Sexless and Cynical: How To Get Over a Boy in 12 Easy Steps

You probably heard about my failure at summer romance YET AGAIN, huh?

One day I'll have a summer fling. One day. Probably when "summer" stops being a thing in my life and it'll just be, like, a normal relationship or whatever.

Ha. Who am I kidding? There is no such thing as a normal relationship.

I'mma be single fo' eva suckas.

...Please ignore the muffled sobbing sounds.

ANYWAY.

I've been going through that special time in a girl's life when she is all sad because a boy doesn't like her and I realized I have started to become pretty good at this. When I was young and had my heart broken, my innocence shattered and destroyed, and was emotionally scarred forever for the first time, it was really hard to get over the boy. It took me all of 5 years for that first time. But after being rejected time and time again, I'm starting to get it down to a science!

Don't get me wrong, it's still an excruciating process that makes you want to rip your chest to shreds because you just can't stand the pain and damage to your self esteem any longer... but at least there seems to be a developing method to the madness. Hooray! So here it is: 12 Easy Steps to Getting Over a Boy.

Wait, did I say 12? I was lying to you. It is actually an indefinite number of steps and basically never really ends. I just said 12 because that makes it seem more marketable.

DISCLAIMER: There are really 1,001 ways to get over a boy, I'm just writing from my own dysfunctional experience. Which subsequently means none of this probably works. But you can try it out if you want, and if does work you should endorse me so I can become famous and a millionaire and write self help books to ruin a lot of people's lives.

Also, if you ignore all my sexism this all totally applies to guys getting over girls, too. At least, I think so. I've never had to do that myself.

AHEM.

Part A: Contemplation and Reflection

1. Be realistic

*Note hot guy jeans. Proof that this is perfect man.

Don't do this to yourself

Nit pick!!

The first and most important thing to do is to sit down and reflect carefully and thoughtfully over the situation that just occurred. Contemplate where it went wrong. I don't mean for you to contemplate where YOU went wrong. Oh no. You are perfect. Don't ever forget that. You should think about why HE sucks. In infinite ways. There are a million reasons why it would have never worked anyway.

Sometimes it's easy. Maybe he was actually kind of a douche bag to everyone but you because he just wanted to get in your pants. Maybe he was a smoker and you hate cigarettes. Maybe he was an abusive alcoholic high school drop out junkie with no job, anger management problems, and commitment issues. Maybe he didn't use proper grammar when he texted you.

But sometimes you have to dig deep. Maybe he had a funny shaped mole that secretly freaked you out that you were just pretending to ignore. Maybe he was lactose intolerant and you have an unshakable bond with milk. Maybe he didn't spend enough time on Facebook to be considered a regular user and that was just kind of a weird concept to you.

Either way, you two were never meant to be. Because he sucks. Just accept that.

2. Stay true to yourself and your standards

Consider for a moment your standards. The reason things did not work out is probably because the two of you were not on the same page with what you wanted from a partner. Seeing as you are the girl, your standards were probably a lot higher than his. Not to be sexist or anything. Or maybe I do. Whatever. (Girlsruleboysdrool!)

This is the point in which you should think about lowering your standards. Maybe you COULD just be a meaningless piece of ass for him to take advantage of, stroke his ego with, then eventually forget about and move on with. That would be, ok, right? Better than nothing, right?

Hint: The key to this step is to bitch slap yourself before/after you say "yes," and be like "Gurl you kno betta dan dat. You one fine piece a ass an you deserve a boi who will hold ya hand and buy you milkshakes n shit, girlfrand."

3. Give it some space

Alienate that sucker.

Be sure at this point to annoy the boy so much with the emotions connected to your vagina that he stops talking to you. Even though he said he just wanted to be friends, we all know that is total bullshit so make sure to turn that into a reality. Just keep talking to him like "normal." This will sniff him and his bullshit out. Prove that he really never wanted to be friends. Because pain is fun. It reinforces the fact that you have to get over this jerk.

