Saturday, March 31, 2012

Meri's Spoken Word: Poems I Really Wrote One Time, Really

I've always intended on expanding my blog into vlog territory in the hopes of attracting more attention to myself. Also, my poetry clearly needs to be shared with the world. So here you go. Me doing video things (badly) and also rapping. Fun times!

Saturday, March 24, 2012

And You Wonder Why I Relate to Tina Fey

I have a confession. I have not been sticking to my "diet." ...Pretty all.

I've been doing really great at the exercise thing. I have exercised 5-6 days every week for the past 2 and 1/2 months, save the one week I fell sick/had midterms. I have got the exercise thing down! But the food thing...not so much.

Take, for example, this cake. My father had this cake delivered for my birthday. It was very nice of him. They even managed to spell my name right. They did not, however, get my age right, but that is ok. I was tempted to take this cake to a bar and use it to convince them to give me a beer. I bet it would have worked. Who doesn't believe the writing beneath a cake? It's foolproof.
The cake arrived last friday. I let it sit the whole weekend because it was so pretty looking and I felt bad about eating it. But on Monday, when the other cake ran out, I started to dig in.

By Friday afternoon, this was all that was left. I could have eaten it even faster, but I wanted to make it last.

Don't get yourself confused, I did not share this with anyone, including my roommates. I half-heartedly offered for them to have some once maybe one time, kind of...and then ignored their presence around my cake for the rest of the week. It's my birthday cake, right? I eventually gave up trying to serve myself slices. The shape didn't really allow for easy cutting and I just felt more comfortable huddling over the box in the corner of our tiny kitchen, eating straight from it until I started to feel sick. I couldn't help it. There was a layer of cream in the middle that was just so good.

And this is what is wrong with me. This is why it is so hard for me to "diet." Let me elaborate with all the dysfunctional ways I act around food:

-I have a weird compulsion to eat until I feel sick. The reason I used to look forward to mac and cheese night so much was because I would sit down and eat the whole box and get a horrible stomach ache afterwards that was weirdly satisfying.

-I will eat anything offered to me (unless it is icky and gross of course.) I have no shame in being impolite and accepting food. The easiest way to gain my affections is to offer me food. Especially good food. Like donuts. Cream filled donuts. Mmm...

-I absolutely abhor sharing my food. Well actually, I hate to share a lot of things. Remember when I said I was a really selfish person? I wasn't kidding. Anyone in my family could tell you that I don't like people touching my stuff. But especially my food. The only reason I let people eat my food is because a.) they gave birth to me or b.) it would make me look bad to say no. I am amazed when other people are so generous with their food. It baffles me.

-I will eat even when I feel completely full. For example, one time I went to a movie and bought an extra large popcorn, thinking I would share it with my friends. They didn't want any, so I ate the entire thing. The tub was the size of my entire torso, but I devoured it. Afterwards, I felt horribly sick. My friends were then hungry and decided we should all go out for Indian food. And I still ordered and ate some Indian food. Because I wanted to.

-I can come up with literally any excuse to allow myself to eat something crappy for me. "Ugh, I'm on my period,"or "Oh, I am feeling kind of sad today," or "I am having a bad hair day,"or "My socks aren't matching," or "This looks yummy," or "Well, since it exists..."

...Wow, the more I write about this the more it sounds like I have an eating disorder. But that is just silly. It isn't like I am fat, right? (Yes. That IS right. Got it?!?) Just neurotic. And even if I did, it probably would come up pretty low in importance on the list of mental and emotional disorders I no doubt could be diagnosed with.

I don't know how you could explain my behavior. I bet Freud would tell you I have some repressed trauma from my childhood. I did grow up with two very hungry brothers. If I didn't eat it as a kid, I knew they would, so I would always jump on the opportunity to eat something. I used to hoard my chocolate in little hidden spots around my room so they wouldn't get at it. Some of it is still there, rotting away in the stale corners of my desk and sock drawers. But lots of people have siblings. Do those people execute the same neurotic behavior as me? ...well...given the state of America, maybe....

