care of for a really long time. In part it is terrifying, because I am afraid I will let go of too much and end up becoming nothing but a mediocre, freeloading bum. In part it is freeing and beautiful because I finally feel like the world is opening up to me to explore and enjoy. I can take my time with my life and just appreciate the process of finding a creative niche, who I want to be, and what I want to do. Which at the current moment is a big fat mystery. But I do know one thing for sure that I need right now.

I need friends.

This brings us to the title of this whole shenanigan saga: The Fucked Up Circle of Friendship.

I really suck at the whole friend thing.


I've alienated all the halfway decent friendships I had in California. I struggle to make new ones because I feel like I don't belong and then I beat myself up about it. I have let the majority of my friendships back in Colorado die over time. I ended up sleeping with the people who I really just need to be my friends and now feel all awkward and sad about it. When I do manage to do things and reach out towards people, I see little in return, and it is usually because I am really only doing it for my own selfish reasons anyway. I get paranoid and clingy when friendships start to die out. So paranoid that I let them die when they don't really have to. I'm too self absorbed and self conscious to make anything work.

I guess you could say my circle of friendship is pretty fucked up.

I don't know how to functionally connect with people and make a happy metaphorical circle, but I really, really want to. I want to be able to ask people to hang out or talk to my friends without feeling insanely anxious about it.

Turns out I'm not very good at friendship circle time.

Remember in Chapter 2, when I wrote about the slightly drunken moment in the field, where all the things I wish deep down that I could do with people --eye contact, honest conversation, physical contact-- were real for a second? When all those things came together, it was like a rainbow unicorn explosion of

I have had plenty of free time in which I have turned things over in my head so many thousands of times that I just have a pulp of memories, slightly more crazypants syndrome, and some idea of what is actually good for me... Turns out, I don't need a relationship to make those things happen. I don't need sex or any of the other bullshit. I just need friends.

I already knew this, of course. What else is this blog about? But I guess sometimes even I forget. Loneliness is a confusing feeling.

So that is what I want to work on, on top of all the other personal goals about my blog, writing, dance training, and other art that I am setting for myself during this next chapter of my life. The most important thing to me right now is figuring out how I can function with the other people in my life in a way that satisfies me. I want to have solid, fulfilling, balanced, and most importantly functional friendships. I don't know HOW to make that happen, but dammit, I'm gonna try. For real.

Life decisions are difficult for me to make. In 8th grade, it took me months to decide what high school I wanted to go to. And I still ended up changing my mind once. Almost twice.

They're all so different!

As it turns out, high school was going to suck no matter where I went. As it does for everyone.... Hopefully college isn't the same way?

But this-- the going home for a bit-- this is something I feel pretty confident about. And that says a lot. I just feel it in my gut. This is what I've wanted for a long time. Hopefully it IS the right choice, but no matter what, I know it will be difficult and challenging. Above all else, it will be a new kind of education. Which I guess I could use.

Wish me luck.

Thursday, July 25, 2013

The Acro Yoga Date But Not

Part 2 in the Summer Fitness Smorgashboard!

I've never been on a real "date."

I suppose I've made plans and done nice things with the few guys I've had relationships with, but I have never just straight up gone out with someone who asked "to go out on a date" with me or anything like that, or at least not in a way that I thought was serious.

However, I've definitely been in multiple situations where I thought I was just hanging out with a guy and suddenly wondered in panic, "Wait...is this a date?!?" For example, one time in high school a friend of mine had a male friend who thought she and him were in a relationship, even though they had never kissed, held hands, or discussed the matter. When she appeared to be very uncomfortable around him because of this, he apparently thought it would help ease the tension in their "relationship" if he set up a double date, as if bringing a friend along might make it suddenly not awkward. Yes. That would definitely fix the problem.

Poor fellow.

When my friend invited me to go see a movie with her, this guy, and some other dude at his request, neither of us thought much of it until someone else pointed out that it looked like a double date situation. Me and my friend looked at each other in horror. What had we just agreed to do? I could not back out because apparently I had been specifically requested. This may have been a lie to convince me to go. I'm not sure.

When we got to the movie theater, it was all sorts of awkward, especially because the guy who I was supposedly set up with did not talk to me at all. He didn't even look at me. We sat through Splice, which was possibly the worst movie I have ever seen to this day. Afterwards, we sat outside, still very awkwardly, in front of King Soopers eating Oreos and drinking out of 4 straws stuck into a single gallon of milk... We were in high school, ok? You can't do fun things in high school, it's against the rules. My friend and her male friend were still being weirdly dating but not around each other. The guy I had been "set up with" continued to ignore my existence.

It was so romantic.

