Sunday, January 29, 2012

An Explanation

Truthfully, the titles of "sexless," and "cynical," were not originally intended for me. However, I thought there was a nice ring to it and made it the title of this blog. And also my life. Because it is true. And here is why.

Even though I am blossoming into the second decade of my life, I have only ever had 2 (yes, two, count em up on one hand baby) real relationships. One "long-term" relationship in high school, and one in my first year of college, which was a very short relationship (but about the same in terms of things that happened). Both were both very melodramatic in a way that makes me too embarrassed to talk about the details. All I will say is in one relationship I was fully on board with taking it seriously, and in the other, it scared the shit out of me. Can you guess which was which??

The reason I have only ever had 2 relationships is not because guys don't pay attention to me...

oh wait...

it is.

Ok, well, guys probably do pay some degree of attention to me. I do have a rather large butt that is hard NOT to notice. If they are into that, anyways. But they might pay attention to my gorgeous, dazzling face if I didn't have a little something called Chronic Bitch Face (the scientific term being Chronicus bitchilithus facetious)

I, like many others, suffer from this disease on a daily basis. I was born with this sickness, and find it crippling in every day life. As a child even the wiliest of comedic photographers could not get me to smile, and growing up I suffered the shame of people asking me "Hey, are you ok? What's wrong?" on a regular basis when I was just sitting there normally and minding my own business. And when I AM pissed off, no one can ever tell. It is crippling!
Of course, paired with my irrational fear of eye contact, talking with my mouth, using words, and all of those other fancy social maneuvers, this makes it very difficult in meeting new people. This includes those human creatures with male genitalia.

Which leads to why the guys who are interested in me are the kind who have lots of mommy issues and want to cling on to me for dear life like a fat kid to his hidden stash of twinkies when his parents want him to go on a diet. They are the ones who actually have the guts to start things. Because they feel they desperately need me. Or at least somebody. I just happen to be around. I also happen to know what video games are, which is a big plus for them.
Now, generally these are very nice, sweet guys. And it can be fun to have someone around who worships the ground you walk on and kisses every one of your toes.

Or it can make you totally INSANE.

When a guy kisses you twice and professes his undying love to you within a week on the relationship, and then wants to start planning your lives together for years into the future...yea it's a little bit freaky. Don't get me wrong, I like being told how I awesome I am, but c'mon guys, even I secretly know I have issues. I guess having boyfriends that cry in the name of romance in front of you can make you just the teeniest bit cynical.

And now to the sexless.
You don't need a relationship to have sex, but it helps. In my case, it is highly preferable. As much fun as those clumsy- and usually drunken- encounters are, I would rather not face the awkward walk of shame and/or the having to look that person in the eye knowing I probably delivered my absolute worst performance ever to them for weeks to come. It's like if you got up on stage to sing and you forgot all the words and had a cold....and then you slept with the audience. And then you had to see them again every day.

I go to a very, very small school that I estimate has a population of about 75% girls. By this math, there might be 100 guys at my school. 20 in my program. 5 or 6 in my class. If it doesn't suck enough that the pool is narrowed down this far, keep in mind that I go to an ART school. In California. Where EVERYONE is weird. The men of LCAD are quite, er, colorful. But more on that later. I have yet to meet one single person that I consider "normal," or in other words "fully socially and mentally functional and flexible." Even if I lowered my standards a disgusting amount, few would even come close to making my list.

So add up all of these things and how could my life be anything BUT sexless and cynical?

At first I was sad when I came upon the realization that I will not be participating in the classic college relationship experiences. You know the one where you get to be a slut half the time and the other half the time you have a pretty decent boyfriend because guys actually become pretty decent sometimes when they reach their 20s (sometimes, not always). But it's ok, I think most of my friends have apparently taken all these guys. Including the ones they get to be sluts with. And I wouldn't want to steal them from my friends.

But then I came to accept it. And now I revel in it. For I am highly productive and if I were to be having sex, I wouldn't have the time to write all these blogs about how I am not having sex. I have reached a mindless calm. I don't need sex to function. I have stopped thinking about it altogether, really. I feel at this point, even if it were offered, I might actually turn it down.

Also my roommates wouldn't like me having wild sex all over the apartment, as I inevitably would if the opportunity so arose, after having pretended to be above and beyond it and all that other crap first of course.

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