Sunday, October 28, 2012

Come to the Pretentiously Healthy Side, Luke. We Have Kale and Gu-Gels

I think I've been brainwashed.

That's MY pod!

Rather than spending my free time writing super fun blogs in the past few weeks, I have instead been training my butt off. Literally. All my skirts are getting too big. Oh my god, it's soooo annoying. Do I sound pretentious? Good, that is totally what I was going for.

I guess I have also been doing that "school" thing 30 hours a week and attempting to complete mounds of homework in the rest of the time as well, but let's just ignore that because we all know that is ingrained into my genes and is never going to go away. I will always strive to be a straight-A student--even though I probably never will be again, thanks to art school--because I will have an aneurysm if I take a test and can't answer any of the questions, so I try anyway. But I have never found myself in the position of striving to be...

...wait for it...

... an athlete.

Dun dun dun.

How have I always defined myself? Super ironically-awesome fake red head chick that can't do a push-up for shit and really likes pasta and draws and writes stupid stuff because I get bored and want to passive aggressively complain about my life? That is who I am, man! That is who I have always been. Now I am finding myself in a very awkward position where I have become the person that I have always made fun of, the person I never ever expected myself to be, and I have been focusing all my excess time and energy on getting further down that path. Obviously because someone has started drugging my water. Oh excuse me, I meant drugging my fancy energy gels that I finally know the real purpose of and actually use for their intended application on my longer runs.

Yup, definitely brainwashed. And I'll let you in on a little secret. I've only had pasta 3 times in the past three months-- when it was being offered to me for free and already prepared no less (my kryptonite). And what is more is that when I ate it, I felt as if I really haven't been missing out on much.

...Seriously, who am I??

I have an obsessive addiction to peanut butter and consider a spoonful of plain peanut butter my dessert for most meals.

Not only have I started paying attention to all the inspiration fitness posts that show up on my tumblr dashboard, but I've started "liking" them too. Because I actually relate to them.

I went into a sporting goods store and nearly died of desire. I wanted everything.

I spend time on running forums online.

Running 3 miles has become "taking it easy" and really is an enjoyable activity. No really.

I go out to normal people places like theme parks and get upset when I can't find anywhere I can buy a roasted veggie sandwich. I have to settle for churros! Woe is me. (Society is so messed up)

Alternatively, I found a semi-fast food restaurant that was all vegetables and quinoa and kale happiness and got really excited. I proceeded to get probably the least healthy thing on the menu (sweet potato fries), but it was just the thought that I could get my portobello sandwich on a bed of kale that was so thrilling.

I actually manage to drink the recommended daily amount of water almost every day. I need to pee every 5 minutes, but apparently now I am functioning normally.

Instructors, for the first time in my life, tell me that I have the strength for the move I am trying in classes, it is just something else in the way, like my shitty-ass balance or fear of commitment... I wonder what that says about me as a person? 

I can touch my toes to my head in a variety of positions, particularly where back flexibility is involved. People have called me "bendy." To my face. And it wasn't even a joke.

When I get new running accessories, I get really excited to go running and try them out and start wishing I could go right away instead of doing all the other stuff I am supposed to like, such as art. Pft.

I went into a Whole Foods and even though I was still disgusted by the excess of blonde yuppie moms with their peach-shaped butts pushing carts around in yoga pants I still wanted to buy everything I saw. Coconut sugar? What's that? I don't know, but it sounds pretentiously healthy, so I want to try it!

When I go to new classes, people are surprised at what I am capable of. I am not extrapolating this from one of my fanciful ego trips. I know this because they actually tell me. I have even finally been dubbed as an "upper level girl" at my pole studio.

I don't struggle with tricks and spins like I used to, and I don't struggle to pick the simpler ones up, either. I'm not the "battler" anymore. People in class ask me for advice sometimes, as if I actually had wisdom to impart or something. Weird.

I have real running clothes now. And running water bottles. And look totally super legit when I go running. Seeing myself in the mirror is surreal.

My life long fear of heights all but disappears when I am 15 feet in the air, suspended only by my own strength, and spinning faster than I can make myself go on any ordinary office chair. You think it would only get worse, but I kind of feel a thrill from it. (The dizziness/nausea is another story unfortunately)

I actually genuinely enjoy doing yoga. Not with the frilly soft voices of skinny middle aged women taking me on a journey through a beautiful imaginary meadow, but stretching on my own at home, at my own pace with a little indie rock going in the background. I see and feel it's purpose and it is good.

