Sunday, August 25, 2013

How to Make Functional Friendships: The Gameplan

Now that I am all moved back into my hometown where I grew from the happy, ecstatic child I once was into the morose, cynical, and depressed adult that I am now, one of my goals is to work on improving how I interact with people.

I've been keeping a journal (a real one, where everything is genuine and stupid and written on paper so I don't *accidentally* share it with everyone) and trying to work through my social anxieties and issues with dealing with other people being close to me in my life. Even though I've [stupidly] taken on two jobs, I do hope to spend more time with other people and create friendships that I am not constantly stressed about losing.

So I brainstormed a bit and here are some parts of my How-To-Make-Friends Gameplan that I thought you might benefit from being forced to read about. Enjoy!

1. Be more selfless.

Make people cookies, give them rides, invite them to expensive concerts on my dime, or offer to trade clothes or shoes to garner closeness. Or underwear. This also garners closeness.

Or should I say garters closeness.

Eh, eh? Anyone?
It will bring us together, really!

If I am feeling really selfless, I will offer them my first born. If I happen to get pregnant way earlier than I ever desired, this could be really useful. Also I might accidentally be friends with Satan.


2. Communicate what I want and need from them. 

I am just going to be up front about who I am and that I want them to be my friend. There is nothing better than blatant, uncomfortable honesty. In order to avoid the awkward conversations though, I think I will just wear signs around my neck, kind of like those allergy bracelets. I went on a date with a guy who had an medical/allergy bracelet recently. I didn't notice it until he showed it to me. Good thing I didn't order the brownie with the nuts. So mine will have to be much more colorful and large so no one misses it and is accidentally not my friend or something.

 Here are some examples that I think will work really well for me.

Ironically I got this idea from the kids novel "Stargirl" 

3. Throw wild parties at my house .

I learned this trick in high school. People will definitely like me better/want to be closer to me if I am willing to put my ass on the line to allow them to get wasted as fuck and throw up in my parent's bathroom sink. I will invite everyone I know and bank on at least a couple of them showing up and letting me be a part of their special "friend club" or whatever bullshit people manipulate their friendships into these days.

4. Call people at 3 AM with all my problems.

This will bring us closer. Especially if I am sobbing wildly. Then they won't be able to hang up on me right away. At least not without feeling like a really awful person. So if they do hang up on me anyway I can use that against them later. Like the really great friend that I am.

5. Get pedicures together.

We shall bond over shiny nail polish colors, awkwardly not understand the asian ladies who are talking shit about us and our bunyons right in front of us, and I will pretend to love hearing about their boyfriends and boring relationship problems

(...I just want to get my feet rubbed by Asian ladies.

I don't mean that in a perverted way.

I really don't.)

It just feels really good ok?!

6. Find things to do in common. Like exercise!

So I can beat them and win and feel good about myself.

If, in turn, they are more in shape than I am and beat me, then I will refuse to talk to them and they will no longer be my friend.

7. Get drunk. Play Mario Kart--the ultimate fun time friend activity. Then, to find out who my real friends are, play Mario Party. 

I am pretty sure drunk Mario Kart at 4 AM is better than sex.

It's all fun and games until someone takes out Mario Party though.

That is when shit. gets. real. 

8. DO NOT sleep with them.

Repeat after me:

Sex does not cure loneliness nor will it make people want to hang out with me more.
Sex does not cure loneliness nor will it make people want to hang out with me more.
Sex does not cure loneliness nor will it make people want to hang out with me more.
Sex does not cure loneliness nor will it make people want to hang out with me more.
Sex does not cure loneliness nor will it make people want to hang out with me more.

(Well, most people.)

This one is a big problem with me. Apparently.

Actually, every time I think about legitimately dating someone, I want to vomit from the stress. I also can't imagine anyone that I would actually want to date. Everyone. Totally. Sucks.

I just really miss spooning.

That is the Sexless and Cynical way, I guess!

I may or may not be a closet exhibitionist. If that is even possible. 

Although to be honest if a male friend asked me to split a churro I'd be pretty suspicious about his ulterior motives.


Saturday, August 17, 2013

What is a Perfect Man Really Though? (A Retraction)


I'd like to post a retraction.

Well, I don't know if a retraction is quite the right word.

Whatever. I don't care.