But the point isn't why do I act this way. ...Ok, well, maybe it is. Maybe figuring that out would solve all my problems. But I don't think so. I would like to say that it is just a matter of starting to eat healthy foods. But I do eat healthy foods. I get 5 fruits and vegetables every day. I have 4-5 servings of protein and I usually drink at least 6 glasses of straight water, not counting the water I get from other food sources. But I just also have lots of other things. It doesn't help that my roommate has started a weekly movie night in which half a dozen people come over every weekend bearing bounteous gifts of terrible junk food for us to feast upon. And by that I mean mostly me. Because I will sit by the table like a guard dog and eat endlessly, like a machine. Did I mention I am a boss at eating?

So what am I to do? I will never become a super badass fitness lady eating lasagna every day (hey, someone had to finish that thing off!) I need to buckle down and cut out the crap. From here on out, I will commit myself to eating better by eating less sweets and carb-loaded meals. I must do this. It is absolutely necessary. Unless I am on my period. Or if I am sad. Or if my socks don't match. Or if it is there, on the counter, in front of me...

Oh dear. This is so hard.


In other news, my boyfriend application is still up! It earned me over 200 views last week, and compared to the usual 40 that I get, this is quite significant. However I am still rather appalled that only 5 of these viewers actually submitted a completed application. I mean, why wouldn't you want to be with me? (Please ignore entire above post)
So, here's the official deal. I am going to give it 3 more weeks. So far I have gotten some pretty entertaining answers. If I can get another few handfuls more, I might actually have enough material to work with. So, you heard me! 3 weeks! Fill it out!

Friday, March 16, 2012

Now Accepting Boyfriend Applications

You probably thought I was kidding last week when I said I was going to start accepting applications for the position of boyfriend in my life....But you were wrong.

Yes friends, I have indeed found it rather difficult to go about building a boyfriend for myself. (Although my mother DID buy me legos for the birthday...yes, I am now 20 and still getting legos as gifts. Welcome to adulthood!) Anyways, I have created a completely fool proof application for anyone interested in dating me (and I know there are SO many of you!) to fill out and submit.

This way, guys can come to me and be very straightforward when showing interest in my amazingness and won't have to ask stupid questions while pretending to be all casual about it. "Hey you like to have wild and crazy sex?" Yea, real smooth boys, real smooth. Also, with all of my ingenious and carefully concocted personality questions, it will streamline my ability to decide who and who isn't worthy. Like when you meet someone and they seem pretty cool but then two weeks later they say something like "Eh, I don't really care for Tina Fey or any of her work," or "Oh, yea, I never use a condom," or worse, "I don't think Rick Santorum would be a terrible thing for this country." Granted, none of these questions are on my application (although maybe they should be...hmmm...) but you get the idea. I can avoid countless awkward moments of "Oh wait, you are a douche. Never mind then."

Don't get me wrong here. I'm not desperate. Deprived maybe, but not desperate. Mostly, I'm just bored. I really want to see what I can get back from this.

In fact, I encourage all of my readers to fill out the application and send it back, just so I can test how well it is working. Boy or girl, all are welcome! I promise you'll have a good time doing it. If you are cool anyways. Fill it out anonymously if you so desire. If I get really creative responses, I may devote a whole post to the creativity of other people (that'd be a first!) Wouldn't you feel special if you said something funny and it was on a blog? I know I do every day!

So, waste no time:
Click Here For the Application!

1. Click the link
2. Go to file-->download in the google docs viewer
3. Fill out the pdf with the program of your choice (I for one, use preview on my Mac. To write things on a PDF in preview go to Tools-->Annotate-->Add text and then you can start typing wherever you click. And then you save it...somehow. I don't know! PDFs are confusing, ok!?!? I think exporting it saved it? I just figured out how to type on them today, ok?? Go and google this part, I'm sure the internet can help you better than I can....or I guess you could print it, fill it out, and scan it back in the old fashioned way, you weirdo)
4. Send back the saved version to Yes, I made a new email just for this. I am so legit, like a contest or a professional or something.
5. Wait for us to get back to you. If you don't hear from us within 3-50 business days, you have been deemed not cool enough for me. The end.

