Saturday, August 17, 2013

What is a Perfect Man Really Though? (A Retraction)


I'd like to post a retraction.

Well, I don't know if a retraction is quite the right word.

Whatever. I don't care.

A few weeks ago I wrote about How To Get Over a Boy in 12 Easy Steps. At the very beginning of this entry I wrote that the first step was to "be realistic," or in other words to seriously nitpick all of the potential deal breakers in said man and thus feel better that he was a jerk and you dodged a bullet. One of my examples was freaky shaped moles and how they can mar even the most perfect of men. I illustrated this example to make my point. I still stand by this. You shouldn't let your standards slide ladies! Be afraid of the funky moles! Very afraid!


Previous Depiction. We at Sexless and Cynical are very embarrassed for our mistake.

The point being that SOME PEOPLE may have confused my illustration and/or example of a perfect man with a real life person who apparently (although I have no concrete evidence/memory of this) has a mole on his arm. It does not help that when I decided to draw what I thought was a totally stock and generically good looking man, my subconscious stepped in and fucked that shit up. It just decided that what I have been attracted to recently was, in fact, "generic" when really I guess it was kind of specific to one person. Sigh. Way to go brain for making me look like a hopeless idiot. Yet again. Another gold star for you.

Then I went and labeled this coincidentally reality-resembling character as a "perfect man," which I assure you, was just because of the included hot guy jeans. Hot guy jeans really do make a man perfect. Every woman knows this. Duh.

Well dear readers, I fear I may have mislead you. What I drew was not my perfect man, by any means. It did not even scratch the surface of the depths of what I require in order for a man to be "perfect." I was lazy. I did not deliver my best. I apologize for not letting my artwork live up to the very lofty standards that I like to treat this blog with.


Really, though. I should have tried harder. It was a lazy drawing. I drew it in about 5 minutes. Which is SO MUCH less time than the other drawings I do. For sure... So now I will grace you with my retraction/correction/redrawing of what is ACTUALLY my depiction of a perfect man, based on my much older post: Blueprints for my Ideal Boyfriend. But now with added updates!! Yay!

*Photoshop may or may not have been involved with this depiction.*

Ideal Man 2.0

Upgrades from Ideal Boyfriend 1.0:

The face of Ryan Reynolds, because he is so dreamy.

The ears of Jimmy Stewart, because they are so adorable.

REAL washboard abs. None of that fake stuff! We are all natural here. This one is all American, too.  Added bonus. (Not actually being racist here, though. For real).

Balls of steel. 'Nuff said.

Toaster Pectorals. In case I get hungry and need a snack. One can be a Hello Kitty Toaster because he knows how to be playful.

Chew toy skin now kong shaped and with peanut butter inside, for my post-workout protein boost! Also, peanut butter toast anyone? Yea. Best. Man. Ever.

Laser eyes! So badass! They will stare deep into my retinas and know my true soul, which also happens to now be love.

A heart like a pole. NO, THIS IS NOT A PENIS REFERENCE. I mean that he is at the core sturdy and reliable, not going to take my shit but still always respect me and my capabilities, always willing to be my partner and work with me to make both of us better and more beautiful people. Also the pole knows how to be patient and shut it's mouth and let me be angry or sad or whatever for a little while and then be there to help me pick myself back up off the ground.  It's sappy but I base my idea of "love" on how I feel about pole dancing and it is THE PERFECT METAPHOR. I am never settling until I can meet a man that makes me feel the same way I feel about pole. The end. 

Confused about the rest? Read the old entry to find out more! 

Now add in the mole. Doesn't that just ruin everything?? 

Good girl. You have learned well. 

We will be back to our regularly scheduled (ha) blog posts soon. I've got one all written up but it's been taking forever to do the drawings because MEN ARE BUTTS and I HATE THEM and they make me sad and it distracts me from being functional. 

Screw this. I am just getting a dog.


I just wanted to take a minute to say this because I just realized it, but "perfect man" is actually an imaginary friend I have that I like to talk to whenever real life people disappoint me or are butts or do generally annoying male things. If I am feeling sad or letting my thoughts wander to hopeless-never-gonna-happen daydreams, I resort to perfect man to comfort me. He is really good at it, because he is perfect. And yes, I actually call him perfect man and imagine him to be pretty much like the above depiction. 

I know. My life is sad. In a really fun way. I just felt the urge to share that with you. 

1 comment:

  1. I have just downloaded iStripper, so I can have the sexiest virtual strippers on my desktop.