Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Scary OCD Runner People

So a few days ago I wrote about liking salad right? And the other day I wrote a Facebook status expressing my mysterious desire to go running...even though I had already been running that day!

Friend, I know the warning signs of a scary OCD runner person when I see them.

Let me explain to you, dear reader, my experiences with the people who I have known that do an excessive amount of running. There have not been a lot of them. Running isn't really "hip" or "cool" when you are in high school or college. The hip, cool thing to do is drown yourself in flavored vodka until your liver exasperatedly throws its metaphorical hands in the air and says "fuck it!" and then you black out. Doing that and running never really coincide, unless you drunkenly dare someone at a party to race down the block in the nude.

But the people I do know that run a lot scare me, frankly. They get up super early! They get sweaty multiple times a day. They give up their precious 2 hours of break at a girl scout camp to go running. I always wanted to do nothing but sit my ass on the couch when I was working with 24 nine years old at a time for 22 straight hours, not go running, especially at an elevation of 8,000 feet. I always stared in wonder as they could pass over plates of cake or cookies (girl scout cookies on some occasions, no less!) in favor of a few pieces of fruit or sometimes even nothing at all instead. Anyone who can resist that clearly must be some sort of alien creature. Or at least have severe brain injury.

I remember once during my PE class in 9th grade I was walking uncomfortably close behind two girls who were talking on one of our "aerobic walks." (It was an aerobics class taught by a very Boulder-y kind of guy, and to be fair, I got some of my best workouts in that class, so no making fun of our frilly walking workouts). I could have very well been a part of the conversation, but being the awkward 14 year old that I was, I did not participate, thus amping up my awkwardness stat points (I was on a roll at that age). Anyways, after a long, strange, and enlightening discussion about incest, they talked about running. One girl told the other that running is technically considered a disease.

This always stuck with me. Because it almost kind of makes sense, doesn't it? Ignoring the fact that there aren't any actual studies or articles backing up this idea, when you think about it, yea! Totally! That could be real!

But seriously, when people "go running" they aren't really running for any purpose. They are just running. Like the crazy people they are. Back in the old days, people always ran for a purpose. They ran to hunt down that tasty rabbit. They ran...away from the hungry lion. They ran to catch up with their tribe that woke up early and left in the hopes of leaving the annoying one behind. And so on. Seriously guys, I'm taking 2 western civ classes right now, I should know.
But now, we run because we need to stay physically active in our otherwise sedentary lives, right? Eventually though, we become healthy and have exercised plenty for the day, right? Running beyond that is just an obsession! A crazy, scary OCD obsession. All these people are out there, among us, hiding (but not really because you can usually tell since they all resemble beanpoles) falling into the trap of addiction.

And I am becoming one of them.

Super badass fit ladies are not the same as crazy OCD runner people. We still know how to be cool (without battling our liver on a daily basis, of course).

What can I do to combat this and still be badass? Clearly, I need to make sure that I remind myself everyday how nice it is to sit on my butt and watch people thousands of miles away play video games over internet streams. Just as long as they are badass video games. Also, they say just putting on your pajamas every day will motivate yourself to be lazy, even if it's only for just another 6 hours. To amp up my badass level during these activities, I should probably wear lots of black or leather pajamas, swear a lot, and maybe listen to some intense rap or electronic music.

Don't worry though, guys. I know I am not yet a scary OCD runner person, because even though I feel the desire to run more than once a day, as soon as I DO start running, immediately my body turns into lead and my head starts screaming "WHY IS THIS A GOOD IDEA AGAIN? MAYBE I SHOULD STOP! OH GOD THE PAIN IN MY LUNGS IS LIKE TORTURE. I AM NEVER GOING RUNNING AGAIN!"
....So it's probably still a long way to go for me.


  1. This is so fantastic!! I want those widgets! hahaha

  2. I'm so proud of you! I just read through this whole blog and I have to say I love your writing style. You've inspired me to go for a run today. :) Thanks for keeping my motivation up!!