Here it is, one more time:


Thursday, March 8, 2012

Blueprints for My Ideal Boyfriend v1.0 (now including legos!)

Usually being single is a kind of bittersweet thing for me. Sometimes it sucks, but I love having total freedom. And although every now and then I can get lonely, all I have to do is remind myself how annoying dealing with other people can be, and I'm fine. But lately the love prospects in my life are SO dull and I am beginning to go a little crazy. I don't mind being single, as long as there is some potential dude to play around with in my thoughts, even though I'd really never date that loser. But in my particular situation, my options are very limited*

So lately I have been so frustrated that sometimes I just feel the uncontrollable urge to build a man out of scratch, because I feel as if I simply have no other options. Also, that way I wouldn't have to leave the house.

So here are my blueprints/plans/required materials/whatever for my Ideal Boyfriend Version 1.0:

Starting at the base, I would build a sturdy armature for my man. What materials would I use for this? Why, legos of course! Not only is it a clever metaphor for being colorful and youthful on the inside, but legos are fun to play with and would make a good base for a man with the kind of rough, striking features that I appreciate. This would include a nice, square jawline, toned abs, and a really long, hard, thick, solid PAIR OF ARMS. I really like hard, thick ARMS. Yep.
Also, just a note: while constructing the hands I would make the fingers nice and slender so he can serenade me with melodic bluegrass tunes on the mandolin. Hell yea. Also, he would be nice and tall, too. But not too tall. I am already pretty short to begin with.

Anyone that has tried to build things out of legos knows that they can often be rather delicate (usually when you need them to be sturdy. Of course whenever you try to take them apart they won't budge). So I would superglue them together. Thus my man would have SUPER strength. And be able to give me piggy back rides.

Newly Stole--I mean, Purchased Liver from the Hospital
I need a man who can hold his alcohol well. It's a pretty simple concept really. I am not the kind of person who takes on the role of mom when someone drinks too much. I hand them a bucket, maybe pat them on the back, and head back to the party. It's not my fault you are an idiot. So just install a brand spanking new liver and bam! All should be well.

(Actually, I don't know if a new liver will affect how you process alcohol in your body. Maybe it would be better to go used? Maybe get an Irish liver? In any case I don't want one that is "shot" to hell.)

One of those voice things like in a Garmin
I don't know what they are. I am sure they are little magical devices you stick in the machine, right? Except mine would be way more realistic and human sounding, and he wouldn't just give me directions. (Although that could be a fun and kinky thing to try in bed! "Turn left ahead. Go straight. Keep going straight. Arriving at your destination, aw yea!!") Basically I just want to be able to manipulate his accent whenever I feel like it. One day he can be Austrailian, the next he can be British, and so on. ...Actually, I would be ok if he was just British all the time. I think I could live with that.

A Thick Skin
It's very important to me to be with someone who has a thick skin. This means no crying... unless someone has died or you have been punched in the balls. That is acceptable. Maybe I am being a little bit sexist, or maybe I've just actually had boyfriends cry in front of me and and found it completely insufferable and really stupid. Either way, I make it a requirement. This is a tough one for me, but I think I'd have to go with that really cool rubbery material they use to make collapsable kitchen utensils with, because I love playing with those and it is nice to touch. And also bite. I don't even mean that in a sexual way! I have a total oral fixation, and I love to chew on rubbery things especially. Seriously, I get so jealous of dogs. Those lucky bastards are given rubber things specifically just to chew! It's not even fair.

Super Computer Brain
Another very important quality to me is when a guy is really smart and good at stuff I suck at, such as math or anything that requires logic and basic reasoning. Also, one day I am actually going to have to do taxes and I want to avoid that as much as I can without having to pay anyone. So a super computer brain would be awesome, thanks. And if it had wifi access anywhere he went and a database of recipes of delicious things to cook for me, I wouldn't mind that either.

Now we are down to the look. I already talked about tallness and long fingers, but there are other important factors as well. Yes, no it is dress up time! Hooray!