You'd be surprised how often things like this happen to me.

Being on a dating site has changed my being asked out experience quite considerably. Suddenly I get five messages a day asking "how did you get into pole dancing," "if you'd like to chat," or "maybe you'd like to get coffee sometime?" I have yet to actually take anyone up on the ever so boring and generic coffee date for obvious reasons, but I have finally officially met up with one guy from said dating site.

His original message to me was actually pretty plain and boring. I would have ignored it completely had I not browsed his profile and realized that he was in fact a break dancer. It has been a not so secret dream of mine to learn how to break dance for awhile. Being able to spin on my head specifically has been on my badass checklist for a long time. (Note to self: make an actual badass checklist). When he told me his specialty was spinning on his head and that he was also looking for an acro yoga partner, I was all in. I wanted him to teach me ALL the cool things and thus increase my badass levels. Maybe I should feel bad for only talking to a guy because there was something I wanted from him...


But I don't.

I guess that makes me a bad person.

Maybe I'd discover he was actually cool and everything would be fine?



We exchanged numbers and set up a time to get together and try out acro yoga. He asked me to come up with a location which was an especially fun challenge because I go all of four places in Orange County on a regular basis: home, school, grocery store, pole studio. Seeing as home, school, and probably the grocery store were out of the question, I of course decided we should just meet in the park next to my pole studio. At least that way I could know that if people were in class they could keep an eye on me and make sure I didn't get kidnapped or something.

I had the brilliant idea to have him come meet me right after my aerial hoop class, so I was nice and sweaty to be all impressive to him. That is what guys like to see in a woman, right? Like so many times before, I was in yet another situation where I wasn't sure if what I was doing was a date or not. We had met on a dating site, but the word "date" had never been officially brought up. Maybe we were just two people who platonically wanted to work out in a really weird way. Maybe. I had no idea. So I was pretty anxious about meeting him.

Pro tip: Always be super hot when meeting new dudes. And by super hot, I mean sweaty.  They'll be really into it. 

He showed up at last and we found a decent spot to do acro yoga in the park which no one actually hangs out in. It's just this giant patch of grass next to an outdoor shopping mall that is just one of many of California's excuses for "scenery" in a suburban hell hole. But it would do.

If you don't know what acro yoga is, let me explain. It is a fused form of yoga, acrobatics, and thai massage where one person, generally the larger and male one, lays with their back on the ground and their feet in the air, while another person, the smaller, female one-- or the "flyer,"-- sits on top of their feet and gets into all sorts of bizarre positions... Because we can?

Here are some pictures if you are having trouble imagining it.

This is obviously the first move we tried. 

I know. It's pretty weird isn't it? But also awesome. I think. 

This guy, we'll call him Brandon, which may or may not just be his actual name (I only use pseudonyms for people I actually want to keep talking to me), kept telling me it was all an exercise in trust as he led me through some basic positions. I found this particularly ironic as I had never met or knew anything about him. For all I knew he could have had an elaborate plan to drop me on my head for no good reason other than the fact that he wanted to be a meanie-head jerk.

But he did not. So that was good.

I sat my bum on his feet and moved around in all sorts of strange positions, holding hands and trying not to stare into his face too weirdly/closely and trying really, really hard to be good at what I was doing. I know it may seem like I am really physically fit and capable, but most of that is an illusion. I still struggle with a lot of basic acro, so even things like handstands are really tricky for me. This became apparent when we attempted to a do roll that involved me swinging my hips into his feet by doing a weird cartwheel in his hands. I failed over and over again and kept landing my ass on the ground. He probably thought I was lame.

Eventually, we gave the whole acro yoga thing a rest, even though it wasn't really that hard for me stamina wise. All I had to was balance. I mean, I suck at balance, but you know. I could have kept going for awhile. But Brandon had been holding me up for some time now and was probably pretty tired. Seeing as how he had at least 80 lbs on me, we couldn't really switch roles.

Instead we sat and talked for a little while, showing each other pole and break dance videos of ourselves and "got to know each other." This is the part where I started to wonder if it was a date, because conversation got into that really weird/boring realm of topics like, "what kind of music are you into?" As if it really matters in a functional relationship if people like the same music. When we got lunch, however, it became clear it was not much of a date, as he didn't pay for my meal. Or maybe he just sucks at taking girls out, who knows? Anyway, I proceeded to offend him by making fun of communications majors and how useless they are (guess what his major was?) and when he started talking about how much he liked food, I got a little too enthusiastic and wouldn't stop talking about how much I could eat. He eyed me really awkwardly as I finished every grain of quinoa in my bowl, like it is weird to clean your plate or something.

