Sunday, November 25, 2012

Thanksgiving Is Awesome

Dearest readers,

Recently, I celebrated the best holiday ever invented by mankind: Thanksgiving. A day where one can eat to their hearts content and no one can judge them for being a greedy fatso about it. A day where no one has to worry that servings of their favorite dish will run out, for there is no end to the Turkey God's bountiful spoon and also three people made the same thing, so we're totally covered. A day where neurotic psychos such as myself can mindlessly do something they absolutely love until their body screams in painful protest--no, not running, although weirdly the same behavior applies in that case-- but eating. Glorious eating! And oh what food there was to eat!

I want to take a special blog entry to describe and review the foods that I ate during the Great Thanksgiving of 2012 and also the aftermath that was Leftovers Day (most people call it Black Friday but as we all know I don't shop). As someone who really, really likes eating, I assure you that my palette is of the highest caliber and I will do my best and uphold my duty to offer the most in depth and well informed critique of the foods I consumed so that you can drool in jealousy and perhaps get a few ideas for your Thanksgivings of the future, of which I hope meet even just half of the amazingness that mine was. I will try to be as detailed as possible.

It all began on Thanksgivings Eve. I decided to tap into my matronly side (a severely neglected side of myself) and cook some things for other people for once... I mostly just wanted to eat them myself. Thanksgiving was a good excuse to make large batches of them. I put on a super girly 50s housewife apron and modest high heels (not really) and set to work baking sweetbread from scratch and also mini-apple pies cooked inside apples, because I am so meta. (I am so meta, I don't even use the word 'meta' properly).

The bread? Came out awesome.
The apple pies? Came out awesome.

Here are some photos I took on instagram because I have such an artistic soul and my regular camera phone is not sufficient enough to capture the depth of my spirit.

Awesome sweetbread

Awesome apple pies

My roommate had the brilliant idea of making an apple crumble with the leftover apple pie filling and crust. We ate it with some ice cream for dinner. It tasted awesome.

After cooking and taste testing my food quite sufficiently I went to bed, giddy with dreams of the tasty delights that lay await in the day to come. I was like a child on Christmas, except I actually slept because I have spent months honing my internal body clock to go to sleep and wake up at very specific times. But I will still pretty excited and all that. 

The next day, after a quick 5 mile run to make me feel a little less guilty about the events I was about to partake in, we headed off to the magical land of West Hollywood... I apologize. Those of you who do not live in Southern California probably do not realize that I am being completely sarcastic about that comment. Do not let the silver screen misinform you; Anywhere even in the vicinity of Los Angeles is actually a stinking pit. Fortunately the people we were going to visit are very cool and live in a nice house, so it was easy to pretend we were somewhere else a little less hellish. 

We arrived around 11am and were presented with completely alcohol-free drinks, sausage and egg pie, homemade bread, crackers, pear slices, and the most wondrous selection of cheeses. I would tell you specifically what kind of cheeses there were, but I don't actually know because I only pretend to be an educated person when really I know very little about the wonders of the world. This extends to the world of cheese, unfortunately. Perhaps one day I will be a cheese master, but those are only distant hopes for the time being. 

The drinks? Awesome. 
The breakfast pie? Awesome. 
The bread? Awesome. 
Crackers? Well, they were pretty normal, but still awesome. 
The pear slices? Awesome. And surprisingly very thin. Like really, quality deli-meat kind of thin. And crinkly. They were quite the sight.
The cheeses? Awesome. Especially the soft one. That one was really awesome. 

Then it was time to head off the site of feasting, several miles to the West of our location. Or East? North? South, maybe? Who knows. We were in LA. It is nothing but a labyrinth of concrete vomit. It is a feat just to tell which way is left in that place.

We relocated to another very nice apartment, so as to try and forget where we were again, because it was very traumatic actually having to go out into the streets and be reminded for a few minutes. There were many very hip, young couples there, but more importantly there was food. Dinner was on the brink of readiness. Appetizers were set out. There were completely nonalcoholic drinks galore. I helped myself to some innocent cranberry juice and started sampling. There were more cheeses. I don't know what kind, but I think one was what some people refer to as "brie." It was awesome. I ate a lot of it. 
There were also prosciutto wrapped dates, which were SUPER awesome. I nearly died. I don't often normally much like prosciutto or dates, but they were so awesome I even went to the trouble of figuring out what prosciutto was and how to spell it so I didn't look like an idiot on the internet. And let me tell you, that was a lot of trouble to go through. It took me like, 5 whole minutes to figure it out. I thought prosciutto started with a "b." 

After awhile of trying to save precious stomach space and subsequently failing to the lure of the prosciutto wrapped dates, it was dinner time. THE dinner time. The dinner time of all dinner times. We took our seats. We received our plates. As usual, I was one to get the ball rolling and started serving myself probably what was inappropriately too soon. Let me list for you now, all the things that I served myself, and what I thought of them, in detail: 

Turkey. Primarily dark meat (it is the only way to go, honestly). This turkey was soaked in buttermilk before being roasted. It was awesome. 

Gravy. I don't usually eat gravy, but it was in this really cute little gravy boat in front of me at the table. Turned out it was awesome.

Stuffing. Also not usually a dish I tend to eat a lot. Or ever. But this one was super moist. It did not even look like stuffing. I did not even know that was what it was. Which is actually why I served myself some. But it was awesome! 