I am in firm belief that the kind of shoes a guy wears says a lot about him. If he wears old white tennis shoes, it leaves me with the impression that he is still mentally and emotionally stuck in 7th grade. If he wears bright colored nikes like a rap star, it leaves me with the impression that he is a douche. I'm ok with skate shoes or converse. I think that is a nice neutral zone of kind of caring about how you look, but not too much. However, for my purposes, I would outfit my Ideal Boyfriend with hiking shoes so we could go on hikes together and he could protect me so I wouldn't have to worry about getting kidnapped by a mountain lion or being eaten by a rapist. Or something like that.

I don't have too many restrictions on the kinds of pants a guy wears, as long as they aren't stupid or from hot topic or any store of equivalent stupidity.

Well fitted plaid. Nothing more needs to be said. Am I right, ladies?

Messenger Bag
I have nothing against a murse. It is less attractive for a guy to forget really important items like his phone or wallet. A nice canvas bag or whatever can be very functional and honestly I wouldn't mind if he carried around a sketchbook at all times and drew amazing things. Because yea, artistic skill and ambition to better yourself as an artist is hot. So my Ideal Boyfriend would need this bag--at least most of the time anyway-- for this purpose. I would also require that this bag have magical Mary Poppin's properties and thus be an endless source of delicious food at any given time. Life complete.
...Ok, maybe I am just starting to make things up that I really want but have nothing to do with a boyfriend. Oh well, it'd still be sweet.

He should just have it, basically. And wash it. I am not too picky on hair either. Basically, I'm not too picky about physical appearance at all, if you couldn't already tell. But I do tend to like darker hair and I am a huge sucker for a ginger. So yea, let's give him ginger hair, so we can make ginger babies one day. They'll be adorable and soulless.

I really can't describe to you all the things I could ever want in this Ideal Boyfriend by way of objects, because that would take metaphors well beyond the capacity of any sappy over-done literature, and this isn't english class. I have my own personal list and can machinate these things as much as possible on my own, with a special little device I will invent called the "personality device." This will be a little black box I can stick in the back of his lego structure and it will contain and force him to have all the wonderful traits that I am too lazy to come up with a creative way to describe. See the following list for reference:
-Funny as hell
-Tendency to play pretty-looking RPG video games. Good ones, at least.
-Ability to try to get to know someone without the aid of Facebook or texting
-Gets along with at least one of his parents, if not both
-Adventurous (aka will call the pizza guy for me and likes to leave the house every now and then, even if it is just to do stupid, pointless things)
-Fluent in sarcasm
-A good writer
-Fearless of spiders
-Not a manwhore
-Not a whiny bitch
-Not an asshole
-Not socially awkward
-Can read my mind

So that is it. Everything I need to build my Ideal Boyfriend, Version 1.0. All I have to do is go out and buy the materials! And invent scientific shit! Shouldn't be too hard, right?


...I'm going to be single forever, aren't I?

Coming up next: Now accepting boyfriend applications! Anyone, anyone?

*I really will get to describing the men around me to you eventually, I promise, I have it written out and everything, but I have ambitious dreams of beautiful illustrations to go along with it that I haven't gotten around to yet. One day...

Saturday, March 3, 2012

Narcissism, Mirror Pep Talks, and Weird Hairy Birthmark-moles

It's been awhile since I last wrote to you, my dearest readers. I am sorry. I know that whole one week and three days you were sitting on the edge of your seats, just dying to know when I would post again, when you could once more feel warm and fuzzy inside, filled with the joy of laughter that I like to think that I give you. I got a little blind-sided by midterms. Being the genius that I am, I failed to realize that they were a whole week earlier than I thought and it caused me to go in to such a state of anxiety that I finally contracted the cold that I had been so close to almost-not-but-almost getting for the past month. Sucks.

