Sunday, November 18, 2012

The Evil of Daylight Savings

I don't know about you guys, but lately things have been beginning to slip for me. By slip I mean that everything in my life feels like it is just starting to spiral down an evil black hole of doom. Basically I am sitting on the edge of it, dangling my feet, chewing on some bubble-gum, playing with my yo-yo and staring down into a vortex-like abyss that I could potentially get sucked into if I don't get up off my butt and do something about it soon. Herman the worm will not be coming to save my ass. (If you get this reference you win all the gold stars). Right now I am basically standing on thin air like a Loony Toons character. As soon as I look down, oh man, is shit going to hit the fan. 

We all know how this is going to end

I got the ball rolling when I met someone I am highly attracted to awhile back (just another glorious form of anxiety to lug around every. waking. moment.), but really the black hole beneath my feet started growing when I tore my hamstring last week. As excited as I am to have a real athletic injury, thus legitimizing my very fitness-obsessed soul, I am mostly just incredibly pissed off. I did everything I was told! I warmed up! I did the prep stretches! My good split, the one that hits the floor, was feeling really good! My hips were so square! I thought I could go for it. I thought I was extra warm and extra flexible that night. I sank all the way into my bad side split, held it for a few moments and then POP! Followed by an excruciating bit of pain. I played it off cool for the rest of class, telling no one and taking it easy on the tricks, but boy was I gimpy walking out of there. And now I have had to take a break from running, ease up on the poling, and my flexibility has been set back by miles. It's not fair. This is one giant, fat metaphor for my life. Work hard, do everything you are told, and still get screwed over. Thanks, universe. 

So that happened, and not being able to run has been like someone taking me off my happy pills. That first day I had to skip a run I was a mess. It was not a pretty sight. Ever since then, the black hole has been steadily growing, causing self doubt and anxiety all over the place like a drunk, hot mess on puking her guts and other respective bodily fluids out on the street outside the bar at 2am after St. Patrick's Day. I have done some pretty crazy things since then. I wrote in my diary--the real life paper one, that I don't share with anyone, where legitimate shit I feel about my life goes down. I pondered how all my exes were doing for the first time in months. I had a nice little emotional artistic crisis that I shared with the whole world wide web. It's been really enjoyable, this whole doubting everything in my life and crippling fear of the future. I could not enjoy it any more. No really. I could not. 

So I sat down to ask the question, what has happened? Besides getting an injury and being unable to work my body into exhaustion, thus not having time to have an emotional breakdown, what could possibly be the cause of this horrible feeling I am having lately? I was doing so well, after all. I finally felt like the journey I began in January had gotten me to a good place. And then it hit me. That was just it. I started in January. I have't experienced the brunt, full-force slap of the onset of winter since I started rearranging my whole life to revolve around handfuls of raw spinach and being a physical BAMF. Seasonal affective disorder is hitting me hard right now. And I fully and completely wish to place the blame on something other than my own mental weakness, which we all know does not actually exist since I am an all-powerful badass. So I have no choice than to accuse none other than the wicked, vicious, and cruel-hearted daylight savings time. 

I live in Southern California. We have not had any particular influx of cloudy, overcast days since "fall" began and the temperature has only dropped to the mere low 50s during the evening. It still hits the 80s most days. It's not really winter here. It never will be. But the days sure as hell are shorter. I type this at not even 5PM and my entire apartment is shrouded in darkness. I know I am the odd average 20-something out by getting up at 7AM most days, sure. But empathize with me for a moment. 7 AM used to be sunrise. Now it is 6 AM. I have lost that precious, beautiful one hour of daylight time and it has made all the difference. I am not pleased. Not one bit. 

The days are shorter during the winter in any case, and daylight savings time only takes what little we are left with from us. This "daylight savings time," benefits no one, as far as I can see. I stand here, on the edges of mental sickness, beholding the abyss of melodrama, pretentious artistic breakdowns, and S.A.D. out of the corner of my eye, in hope-- in fear driven desperation-- and urge you, the trustworthy and reliable people of the internet, to take hold of the future, to make a stand, to tell daylight savings time to go home! 

This is how I would protest on the streets. If I went outside. I'd be topless because that is the only way to protest. At least that is what the internet tells me. 