 I thought you said you liked food, dude. Come on. Step up.
We parted ways shortly after and said we'd do it again sometime. It's been over a month and I have yet to hear from him again, and it is not like I'm going to try to contact him. It's not that the acro yoga wasn't fun-- it was actually pretty entertaining and challenging-- it was just a weird non-date-but-is-it? situation that I don't really want to deal with again. I don't know why he has not gotten in touch with me. Maybe he thought I was weird. Maybe he thought I was too sweaty. Maybe he thought I sucked at acro yoga. In any case, it'll probably be awhile before I find another guy willing to do that with me.

And I never go to learn how to break dance! Dammit!

Ah, oh well. I'm over it. I'll find another guy to use. Or maybe I'll just pay for classes when I one day have a job. Who knows.

So! In accordance with my Summer Fitness Smorgashboard reviews, let's go over the following:

Acro Yoga!

Best Parts: Flying in the air and being all flexible and badass

Worst Parts: Being so physically close and failing with a stranger.

Who I'd recommend it for: People who like contortion and yoga and other weird things

Would I do it again?: Yes, if it were with a cool person and not a stranger who thinks I'm weird for eating a lot even though he said he liked to eat a lot.

Monday, July 22, 2013

How To Get Over a Boy in 12 Easy Steps

You probably heard about my failure at summer romance YET AGAIN, huh?

One day I'll have a summer fling. One day. Probably when "summer" stops being a thing in my life and it'll just be, like, a normal relationship or whatever.

Ha. Who am I kidding? There is no such thing as a normal relationship.

I'mma be single fo' eva suckas.

...Please ignore the muffled sobbing sounds.


I've been going through that special time in a girl's life when she is all sad because a boy doesn't like her and I realized I have started to become pretty good at this. When I was young and had my heart broken, my innocence shattered and destroyed, and was emotionally scarred forever for the first time, it was really hard to get over the boy. It took me all of 5 years for that first time. But after being rejected time and time again, I'm starting to get it down to a science!

Don't get me wrong, it's still an excruciating process that makes you want to rip your chest to shreds because you just can't stand the pain and damage to your self esteem any longer... but at least there seems to be a developing method to the madness. Hooray! So here it is: 12 Easy Steps to Getting Over a Boy.

Wait, did I say 12? I was lying to you. It is actually an indefinite number of steps and basically never really ends. I just said 12 because that makes it seem more marketable.

DISCLAIMER: There are really 1,001 ways to get over a boy, I'm just writing from my own dysfunctional experience. Which subsequently means none of this probably works. But you can try it out if you want, and if does work you should endorse me so I can become famous and a millionaire and write self help books to ruin a lot of people's lives. 

Also, if you ignore all my sexism this all totally applies to guys getting over girls, too. At least, I think so. I've never had to do that myself. 


Part A: Contemplation and Reflection 

1. Be realistic

*Note hot guy jeans. Proof that this is perfect man. 

Don't do this to yourself 
Nit pick!!

The first and most important thing to do is to sit down and reflect carefully and thoughtfully over the situation that just occurred. Contemplate where it went wrong. I don't mean for you to contemplate where YOU went wrong. Oh no. You are perfect. Don't ever forget that. You should think about why HE sucks. In infinite ways. There are a million reasons why it would have never worked anyway.

Sometimes it's easy. Maybe he was actually kind of a douche bag to everyone but you because he just wanted to get in your pants. Maybe he was a smoker and you hate cigarettes. Maybe he was an abusive alcoholic high school drop out junkie with no job, anger management problems, and commitment issues. Maybe he didn't use proper grammar when he texted you.

But sometimes you have to dig deep. Maybe he had a funny shaped mole that secretly freaked you out that you were just pretending to ignore. Maybe he was lactose intolerant and you have an unshakable bond with milk. Maybe he didn't spend enough time on Facebook to be considered a regular user and that was just kind of a weird concept to you.

Either way, you two were never meant to be. Because he sucks. Just accept that.

2.  Stay true to yourself and your standards 

Consider for a moment your standards. The reason things did not work out is probably because the two of you were not on the same page with what you wanted from a partner. Seeing as you are the girl, your standards were probably a lot higher than his. Not to be sexist or anything. Or maybe I do. Whatever. (Girlsruleboysdrool!)

This is the point in which you should think about lowering your standards. Maybe you COULD just be  a meaningless piece of ass for him to take advantage of, stroke his ego with, then eventually forget about and move on with. That would be, ok, right? Better than nothing, right?

Hint: The key to this step is to bitch slap yourself before/after you say "yes," and be like "Gurl you kno betta dan dat. You one fine piece a ass an you deserve a boi who will hold ya hand and buy you milkshakes n shit, girlfrand."

