Thursday, March 8, 2012

Blueprints for My Ideal Boyfriend v1.0 (now including legos!)

Usually being single is a kind of bittersweet thing for me. Sometimes it sucks, but I love having total freedom. And although every now and then I can get lonely, all I have to do is remind myself how annoying dealing with other people can be, and I'm fine. But lately the love prospects in my life are SO dull and I am beginning to go a little crazy. I don't mind being single, as long as there is some potential dude to play around with in my thoughts, even though I'd really never date that loser. But in my particular situation, my options are very limited*

So lately I have been so frustrated that sometimes I just feel the uncontrollable urge to build a man out of scratch, because I feel as if I simply have no other options. Also, that way I wouldn't have to leave the house.

So here are my blueprints/plans/required materials/whatever for my Ideal Boyfriend Version 1.0:

Starting at the base, I would build a sturdy armature for my man. What materials would I use for this? Why, legos of course! Not only is it a clever metaphor for being colorful and youthful on the inside, but legos are fun to play with and would make a good base for a man with the kind of rough, striking features that I appreciate. This would include a nice, square jawline, toned abs, and a really long, hard, thick, solid PAIR OF ARMS. I really like hard, thick ARMS. Yep.
Also, just a note: while constructing the hands I would make the fingers nice and slender so he can serenade me with melodic bluegrass tunes on the mandolin. Hell yea. Also, he would be nice and tall, too. But not too tall. I am already pretty short to begin with.

Anyone that has tried to build things out of legos knows that they can often be rather delicate (usually when you need them to be sturdy. Of course whenever you try to take them apart they won't budge). So I would superglue them together. Thus my man would have SUPER strength. And be able to give me piggy back rides.

Newly Stole--I mean, Purchased Liver from the Hospital
I need a man who can hold his alcohol well. It's a pretty simple concept really. I am not the kind of person who takes on the role of mom when someone drinks too much. I hand them a bucket, maybe pat them on the back, and head back to the party. It's not my fault you are an idiot. So just install a brand spanking new liver and bam! All should be well.

(Actually, I don't know if a new liver will affect how you process alcohol in your body. Maybe it would be better to go used? Maybe get an Irish liver? In any case I don't want one that is "shot" to hell.)

One of those voice things like in a Garmin
I don't know what they are. I am sure they are little magical devices you stick in the machine, right? Except mine would be way more realistic and human sounding, and he wouldn't just give me directions. (Although that could be a fun and kinky thing to try in bed! "Turn left ahead. Go straight. Keep going straight. Arriving at your destination, aw yea!!") Basically I just want to be able to manipulate his accent whenever I feel like it. One day he can be Austrailian, the next he can be British, and so on. ...Actually, I would be ok if he was just British all the time. I think I could live with that.

A Thick Skin
It's very important to me to be with someone who has a thick skin. This means no crying... unless someone has died or you have been punched in the balls. That is acceptable. Maybe I am being a little bit sexist, or maybe I've just actually had boyfriends cry in front of me and and found it completely insufferable and really stupid. Either way, I make it a requirement. This is a tough one for me, but I think I'd have to go with that really cool rubbery material they use to make collapsable kitchen utensils with, because I love playing with those and it is nice to touch. And also bite. I don't even mean that in a sexual way! I have a total oral fixation, and I love to chew on rubbery things especially. Seriously, I get so jealous of dogs. Those lucky bastards are given rubber things specifically just to chew! It's not even fair.

Super Computer Brain
Another very important quality to me is when a guy is really smart and good at stuff I suck at, such as math or anything that requires logic and basic reasoning. Also, one day I am actually going to have to do taxes and I want to avoid that as much as I can without having to pay anyone. So a super computer brain would be awesome, thanks. And if it had wifi access anywhere he went and a database of recipes of delicious things to cook for me, I wouldn't mind that either.

Now we are down to the look. I already talked about tallness and long fingers, but there are other important factors as well. Yes, no it is dress up time! Hooray!

I am in firm belief that the kind of shoes a guy wears says a lot about him. If he wears old white tennis shoes, it leaves me with the impression that he is still mentally and emotionally stuck in 7th grade. If he wears bright colored nikes like a rap star, it leaves me with the impression that he is a douche. I'm ok with skate shoes or converse. I think that is a nice neutral zone of kind of caring about how you look, but not too much. However, for my purposes, I would outfit my Ideal Boyfriend with hiking shoes so we could go on hikes together and he could protect me so I wouldn't have to worry about getting kidnapped by a mountain lion or being eaten by a rapist. Or something like that.

I don't have too many restrictions on the kinds of pants a guy wears, as long as they aren't stupid or from hot topic or any store of equivalent stupidity.

Well fitted plaid. Nothing more needs to be said. Am I right, ladies?

Messenger Bag
I have nothing against a murse. It is less attractive for a guy to forget really important items like his phone or wallet. A nice canvas bag or whatever can be very functional and honestly I wouldn't mind if he carried around a sketchbook at all times and drew amazing things. Because yea, artistic skill and ambition to better yourself as an artist is hot. So my Ideal Boyfriend would need this bag--at least most of the time anyway-- for this purpose. I would also require that this bag have magical Mary Poppin's properties and thus be an endless source of delicious food at any given time. Life complete.
...Ok, maybe I am just starting to make things up that I really want but have nothing to do with a boyfriend. Oh well, it'd still be sweet.

He should just have it, basically. And wash it. I am not too picky on hair either. Basically, I'm not too picky about physical appearance at all, if you couldn't already tell. But I do tend to like darker hair and I am a huge sucker for a ginger. So yea, let's give him ginger hair, so we can make ginger babies one day. They'll be adorable and soulless.

I really can't describe to you all the things I could ever want in this Ideal Boyfriend by way of objects, because that would take metaphors well beyond the capacity of any sappy over-done literature, and this isn't english class. I have my own personal list and can machinate these things as much as possible on my own, with a special little device I will invent called the "personality device." This will be a little black box I can stick in the back of his lego structure and it will contain and force him to have all the wonderful traits that I am too lazy to come up with a creative way to describe. See the following list for reference:
-Funny as hell
-Tendency to play pretty-looking RPG video games. Good ones, at least.
-Ability to try to get to know someone without the aid of Facebook or texting
-Gets along with at least one of his parents, if not both
-Adventurous (aka will call the pizza guy for me and likes to leave the house every now and then, even if it is just to do stupid, pointless things)
-Fluent in sarcasm
-A good writer
-Fearless of spiders
-Not a manwhore
-Not a whiny bitch
-Not an asshole
-Not socially awkward
-Can read my mind

So that is it. Everything I need to build my Ideal Boyfriend, Version 1.0. All I have to do is go out and buy the materials! And invent scientific shit! Shouldn't be too hard, right?


...I'm going to be single forever, aren't I?

Coming up next: Now accepting boyfriend applications! Anyone, anyone?

*I really will get to describing the men around me to you eventually, I promise, I have it written out and everything, but I have ambitious dreams of beautiful illustrations to go along with it that I haven't gotten around to yet. One day...

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