Ok, but we are back now and I want to talk to you all about having confidence in your body, which I know I have talked about quite a bit as of late. Yes, I have boasted about how I have an awesome lumpy butt made of all-natural organic materials (it is so eco-friendly!) and that my pear shaped body is just about the best thing ever because it is the most fun to draw. Just look at Chris Sanders' designs. He obviously gets it.* Am I vain and narcissistic? Perhaps. But I think I prefer this to the alternative, which is to hate your body for everything that it is and want to cry every time you catch a glimpse of yourself in jeans, which is basically every day.

Let me tell you a little story, that I am sure-- at least if you are a female (sorry men, you can just sit this one out and watch I guess)-- you can relate to in some way or another. There once was a girl. This girl hit puberty at the ripe of age of 14. But unlike all of the other girls who had two little lumps slowly growing out of her chest in the normal forward direction, over night one day she expanded outward on her right and left and suddenly none of the pants from Limited Too that she had come to know and love would ever fit her again. And all of the other girls were still running around like little popsicle sticks, except now they had boobs too. F**king great. And so she spent the next 4 years of her life confused as to why she couldn't dress in the same clothes she had worn for 14 years and what the hell does the term "cellulite" mean anyways? Oh yea, and she thought she was fat. Because someone asshole dick-wad who thought The Beastie Boys were the epitome of good music in science class told her so. Then one day she looked around and suddenly everyone else had hips and love handles too and she discovered what leggings were and everything was ok again. The end.

...Ok, so it was a teensy bit more complicated than that, but that is basically the cliff notes version of growing up for me. At least in body-image terms. The overall idea is that yes, I used to think I was fat, but no longer! I've never actually technically been "overweight," on the BMI scale (besides a very brief period after Canada, where I gained my harrowing addiction to Kraft Dinner... I've been clean for 1 month now. Please, hold your applause), but I have always been at the upper end of the "normal weight" range. By upper end, I mean usually .1 away from the "at risk" category. Combine this with growing up in what is one of the healthiest and most athletic cities on probably the entire planet, and it can get pretty easy to feel uncomfortable about your body.

So what is my secret to feeling good about myself and how I look? There are 3 different tools I have put to great use at various times that have always improved my body image:

1. A boyfriend.
I have the firm belief that we women should never, ever fall back on this. While having someone be attracted to you is a pretty good affirmation you have at least something working for you, it should by no means be how you base your entire self-image. Guys can be insincere because they are assholes, or because they are horny, or most of all because they are horny assholes. And some guys just like vaginas, no matter what is attached to them. Also, if you are like me, you don't actually have a boyfriend almost 99% of the time, so yea, not a very reliable source of feeling-goodness. Use this method as a cherry on top of your ice cream, but not as the ice cream itself, so to speak. (Besides, maraschino cherries are kind of gross anyways. Am I right or am I right?)

2. Diet and exercise
This is the one that most people will tell you leads to a good body-image. I don't know if I have ever felt like diet and exercise has VASTLY improved how I look, because let's be honest, I still wear the same clothes from when I was 14 on a regular basis. My size has gone through almost no variation in the past 6 years. But it does, at the very least, make me feel like I am not contributing towards the problem. And plus, when I go run 3 miles I feel almost no guilt for eating half a pint of ice cream later that evening and trying to look innocent about it as I throw the carton away. Hmm...I wonder if this is why diet and exercise aren't working so well for me?
...Nah. That is preposterous.

3. Mirror pep talks
This my friends, is my big secret that I have chosen to divulge to you today. Also known as being totally vain and narcissistic, mirror pep talks are by far the best way to make you feel good about the way you look.

What exactly is a mirror pep talk?

It is when you take a few minutes in your room or bathroom and you just stare at yourself in the mirror, making sure of course that your roommate or anyone else won't be walking in any time soon to seeing you flail about in front of a mirror in an undoubtedly embarrassing manner. Because it doesn't matter where or when or what you are wearing or what you do. It is just about examining yourself to the fullest extent. The point is to be able to see yourself at any moment and still be able to perceive yourself as attractive. And if you don't look attractive, well then you can goddamn fix yourself until you do.