3. Give it some space

Alienate that sucker.

Be sure at this point to annoy the boy so much with the emotions connected to your vagina that he stops talking to you. Even though he said he just wanted to be friends, we all know that is total bullshit so make sure to turn that into a reality. Just keep talking to him like "normal." This will sniff him and his bullshit out. Prove that he really never wanted to be friends. Because pain is fun. It reinforces the fact that you have to get over this jerk.

4. Think Forward

Think about your actual potential to be with someone in the near future. Let's be honest, you are really weird. Your life is weird. Things are in a weird place. How hard would a relationship actually fail right now? Pretty hard.

You are going to be single for a long time. That's ok. One more loss to add to the pile? No big deal.

Part B: The Actual Getting Over Part 

5. Get perspective

I call this "hate picture hate"

You are bound to run into this person or at least have to see pictures of them on the internet thanks to the great obligatory shark tank that is social media. You will be tempted to feel sad when this happens. Do not. Instead, force yourself to look at these photos and focus on feelings of dislike or hatred. Browse/stalk their entire Facebook profile and think "IhateyouIhateyouIhateyouIhateyou" over and over again until it becomes fact and you no longer feel sad.

6. Seek Out Alternatives. 

In other words, stare depressingly at dating site profiles. There are hundreds of other fish out in the sea. And they all suck. So who cares?

7. Give somebody new a chance. 

Rebound time!

Start hitting on random strangers on Tinder. At least there are hot people on Tinder. This will keep your flirtation skills sharp and make you feel at least a little good about yourself. Although not when guys don't respond. Ignore this. Keep hitting hard.

(Seriously why did they like my profile if they aren't going to talk to me?)

Me at the bars. This is why I stick to the internet.

If you don't have a smartphone with the Tinder app, I guess you could go to bars and hit on real people, but who does that anymore?

8. Keep Your Skills Sharp

Continue to make out with the back of your hand at night in bed in the dark because it's strangely comforting and it will help you keep your super awesome make out skills sharp. Don't be afraid of judgement. The back of your hand and you know each other on such an intimate level now that no one can shake the bonds of your boundless love.

9. Do something for you. 

I don't mean this in the friendly-Dove-chocolate-wrapper-go-get-a-pedicure way. I mean this in the you should start masturbating again way.

Masturbating is really healthy for your and your mental state. I know this because of science reasons. You probably stopped because the idea of sex in general started to get kind of depressing, but just like your steamy make out sessions with your wrist, make sure to keep at it because otherwise life is just pointless. What, are we all just going to work, contribute to society, and then die? Screw that. Get your pleasure on.

10. Change your medication.

Make the switch from alcohol to caffeine.

Exclusive footage on exactly how this blog was written

I know I've preached the joys of drinking alone in the past, but when you are particularly lonely and depressed sometimes this really isn't a good idea because it only makes things worse. Then it leads to bad life decisions. Gee. Who would have known.

Instead, try caffeine. It's a drug that is just as addictive and still makes you feel all fuzzy if you have enough of it. The best part is that it boosts your productivity! Screw up you sleeping schedule as much as you can so you start to loose track of what day it is. Soon time will pass and you won't even be aware of it. And then life becomes meaningless and blurry and stupid and boys will become the least of your problems.

11. Exercise 

My advice? Dance like a sexy beast.

Close your eyes, writhe on the ground, sway your hips, let it all loose. Supercharge your sexy energy and be all like "I'm too good for humanity." Expose yourself on the internet because you are kind of slightly an exhibitionist and also it's fun just to look at yourself and get compliments from people.

But really.

Keep moving. Just keep moving.

(That is the only real advice I have in this whole blog)

Part C: The End

12. Let go of all hope 

The absolute worst part of being let down by someone is not the fact that you have to face being single for just a little longer. That's ok, you can function with single. Single is your best game. It's the fact that for a brief moment, a little ray of hope shone down upon you and you thought maybe there was a light at the end of the tunnel. Maybe it would finally be your turn to get on the boat and go for a little cruise. And then it all caved in on you and life just sucks more. That is the part that hurts.

So let go of that hope. That hope is what causes you the pain. As long as you hold to the hope associated with that person, the longer you will prolong your pain. If you really want to get over it, give up hope. Know that it will never, ever work out in any way, shape, or form, and let it go. Move on. Be done. Stop thinking about it.

It sounds depressing. But what did you expect from a blog titled Sexless and Cynical?

Don't you feel better now?

And now you should be over the boy! Easy, right?! I told you so! Go, be free! Enjoy your life! Your lonely, lonely, rejected, singular life! Hooray!!