How to Make Functional Friendships: The Gameplan

Now that I am all moved back into my hometown where I grew from the happy, ecstatic child I once was into the morose, cynical, and depressed adult that I am now, one of my goals is to work on improving how I interact with people.

I've been keeping a journal (a real one, where everything is genuine and stupid and written on paper so I don't *accidentally* share it with everyone) and trying to work through my social anxieties and issues with dealing with other people being close to me in my life. Even though I've [stupidly] taken on two jobs, I do hope to spend more time with other people and create friendships that I am not constantly stressed about losing.

So I brainstormed a bit and here are some parts of my How-To-Make-Friends Gameplan that I thought you might benefit from being forced to read about. Enjoy!


1. Be more selfless.

Make people cookies, give them rides, invite them to expensive concerts on my dime, or offer to trade clothes or shoes to garner closeness. Or underwear. This also garners closeness.

Or should I say garters closeness.

Eh, eh? Anyone?

It will bring us together, really!

If I am feeling really selfless, I will offer them my first born. If I happen to get pregnant way earlier than I ever desired, this could be really useful. Also I might accidentally be friends with Satan.

Hm.

2. Communicate what I want and need from them. 

I am just going to be up front about who I am and that I want them to be my friend. There is nothing better than blatant, uncomfortable honesty. In order to avoid the awkward conversations though, I think I will just wear signs around my neck, kind of like those allergy bracelets. I went on a date with a guy who had an medical/allergy bracelet recently. I didn't notice it until he showed it to me. Good thing I didn't order the brownie with the nuts. So mine will have to be much more colorful and large so no one misses it and is accidentally not my friend or something.

 Here are some examples that I think will work really well for me.

Ironically I got this idea from the kids novel "Stargirl" 

3. Throw wild parties at my house .

I learned this trick in high school. People will definitely like me better/want to be closer to me if I am willing to put my ass on the line to allow them to get wasted as fuck and throw up in my parent's bathroom sink. I will invite everyone I know and bank on at least a couple of them showing up and letting me be a part of their special "friend club" or whatever bullshit people manipulate their friendships into these days.


4. Call people at 3 AM with all my problems.

This will bring us closer. Especially if I am sobbing wildly. Then they won't be able to hang up on me right away. At least not without feeling like a really awful person. So if they do hang up on me anyway I can use that against them later. Like the really great friend that I am.

5. Get pedicures together.

We shall bond over shiny nail polish colors, awkwardly not understand the asian ladies who are talking shit about us and our bunyons right in front of us, and I will pretend to love hearing about their boyfriends and boring relationship problems


(...I just want to get my feet rubbed by Asian ladies.

I don't mean that in a perverted way.

I really don't.)

It just feels really good ok?!

6. Find things to do in common. Like exercise!

So I can beat them and win and feel good about myself.


If, in turn, they are more in shape than I am and beat me, then I will refuse to talk to them and they will no longer be my friend.

7. Get drunk. Play Mario Kart--the ultimate fun time friend activity. Then, to find out who my real friends are, play Mario Party. 

I am pretty sure drunk Mario Kart at 4 AM is better than sex.

It's all fun and games until someone takes out Mario Party though.

That is when shit. gets. real. 

8. DO NOT sleep with them.

Repeat after me:

Sex does not cure loneliness nor will it make people want to hang out with me more.
Sex does not cure loneliness nor will it make people want to hang out with me more.
Sex does not cure loneliness nor will it make people want to hang out with me more.
Sex does not cure loneliness nor will it make people want to hang out with me more.
Sex does not cure loneliness nor will it make people want to hang out with me more.



(Well, most people.)

This one is a big problem with me. Apparently.

Actually, every time I think about legitimately dating someone, I want to vomit from the stress. I also can't imagine anyone that I would actually want to date. Everyone. Totally. Sucks.

I just really miss spooning.

That is the Sexless and Cynical way, I guess!

I may or may not be a closet exhibitionist. If that is even possible. 

Although to be honest if a male friend asked me to split a churro I'd be pretty suspicious about his ulterior motives.



FRIENDSHIP FOREVER HERE I COME.