Cranberry sauce. There were two varieties being served, one more gelatin-like, and one made up of real crushed cranberries. Both were awesome. 

Mashed potatoes. Classic. Awesome. 

Chili-infused mashed potatoes. At least that is what I think they were. There were beans and corn and salsa and stuff in them, so I can only assume. They were awesome. 

Steamed greenbeans. Awesome. 

Greenbeans in a creamy mushroom sauce. Holy crap. So awesome. 

Sweetbread that I made. We already know that it was awesome. 

A little whiskey-butter on the sweetbread... Actually this was one of the few things I did not like. Not a whiskey fan, really. But everyone else thought it was awesome. 

I got seconds of the turkey, stuffing, chili mashed potatoes, cream sauce green beans, and sweetbread. At that point I couldn't clean my plate because it hurt too much. It was a travesty, but one I of course expected, as one always must on the day of turkey feasting. What is Thanksgiving, but a time of pain and sadness that one cannot eat more? We are spoiled, upper-middle class Americans with far too much to eat. What a shame. What a pity. If only we could have more. Our lives are troublesome indeed.

I had to spend some time comatose in my seat, not moving even the slightest bit, as it was too painful and disrupted my strained digestion process. It was most unfortunate that the people next to me started talking human politics and socialism. I only managed to escape by the necessity of needing to call my mother. Thank god. It was a close one. God forbid I actually become opinionated on a matter of social and cultural importance. Yelcgh. The thought disgusts me. 

After awhile I regained a little mobility and we took a nice walk, perhaps burning off 50, maybe even 60 calories. I know the number may seem small, but every little bit makes a difference on Thanksgiving. And with dessert coming up, it was more important than ever. 

The dessert collection was quite a sight to see. In addition to my mini apple pies inside an apple, there was blueberry pie, pumpkin pie, ice cream, and coconut macaroons. I had some of everything. And guess what? All of it. was. awesome. I kept trying to eat more, but my body kept protesting. I sat slumped in a large, perhaps too comfy armchair, in pain and impatience. Every time I thought I might be able to eat more, it only took another bite to remind me of my weakness. Ah what shame! But it was well worth it. I did manage to consume a fairly honorable amount, and felt proud of what I achieved. 

And thus we returned back to the other nice house in LA. And after a few hours we also ate some banana cream pie someone had dropped off, complete with a whole banana or two inside. I also ate a plate of cheesecake, because it was there. Both were awesome. I fell asleep to two people playing a Dead Space video game for the wii, which was perhaps the most beautiful moment of the day, as it has been a long time since I have gotten to sit around watching other people play games. (This is weirdly one of my favorite things to do on the holidays, besides eating).

I had gone to bed with something of a stomach ache, but woke up refreshed and renewed, ready for a day of leftover glory. We began the day with home-cooked waffles. They were awesome. I had a little maple syrup, yogurt, and many types of jam on mine, including mixed berry, cranberry danish spread, fig, and a couple types that I could not pronounce and thus cannot recall now. They were all awesome. I was quite partial to the fig and danish spread, myself. There was also the best bacon I think I have ever had. It came off this enormous hunk of bacon mass, and was the softest, most actually meat-like bacon I have ever encountered. 

After breakfast, there was some newborn baby holding and homework to be done, but that did not stop us from grazing on leftovers of an entirely different Thanksgiving meal that had been brought to us. This included more turkey (not as good as the buttermilk turkey, but still awesome), french onion soup casserole (holy crap so awesome), cinnamon sweet potato chunks (awesome), mac'n'cheese (awesome),   and other typical Thanksgiving goodies that fade away in my memories. I am sure they were also awesome. 

There was a box of desserts that had been delivered by a passing guest the morning before. Upon inspection they looked delicious and we decided to eat them. Inside there was some flaky, creamy pastry thing with layers of flakiness and cream, a frosted strawberry angel food cake thing, and fruity custard tarts. I had some of each. They were all awesome. My favorite was the flaky thing. It was the most awesome. 

In addition, there was grazing on more desserts, including apple crisp, leftover cheesecake remnants, and some terribly fabulous cookies. They were all awesome. There was more homemade bread and hummus too. Awesome. 

Believe it or not, after not too long it was clearly dinner time. We were so starving. So pizza crust was whipped out, gravy was lathered upon it, and stuffing, turkey, and other leftovers were placed under a layer of cheese. It cooked for a short while, and Thanksgiving leftover pizza was born. It was literally one of the most awesome things I have ever tasted. I don't know why no one had thought of such a thing before. I cannot even tell you how awesome it was. There was also an alternative new-age leftover pizza made with cranberry sauce, aged gouda and who knows what else. It was awesome. 

I had 5 pieces of pizza in total. I would have had more, but my body resisted. At this point, I knew my time to eat endlessly was coming to a close. I mourned, but accepted my fate. I shortly returned back to my apartment with my roommate in tow, back to a life of raw veggies and regular plain old cheese. It is difficult, after such an extravaganza, to come back to such a dull existence. But I still have many more Thanksgivings to look forward to (only 363 days until Thanksgiving 2013!) I am already scheming what I can do with my leftover pie crust and looking up coconut macaroon recipes online. After all, Christmas is not far off on the horizon...

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