I wake up before 8 AM most days to have more time for longer workouts. And it doesn't bother me a bit.

I can finally see a marathon as a conceivable accomplishment for myself, considering I've already run half of one for "fun."

I found my heaven the other day in putting ice packs on my knees and eating peanut butter toast after a long run. It was legitimately one of the most beautiful moments of my life until I realized how lame I had become.

90% of my Facebook posts have become about exercise. I am boring the crap out of my friends, I am sure, but I don't care.

And about a week ago, I considered voluntarily getting frozen yogurt over ice cream...The ultimate sin...

Fortunately that time I came to my senses and got real ice cream. Totally worth it too. I have fallen into the annual autumn marketing trap of pumpkin flavored treats and Coldstone had this new pumpkin flavor that was was a close one though. Who knows what could happen in the future. Frozen yogurt is the devil trying to ruin the good name of ice cream. (Fat is not necessarily a bad thing, people!) Don't let it corrupt you, kids.

But let's think about it. Who could think that I, Meri Moose Gooey Boogers, would ever become this kind of person? I have been one of the least in shape and least athletic people I have ever met in my entire life. It is a part of my identity to fail at physical exertion. What do you think Red Face Syndrome is all about? It is God's physical stamp to mark you as one of the chosen few to legitimately suck at exercise for all time! Sports in school never made me give a damn and while I never wanted to be as limp as the noodles I so worshipped, I never really cared enough to change that about myself. That just wasn't who I was. And yet here I am. Being called an athlete fitness girl. Not just by myself either, but by others.

I'll even admit that I harbor secret dreams of running away to join the circus. Literally. I would love to be a brilliantly dazzling cirque dancer and become the best damn pole dancer in the world. I don't even say that as a joke. I think with enough hard work, I could do those things. I watch pole videos and get excited. Not in the way that guys do when they watch pole videos, but in the way when an artist sees a painting they like. All I want to do is go try out half the things I just watched and practice and train until I can do them as gracefully. And I am ready to do whatever it takes to get to that point, even if it means handing in doughnuts and pasta for kale and peanut butter. Which I've already kind of done, so you know, it isn't that hard for me to do. But there are plenty of other totally hardcore and badass commitments I'd have to make! Like being obligated to flex or check my butt out in the mirror every time I walk by! Or buying all of the fancy, expensive fitness accessories whose function appears to be too vague for me to figure out! Yea! So hardcore!!

I realized on one of my 3 mile "easy" runs the other day that I haven't felt like this ever. I have never been so functional on a mental level. I have never so easily gotten out of bed every morning, and I have never so easily fallen asleep at night. I still have my problems (art school stress is no joke), but that stupid little stone weight that I have always felt myself lugging around inside has almost completely disappeared. Or maybe I've just gotten stronger and carrying it has become easier. Whatever. It's just a metaphor. The point is, the sadness that has also been a part of my identity has disappeared as well. Even though I always feared I wouldn't know who I would be without it, I have not had to worry because I have taken on a new role as super obnoxious fitness lady (also super badass, too, of course).  The only thing I am worried about is letting that slip away. Because if I am not here to brag about my fitness achievements and be the super-obnoxious-but-also-badass fitness lady, who will be?? Admit it, you people need me. And I need you! So that you may respond to me and tell me that I inspire you and I can feel validated. It's the circle of awesome-ness.

Anyway, the moral of the story is that I am pretty sure the bodysnatchers got me or something, because I am feeling like a completely different person, inside and out. It is weird and terrifying but ultimately kind of cool because I like to think that I am truly a part of some alien hoard trying to take over the United States with our all-natural health brands and sappy fitness blogs. The masses will bow to our superior physique and bring us offerings of running gels and dry hands! It shall be glorious I say, glorious!! Bwahahahaha!

...Perhaps I've revealed too much. Just disregard everything I've just said. Unless you want to join us on the pretentiously-healthy side. And you know you do. (We meet under DIA. Shhh, don't tell anyone, we have them fooled into thinking we are actually political-terrorist lizard people when really we are just a bunch of fitness freaks. Why do you think Boulder, Colorado is the way it is??)

Nothing ominous about that.

P.S. I didn't do any illustrations because I was too busy dancing. Oh yea and homework. I'm doing that that too. Right. 


  1. I find your progress to be very inspiring! I am myself am also trying to make the transition into athlete and I always find your posts encouraging. :)

  2. I have just downloaded iStripper, and now I enjoy having the best virtual strippers on my taskbar.