A few weeks ago I wrote about How To Get Over a Boy in 12 Easy Steps. At the very beginning of this entry I wrote that the first step was to "be realistic," or in other words to seriously nitpick all of the potential deal breakers in said man and thus feel better that he was a jerk and you dodged a bullet. One of my examples was freaky shaped moles and how they can mar even the most perfect of men. I illustrated this example to make my point. I still stand by this. You shouldn't let your standards slide ladies! Be afraid of the funky moles! Very afraid!


Previous Depiction. We at Sexless and Cynical are very embarrassed for our mistake.

The point being that SOME PEOPLE may have confused my illustration and/or example of a perfect man with a real life person who apparently (although I have no concrete evidence/memory of this) has a mole on his arm. It does not help that when I decided to draw what I thought was a totally stock and generically good looking man, my subconscious stepped in and fucked that shit up. It just decided that what I have been attracted to recently was, in fact, "generic" when really I guess it was kind of specific to one person. Sigh. Way to go brain for making me look like a hopeless idiot. Yet again. Another gold star for you.

Then I went and labeled this coincidentally reality-resembling character as a "perfect man," which I assure you, was just because of the included hot guy jeans. Hot guy jeans really do make a man perfect. Every woman knows this. Duh.

Well dear readers, I fear I may have mislead you. What I drew was not my perfect man, by any means. It did not even scratch the surface of the depths of what I require in order for a man to be "perfect." I was lazy. I did not deliver my best. I apologize for not letting my artwork live up to the very lofty standards that I like to treat this blog with.


Really, though. I should have tried harder. It was a lazy drawing. I drew it in about 5 minutes. Which is SO MUCH less time than the other drawings I do. For sure... So now I will grace you with my retraction/correction/redrawing of what is ACTUALLY my depiction of a perfect man, based on my much older post: Blueprints for my Ideal Boyfriend. But now with added updates!! Yay!

*Photoshop may or may not have been involved with this depiction.*

Ideal Man 2.0

Upgrades from Ideal Boyfriend 1.0:

The face of Ryan Reynolds, because he is so dreamy.

The ears of Jimmy Stewart, because they are so adorable.

REAL washboard abs. None of that fake stuff! We are all natural here. This one is all American, too.  Added bonus. (Not actually being racist here, though. For real).

Balls of steel. 'Nuff said.

Toaster Pectorals. In case I get hungry and need a snack. One can be a Hello Kitty Toaster because he knows how to be playful.

Chew toy skin now kong shaped and with peanut butter inside, for my post-workout protein boost! Also, peanut butter toast anyone? Yea. Best. Man. Ever.

Laser eyes! So badass! They will stare deep into my retinas and know my true soul, which also happens to now be love.

A heart like a pole. NO, THIS IS NOT A PENIS REFERENCE. I mean that he is at the core sturdy and reliable, not going to take my shit but still always respect me and my capabilities, always willing to be my partner and work with me to make both of us better and more beautiful people. Also the pole knows how to be patient and shut it's mouth and let me be angry or sad or whatever for a little while and then be there to help me pick myself back up off the ground.  It's sappy but I base my idea of "love" on how I feel about pole dancing and it is THE PERFECT METAPHOR. I am never settling until I can meet a man that makes me feel the same way I feel about pole. The end. 

Confused about the rest? Read the old entry to find out more! 

Now add in the mole. Doesn't that just ruin everything?? 

Good girl. You have learned well. 

We will be back to our regularly scheduled (ha) blog posts soon. I've got one all written up but it's been taking forever to do the drawings because MEN ARE BUTTS and I HATE THEM and they make me sad and it distracts me from being functional. 

Screw this. I am just getting a dog.


I just wanted to take a minute to say this because I just realized it, but "perfect man" is actually an imaginary friend I have that I like to talk to whenever real life people disappoint me or are butts or do generally annoying male things. If I am feeling sad or letting my thoughts wander to hopeless-never-gonna-happen daydreams, I resort to perfect man to comfort me. He is really good at it, because he is perfect. And yes, I actually call him perfect man and imagine him to be pretty much like the above depiction. 

I know. My life is sad. In a really fun way. I just felt the urge to share that with you. 