4. Think Forward

Think about your actual potential to be with someone in the near future. Let's be honest, you are really weird. Your life is weird. Things are in a weird place. How hard would a relationship actually fail right now? Pretty hard.

You are going to be single for a long time. That's ok. One more loss to add to the pile? No big deal.

Part B: The Actual Getting Over Part

5. Get perspective

I call this "hate picture hate"

You are bound to run into this person or at least have to see pictures of them on the internet thanks to the great obligatory shark tank that is social media. You will be tempted to feel sad when this happens. Do not. Instead, force yourself to look at these photos and focus on feelings of dislike or hatred. Browse/stalk their entire Facebook profile and think "IhateyouIhateyouIhateyouIhateyou" over and over again until it becomes fact and you no longer feel sad.

6. Seek Out Alternatives.

In other words, stare depressingly at dating site profiles. There are hundreds of other fish out in the sea. And they all suck. So who cares?

7. Give somebody new a chance.

Rebound time!

Start hitting on random strangers on Tinder. At least there are hot people on Tinder. This will keep your flirtation skills sharp and make you feel at least a little good about yourself. Although not when guys don't respond. Ignore this. Keep hitting hard.

(Seriously why did they like my profile if they aren't going to talk to me?)

Me at the bars. This is why I stick to the internet.

If you don't have a smartphone with the Tinder app, I guess you could go to bars and hit on real people, but who does that anymore?

8. Keep Your Skills Sharp

Continue to make out with the back of your hand at night in bed in the dark because it's strangely comforting and it will help you keep your super awesome make out skills sharp. Don't be afraid of judgement. The back of your hand and you know each other on such an intimate level now that no one can shake the bonds of your boundless love.

9. Do something for you.

I don't mean this in the friendly-Dove-chocolate-wrapper-go-get-a-pedicure way. I mean this in the you should start masturbating again way.

Masturbating is really healthy for your and your mental state. I know this because of science reasons. You probably stopped because the idea of sex in general started to get kind of depressing, but just like your steamy make out sessions with your wrist, make sure to keep at it because otherwise life is just pointless. What, are we all just going to work, contribute to society, and then die? Screw that. Get your pleasure on.

10. Change your medication.

Make the switch from alcohol to caffeine.

Exclusive footage on exactly how this blog was written

I know I've preached the joys of drinking alone in the past, but when you are particularly lonely and depressed sometimes this really isn't a good idea because it only makes things worse. Then it leads to bad life decisions. Gee. Who would have known.

Instead, try caffeine. It's a drug that is just as addictive and still makes you feel all fuzzy if you have enough of it. The best part is that it boosts your productivity! Screw up you sleeping schedule as much as you can so you start to loose track of what day it is. Soon time will pass and you won't even be aware of it. And then life becomes meaningless and blurry and stupid and boys will become the least of your problems.

11. Exercise

My advice? Dance like a sexy beast.

Close your eyes, writhe on the ground, sway your hips, let it all loose. Supercharge your sexy energy and be all like "I'm too good for humanity." Expose yourself on the internet because you are kind of slightly an exhibitionist and also it's fun just to look at yourself and get compliments from people.

But really.

Keep moving. Just keep moving.

(That is the only real advice I have in this whole blog)

Part C: The End

12. Let go of all hope

The absolute worst part of being let down by someone is not the fact that you have to face being single for just a little longer. That's ok, you can function with single. Single is your best game. It's the fact that for a brief moment, a little ray of hope shone down upon you and you thought maybe there was a light at the end of the tunnel. Maybe it would finally be your turn to get on the boat and go for a little cruise. And then it all caved in on you and life just sucks more. That is the part that hurts.

So let go of that hope. That hope is what causes you the pain. As long as you hold to the hope associated with that person, the longer you will prolong your pain. If you really want to get over it, give up hope. Know that it will never, ever work out in any way, shape, or form, and let it go. Move on. Be done. Stop thinking about it.

It sounds depressing. But what did you expect from a blog titled Sexless and Cynical?