I often steal a few minutes on my way in and out of the bathroom to take a nice, good look at myself. I could be all glamourous and ready to head off to my fabulous art school life, or I could have just woken up, haven't showered in over a day, and smell rancid. Sometimes, these might be the same thing. I could have just finished up my workout--in fact this is one of my favorite time to have mirror pep talks, as it is the most challenging, but also the most rewarding. If I can make myself look good at my worst, then I should be able to look superb at any other time.

I know this sounds a little crazy. Because if you already hate how you look, the last thing you probably want to do is look at yourself. But I kid you not, it works. It just takes practice. Find the best angles. Pretend to have conversations with people to see how your face changes when you talk. It's all preparation for the real thing, so you can avoid giving yourself a double chin or slouching too much when you are actually around other people, if you are attentive enough to remember that kind of crap anyway. The most important thing when doing a mirror pep talk is to have an optimistic attitude about it. Those wrinkles around your completely make-up free eyes when you smile? They look like the wings a majestic pegasus about to take flight. Your hair is going in 500 directions? Shake it out a bit and you look like you belong on a magazine cover or maybe a super sexy vampire...those are still in, right? That really awful moment where you stand at a certain angle and look your absolute widest? Turn your hips a bit and suddenly you've got a vintage model vibe going for you, because I am sure every guy would agree that old stuff is sexy too. I have managed to find myself looking good even in the worst of moments. Just the other night I was curled up in a blanket on the couch feeling sick as a dog, but I turned photo booth on my computer and bam! Fashion model portraits pooped out all over my screen like I was modeling for the cover of Vogue...if models on the cover of Vogue wore cotton tank tops and iPod earbuds under a comforter from Target. Nevertheless, even though I couldn't breath through my nose, I'd never been sexier.

Yes, you can even take photos of yourself if you are so inclined. They can serve as a friendly reminder to yourself in those moments where you just can't find your hotness that yes, at some point you looked awesome. And you will again. Just not right now. But that's ok, we all have unglamorous moments, and that is acceptable. But for the love of cheese balls, DO NOT post your photos to Facebook. The only thing that keeps me from appearing to be totally and completely vain is that I just talk about it, and then draw derpy and unflattering pictures of myself to be ironic. I don't go shoving my narcissism in people's faces. No one appreciates that. If they do, they are horny men who are too lazy to go look for porn, so instead they turn to your lame pictures in the Facebook album you have titled "me!" Do you really want your self-confidence photos to be put to that use? If you do, you are doing this wrong.

Just have fun with it. Turn on music while everyone is out. Try on different clothes to see how you look in them. Do it naked even! I think that is the most important, because that is how you come to be truly comfortable with everything about yourself. Even that weird hairy birthmark/mole combination no one knows about. Love the weird hairy birthmark-mole. If you can't find the beauty in the weird hairy birthmark-mole, no one else will either.

The more you look at it, the more love comes out of it, huh?

And that's it, folks. That is how I have come to love how I look, even in the absence of a man physically present in my life.** Hell, this is better than that. It's a process, and you have to keep it up, but it is worth it. Just be warned though, if you want to keep up the good feelings afterwards, don't go out to one of the most popular shopping malls in Orange County or watch any of Jenna Marbles' videos of youtube. Because then you will end up curled up in the your bed and crying into your pillow about how you will never be hot or funny enough to afford nice things. Actually, just don't go on the internet or out in public at all, ok? Just keep staring at yourself in the mirror, day in and day out, until your eye sockets burn away and your bones crumble into dust. It's fool proof.

*As his women who have boobs that exist outside of all gravitational fields and have nipples so large they actually look like secondary boobs imply. If you don't know what I am talking about, 1.) You are not an animation nerd, and thats ok, it probably means you have a healthy and active sex life, so good for you, and 2.) Go look his drawings up, because some of the women's proportions are pretty ridiculous. But at least they have thigh meat, hubba hubba! I'll even help you get started
** I appreciate the creepers I have friendly chats with on Facebook, but let's be honest, most of them haven't actually seen me in several years, so their flattery doesn't really count in my book.


Also, I updated my art blog recently. Have you taken a look?