Friday, August 9, 2013

Bee and PuppyCat: The Zooey Deschanel of Cartoons

So this morning I woke up all sweaty like I do when I sleep in all my clothes and also have a really bad sunburn covering the front half of my body in the summer time. I was all hot and moist and guh-ross. But then, because it was still early-ish and I am a wimpy California resident, as soon as I got out of bed I was really cold! Oh no! So I put on my gangster slippers and drank a chai to warm myself up, which I forgot has the caffeines in it. Then I went around running morning time errands and went to aerial hoop and aerial tissu class and was all like "BAM I'M ACTUALLY GONNA TRY TODAY." Which was great because that hasn't happened in awhile and plus the classes were small with only 2 or 3 people and I had no choice. Afterwards I realized it was my last class with my amazing instructor Alysia and I was sad but! By some miracle I left and went driving around doing afternoon time errands and was not ALL sad. This was amazing, because usually even tiny sad things in my life turn into big sad things somehow and I end up having emotional breakdowns all over the place like a pregnant whore cat has little kitten babies all over your kitchen floor.

(Actually, I have been having a lot less emotional breakdowns lately which is good I am pretty sure, but also a little worrying in a weird way, if you know what I mean. Which you probably don't. But I do so shhhh.)

The moral of the story is that the caffeines sometimes give me super-not-all-sad-powers, which lets me think about things other than the spiraling black vortex of doom that I am fairly convinced is my future. And today my replacement thoughts were about cartoons! Because I'm a mature person. I was so energized by putting off important things like packing my life away and making confirmation calls for storage units and movers and figuring out financial aid for my new replacement temporary college that I decided to write about it. Hooray!

If you are an artsy fartsy kid like I am or if you are just an [im]mature little child like I also am, you may have heard of Cartoon Hangover's latest web series/movie? Bee and PuppyCat. Here is the first episode, if you care to see it.

I don't know about you, but this show is all over my internet. And every artsy fartsy animation kid I know is talking about it. It is only on its second episode and apparently already pretty popular. The show is created by Natasha Allegri of Adventure Time and Fiona and Cake gender-bend fame (click her name to go to her magical tumblr page!) If you don't know what any of those things I said just were, I don't know why we are friends.

Actually I do. It is because I am lonely and non-judgemental and need all the friends I can get.

So if you don't know those things, that is ok. Just know you are probably going to be confused a little bit.

But Meri, how do these things about cartoons and the internet relate to your blog and its mission to complain write about your disparate sex life, fitness adventures, and depression fun times??

I've said it before. And I'll say it again: This is my blog and I can do whatever the hell I want with it. So HA.

Actually though, you may not know this, but I go to art school and spend a lot of time devoted towards being a part of the art world, animation in particular. I don't talk about art much because me and the art world have a lot of relationship problems and it is kind of like the retarded cousin we all just pretend we don't have. I know what you are thinking. This explains all the amazing pictures you have seen on my blog. No, I don't get those from a stock website. I make those bad boys all by myself.

Look, there is one now.

I made sure this was in line with 90% of what I write about. Isn't it amazing?  You can definitely tell I've spent thousands of hours figure drawing. And yea, I used a Cintiq for this masterpiece. 

It is actually something of a dream of mine to create a Youtube channel very similar to that of Cartoon Hangover where there are a bunch of awesome little animated web series, except mine will be ten million times better because I will lord over all the decision making and declare what will be created and what won't because I am no good at making things myself but I like being in charge and am definitely going to be really awesome at it. I will have all these little artist minions and their baby shows slaving away to make my channel the most popular channel in the cafeteria. All the web shows will wanna sit at our table. And I will rule with an iron fist! Bwahahaha!

Also if you had to classify it, I write within the "comedy" genre (supposedly) and that is a lot of what I want to talk about with this show. So yea, there is a relation here. Really.




I'm going to get to actually talking about this animated show now.

Bee and PuppyCat only has two episodes so far, so it is pretty hard to assess it as a whole at this point and I feel as if I cannot make any truly conclusive decisions about it yet. BUT. If you watched all two of these episodes, you probably a.) see the relation to Adventure Time and b.) notice how it fits in with the "trendy" humor that seems to be rampant among cartoons these days. I would know about these things because I watched some cartoons on Netflix this week. Yep. Totally an expert.

