Sunday, December 9, 2012

The Most Badass Resume You Will Ever Read

Hey guys, remember how this is me all the time?  

Yep! That is me alright. Oh except that I am white. Oh and also I am actually really super lonely and totally wish I had a guy in my life.

Ok, ok. I know I wrote a blog about how awesome it is to be single recently. And it is! Really! Don't get me wrong, I enjoy my independence probably more than most pathetic single chicks do. Ahem. But when you by some great incident actually commit yourself to feeling something about someone else other than complete disgust or indifference, even if it is just the tiniest bit, and things don't work out, it can really, really suck. Considering I only manage to find people I deem worthy about once or twice a year, it is always especially devastating when they inevitably do not reciprocate any whiff of attraction.

So I guess if I am going to be honest (and I don't really want to be, guys, trust me. It is difficult for me to admit any kind of weakness-- particularly when I am attempting to write a blog about being a badass-- but I feel like we have built up such a close relationship that it would be wrong to violate your trust, internet), yea, I feel kind of sad about being single lately. It is the contrast really, that gets me down so easily. As soon as I picture myself with someone, it is really hard to face the truth of reality and realize they don't feel the same way, especially when you prolong your desire over the span of several months. It is as if for the past three months I have really, really wanted a piece of cheesecake that has been sitting on my kitchen counter all this time, only to have to face the facts that for some strange, irrational reason, I can not have the cheesecake. Maybe there is a magical forcefield around the cheesecake and it is wilting away into nothing like in Beauty and the Beast or it is being eaten by mice or my roommates or the cheesecake prefers other girls. The reason does not really matter. It is just so cruel! So unfair! All I want is that cheesecake! So I get all sulky and cranky and end up having to spend all my time in coffee shops as it is to only place to go where I can be productive because I get too distracted at home trying to drown my sorrow in games of Tetris and staring at the wall.

So... that is where I am at in life right now. Having been raised as an over privileged suburban white girl who always gets everything she wants one way or another, not getting things I want is completely unacceptable. It makes me mad, really. Because personally I think I am awesome! When I look in the mirror every morning, I see the most badass, attractive, fake red-headed pale freckled pole dancing writer chick in the whole entire universe staring back at me. Sometimes she has really gross pimples or unwashed hair, but for the most part, she is pretty much the definition of perfect. And I love her. Seriously. It is most upsetting that not everyone else perceives me as the most awesome creature ever to grace the planet, for whatever strange reason. I cannot imagine why. It is not like I am really weird or awkward or self absorbed or kind of mean or anything! Geez. Get with it, guys.

I just don't understand why other people-- single, attractive, intelligent, and hard working young men in particular-- do not fully realize how great I am. Because I am. (And I will keep saying that until you believe it). I feel as if the rejection I receive is often premature or uninformed. And in the end, it is not even really that I need a boyfriend! If I somehow managed to get one, it would probably be similar to one of those situations where you buy a phoosball table or trampoline. It is really awesome for like, a week, and then you get bored. You start to wonder what the hell you were thinking and don't know how to get rid of it. So you stuff it in some corner of your basement or garage, forgetting about it completely until the day comes when you move away and leave it there for the next owners to deal with...

Alright, so maybe that is not the perfect metaphor.

What it really comes down to is merely the principle of people underestimating me. I feel like frequently in life I come up second best, primarily because I severely lack proficient social skills, and it is frustrating. Sometimes I just wish I had a straightforward, no fuss method of showing people I am awesome. Like a demo reel or a resume or something. I was thinking about this very matter and that is when I had my revelation. Why not do it? Why not just write a resume of awesomeness?

I already made the boyfriend application (I still totally have submissions just pouring in. Totally. Yea). So why not do my part and meet everyone else halfway? It saddens me that there is a necessity to do this. Really people should totally just absolutely love me and want me right off the bat, but I guess life does not work that way and sometimes people need a little push. Since I am so great, I am willing to give that push. I will go 110% at this, even if it means pushing everyone right off the cliff. So come on you little lemmings, follow me!

I now present to you, my Badass Resume of Awesomeness (click to full view): 


  1. (polelily on tumblr)
    Oh my god. These kinds of posts remind me just why I love your blog so much - you say things that sound exactly how I would want to say them, if I possessed the appropriate amount of cynicism and general badassery. Fucking guys and their fear of commitment or just plain honesty. At some point I found that, instead of a complete resumé like this (though it would be great if a guy actually took you up on it xD), we should just all wear T-shirts with our requirements printed on them on the front, and our own qualities on the back, so that there would be no need for the hesitant encounter, the realization that the girl isn't who he thought she'd be, and the embarrassing unwinding that generally ends up in alcohol and chocolates and feelings of being totally unworthy of anything, ever.
    On second thoughts, WE ARE WOMEN, and so totally self-sufficient. :D At least we should be!

  2. I've just installed iStripper, and now I enjoy having the sexiest virtual strippers on my desktop.