Who, WHO I ask you, benefits from daylight savings?? Only the crazy fringes of society, the tiny fraction of the population that is crazy enough to get up at the preposterous hour of 5AM, a time so shameful it really shouldn't even exist. Forget them! Their minds are already so sick and twisted that we should have given up all hope on them a long time ago. The truth of the matter is that it is an old, outdated practice. Daylight savings was invented in the stone age to help farmers who had to milk cows and sow crops or sacrifice their first born child or whatever the hell it is 'farmers' do. We all know that  our food now is exclusively produced in oversea factories by Asian toddlers experimenting with test tubes and year-old rejected halloween candy anyway. (That is all fact. You can check me on it.) It is the 21st century now and we don't need daylight savings time anymore. It is nothing but a terrible burden our nation is forced to endure because of things like gun control and women's rights. Put this world on the pill! Let's get a daylight savings time abortion! Death penalty! War in the middle east! Democrats! Republicans! GAY MARRIAGE! 

As a single white female still living mostly off her parents income, I clearly speak for the average american. I wish to be the voice of the common man and woman, the hard working class of our nation, who desperately need our help. Somewhere out there is a little girl asking her poppa why the sun stopped loving her, a tear forming in the corner of her eye as her father has to corrupt her beautiful and naive childhood innocence by explaining to her that no one loves her, I told you not to talk to me while I am watching Sunday football. Go play with this box of cigarettes or something. But she can't. Because it's  4PM and the sun is setting and her mother will beat her if she comes home after dark. America, I ask you, do you want to let this little girl down? I know I don't. She, like every other child, deserves to play with her box of cigarettes in the great outdoors, in the beauty of American nature with bald eagles and domesticated cats whose pictures enthrall the masses on the internet, the flora and fauna that have made this country what it is! Children are the hope of the future. Think of the children, if nothing else! Think of the children getting mauled by bears. Or terrorists. Or terrorist bears! That is the doom that awaits us, if we don't do anything about this daylight savings thing. 

We need to rally against daylight savings time. The hope of our nation and our entire planet depends on it. Maybe even the nine planets. Oh I am sorry. Eight planets. We have already lost one. Daylight savings has already taken its first victim! (You can check me on these facts that are so fact-filled and legitimate. Yes, they are.) We mourn Pluto. It was a great loss to our country. Do you want that to happen to another planet? What about your beloved Saturn, huh? Could you accept the responsibility for that loss as well? I assure you daylight savings time is in cahoots with global warming. Our intel tells us that they were responsible for 9/11 and ruining the economy. Imagine me wearing a blue tie right now because that will convince you I am a better American and you will believe every word I say.  No one wrote this speech for me. Never mind that I am typing this on a laptop and not actually talking at all. I am speaking from the heart. 

So I ask you, people of the internet that may or may not be a part of America but it doesn't really matter because daylight savings time is an international thing anyway, do you want to move forward, to seek not quite full on change, but slight adjustment in our society, or do you want to stay and the past and go down with the ship that is our society today? Are you ship rats or are you glorious, shiny human beings? Are you cheap Microsoft copy-cats or are you appealingly designed, overpriced Apple products that secretly rule the world in conjunction with Facebook? Are you low fat imitation butter or are you THE REAL THING?? Don't you want 4% more of your day, of MY day, to be sunny and glorious, to ironically taunt you with the thought of warmth even though it is winter and it is actually quite chilly outside? You wouldn't know anyway, no one actually goes outside anymore! Don't you care about me and my abysmal black hole that I am Loony-Toon hovering over? If you have made it to this point, it means you read this entire ridiculous blog I wrote. You must care. So show me, Americans/Other internetees, show me that you care. Vote for me, your sexless and cynical queen! 

Or don't. Because I am not actually running for anything. Also elections are over. This post came a little late. I'm sorry. It's daylight savings time's fault. Although you have to give me some kudos for fulfilling your ridiculous speech making needs. Can you tell I did my research on electoral campaign speeches for this? Well I will tell you something, I did not. That's right. I decided to wing it. Just like a real campaign. 


Campaign poster: totally original idea by me

1 comment:

  1. I am hating day light savings too! I live in Northern Canada and we only have sunlight from 7am to 4pm usually. Since I am COMPLETELY not a morning person I like to exercise at night. But its dark and scary so early now I really don't like running.
    On an interesting note, there is a small town in norther BC that is close to the Albertan border that doesn't follow daylight savings time. As a town they just don't.