By "trendy" humor, I mean the kind of jokes that stem from nowhere. It is all about being random. And weird. And odd. And awkward. And kind of meaningless. The story line is kind of disjointed and the reality of the world doesn't really sell itself as, well, reality. This is of course expected from a cartoon. That is what cartoons were made for! When I watched the episodes, there were some really funny bits. I particularly loved the "crotch ice" moment and basically any time Puppycat speaks with his? her? adorably bizarre voice. Also this:

In short, I was entertained by the show, however, at the same time something about it bothered me. It felt as if at times it took the surreality too far. The show was conscious that it was quote quirky unquote. I know that it was super douche-baggy of me to literally spell out quotes right there, but I needed to make the point. Bee and Puppycat seems to know what it wants to be seen as--in this case, the cartoon version of Zooey Deschanel-- and goes there just for the sake of going there. It doesn't use the random humor to be humorous, it uses it because it simply can and then expects us to laugh because it is just there and that is the kind of humor that happens to be popular at this time.

I was talking to one of my super friendly friends about it yesterday and she seemed to make a good point about it. No one acts like the main character in the show. It went so far off the deep end that I could not connect with it. Even if you took out all the crazy fantasy/sci-fi adventures involved, humans/characters/life are not remotely like that. They don't speak that way, they don't act that way... with one exception.


The show seems as if it was made by the internet for the internet. Well... It is a web show. So I guess it is. Duh. This is great if you really like the internet. But this reminded me of a quote I used to have as my desktop background and that is a part of the most inspirational poster that I've ever owned and keep over my desk at all times:

By Good Fucking Design Advice, which always provides good fucking motivation in times of need. 

I think the quote means to say that everything we see on our computers was already fabricated by someone else. It only has a limited means of expression. Just like a Lite-Brite board, what you can get out of it or create with it can only fit into certain peg holes. You are limited. The real meat is elsewhere.

Don't get me wrong. I love the internet. It is my life force. Then again, it is also my prison. It is probably the No. 1 reason why I feel disconnected to the people around me. And yes, that is "number one" spelled like "No. 1", which means it is officially legit. I could go on and on about the ways the internet has ruined my life and enslaved me (maybe in another blog?), but let me just ask you this: How often when you sit inside all day and look at mildly entertaining cat GIFs on the internet that make you chuckle for 12+ hours but then you go to bed at 3 AM and want to cry into your pillow about your life and how sad, unproductive, and miserable of a human being you are? And how often when you go out, spend time with friends and family, live life, see and experience new things, bask in the sun, and feel nature and society thriving around you do you feel alive and meaningful, even if you haven't necessarily done anything "productive," or maybe you have, you special little duckling?!? Which one really makes you energized to imagine epic possibilities and come up with new, original ideas that are like OH YEAH like the Kool Aid guy?? Yea. That's what I thought. Real life wins.

There is a lot of cool stuff on the internet, I know, but I think there is value in taking inspiration from real life and we tend to forget this. It is an important lesson to remember in an age where we can easily spend our entire day behind a screen and/or forget the real world exists outside our little dark box houses. Bee and PuppyCat has thus far failed to make me feel like it has much of a basis in real world humor (besides the crotch ice--that could totally happen to me, heh), which is why I think it bothers me.  It takes from what is already known in the internet culture. This speaks volumes in itself about society today in regards to how it functions in partnership with the internet, but I kind of want more out of it. Real life still exists. For now, anyway.

I have high hopes for it and will continue to watch Bee and PuppyCat to see what it becomes. But honestly, I hope this whole trend of random, "quirky," awkward humor I have been seeing in cartoons these days eventually moves on and just becomes a fad or a stepping stone in the progression of cartoons and comedy. Especially because sometimes I feel that because of my exposure to it, I fall victim to it as well. In times of doubt I will reach into my "random box" for a joke that isn't actually that funny, it is just random and awkward with the illusion of being funny. I feel lazy when I do that. As someone who sometimes refers to herself as a kinda sorta comedy writer, I should do better than that.

For now, I am going to go back to my good ol' humor stemmed from pain, which we all know is the best.

Classic comedy gold right there. 

Ok, that is all the non--completely-self-absorbed writing you get for now! I have to get back to complaining about my privileged white girl problems, stat! Otherwise I will melt. Into cheese.

Mmmm cheese...

If you are offended about anything I just wrote in the post above... well... WHAT DO I KNOW I AM JUST CHEESE.

Look at me. Totally random. No better than Bee and PuppyCat once more. I even used the Calarts face. For shame.