Sunday, October 7, 2012

This Loneliness is Killing Me-- Oh Wait. No It's Not.

Pure truth.

Ah singularity. Isn't it fun?

It seems that lately it has become the season of breakups. Maybe the planets are out of alignment. Like  maybe Saturn or something. Or Uranus. And by out of alignment, I mean people have their heads up it. Heh.

But stupid jokes aside, I have recently seen serious couple after serious couple flip the kill-switch on some pretty long term relationships. They have my sympathy, for I am sure that it has got to be rough. At least, I think so. Being the jerky unemotional badass that I am, I would have no idea how it feels to have a sucky break up. The only thing I ever felt after all two breakups I have gone through is guilt for not feeling worse about it. I guess you could say I am not exactly the expert in knowing what breakups feel like. But TV says it sucks, and we all know TV is the ultimate authority on reality, so let us just decide that it sucks.

As self declared official wisdom provider of the internet, I feel it is my duty to be there for all those newly single people out there--and all the old ones too, of course. I shall be your support, your shoulder to cry on, your helping hand...whether you want me to or not. Because I can stand here, in this metaphorical room of the internet, and with a metaphorical straight face tell you that being single is awesome and I truly do enjoy a lot of things about it. If you can't picture it, here is my rendition of me telling you that I like being single:

I want to go into why I like it and why it is good, but first it is confession time. In all honesty, I have had some trouble writing this entry. I have been working on it here and there for over a month now, desperate to try and get it done so I can spread the message before it is too late and people get into more relationships that they don't actually need to be in. Oh, the horror!! Unfortunately, as I said, I have found it difficult. I was worried that it was because I didn't believe my own words; two years of singularity was taking it's toll of desperation and I was lying to myself in saying that I still enjoyed it. However recent events slash possible opportunities that have been spotted on the horizon have only helped further reveal my terror at actually being in a relationship. After some deep pondering about what it would actually be like to be "with" someone, I have realized that I am not just shy or scared of rejection, but I really just don't like or know how to deal with other people on an emotional level. It is probably because I am such a selfish jerk, but that is another story for a different time. So the problem in writing this blog has not been that I couldn't believe my own words. I have no trouble in feeling comfort in being single. So what was it?

I tried writing this fun little list of reasons why it was awesome to be single, see? I came up with lots of reasons why I like it, why it is awesome, why you should like it too, etc. The list included things like not having to text someone pointless messages all the time, not having to tell anyone what your plans were, having the freedom to look and think about other people (including imaginary ones), not having to share your food or your bed, not being obligated to deal with someone else's life problems and emotional issues, having tons of free time to pursue hobbies, not needing to shave, the constant thrill of potentially meeting someone new, dealing with one less what-the-hell-do I-get-for-your-birthday gift every year, not having to hold in your farts in bed, and so on.

However, as I was writing I realized that most people probably like all of this stuff. There are likely many people who love to constantly tell other people about the mundane details of their life, or who like to spend all their time taking care of other people, or people who like to shave their legs all the time! People would simply not be able to relate to my list. Even I couldn't fully relate to it! I love shaving my legs. I will shave my legs warm or cold weather, shorts or pants, getting laid or not laid, because I cannot for the life of me stand that prickly cactus feeling down on my pale, flabby calves. I was the girl at summer camp who would take out a razor, a water bottle, and a washcloth and sit in the tent doorway during nap time and attempt to shave because it was a week since we last got to shower and the agony of my monster legs was too much to bear. So, as you can see, my list had problems. Hell, there are even probably women who like to hold in their farts in bed, who see each and every strange, discomforting pressure in their bowel as a new joyful challenge to try and suppress, as an act of love and loyalty to their significant other. Not that guys ever do the same for us, but you can only ask for so much.

So what could I do? My list was no good, but I still wanted to get the word out, to tell people it's ok to be single! Nay--it's great! Because I am definitely important and they will definitely listen to me. Or maybe not. Maybe I am just a weirdo who holds the unpopular opinion and it doesn't matter what I will say, because TV--who as stated before is the true ultimate authority on reality--tells us that we should always, always end up with our love interest in the end and that no matter how important or badass our mission and goals in life are, there must always be a romance on the side to help fulfill us and make our lives complete. Because without it, our ratings will suck.

Maybe it was all the conditioning for loneliness I received in high school-- eating lunch alone in the hallways, spending my weekends alone teaching myself new skills like how to sew or snowboard, going to almost every school dance without a date-- that taught me to like singularity. Or maybe it is more innate than that. After all, I did spend most of my time as a child running around the playground on my own refusing to talk to other kids who wanted to play and instead neighing or whinnying in their face and then "galloping" away, or sometimes "fly-galloping" away, if it was a pegasus kind of day (mondays). Perhaps I just could not convince people that it is a good thing to be alone. If they don't already have that innate desire and comfort of being alone, they won't ever have it.

But no, I didn't want to give up that easily. I truly believe that anyone can find joy without needing someone else to give it to them, that you can find joy in yourself! And I don't just mean the kind you find in yourself with a fancy toy from the shady adult store downtown, either. Sure, there are a lot of little perks to not having to deal with someone else laying heavily into your life. Maybe some things you will miss, maybe some things you are glad to be free of. But at the end of the day, it is about the bigger picture. Whenever I see people jump from one relationship to the next without taking some time off, I feel sad. I cannot understand why the population is so terrified of being single. It is like giving a baby a cane to get them to learn to walk and then they grow to be reliant on that cane and never learn how to balance properly and walk on their own. As soon as they outgrow one cane they have to get a new one and suddenly you have all these weird senior citizen-babies hobbling around. Soon they'll be calling everyone whippersnappers and complaining about their bad hips and buying nothing but cigarettes and cottage cheese and it will be so weird and all that tilted food consumption will probably take a huge toll on the economy insofar as the food industry is concerned and next thing you know it is a major campaign issue for the 2016 election. Hey, you never know.

This could very well be reality in 2016 unless we all spend some time with a relationship status that says "single." Beware. 

...What was I talking about again?

Ah right, standing on our own. What I mean to say is that is important that we learn how to grow on our own. You can grow in a relationship too, but that is a different pony all together and it does not quite give you the same results. Sometimes we need those special results that come from standing on our own. Learning how to deal with life independently is crucial to becoming a functional human being (whatever that is). There are just some things you are going to need to be capable of dealing with by yourself, from fixing toilets to deciding what your next career move is to finally realizing how stupid romantic comedies are. Plus, I never liked the idea that we are incomplete until we find our "other half." I call bullshit on that idea. Who the hell has the right to call me half a person, give me half the value I deserve? Who the hell thought it was healthy for us to start thinking of ourselves that way? It is really kind of fucked up, if you ask me. There is a lot of awesomeness within ourselves, and we need the chance to spend some quality time and get to know it better. If you cannot enjoy your own company, how can you expect others to?

We get this idea that being in a relationship will fix all our problems (ahem, probably from TV), when really, getting in a relationship is just a the first hurdle, which like any track and field relay, will be followed by many more. So why even bother with the first one? Just stick on the other side of the hurdle and you don't have to deal with all that shit and can enjoy life. In theory, if you wait long enough, someone will eventually come along that makes all that hurdle jumping business actually appear to be worth it. I have my doubts about that theory, however. Apparently you have to wait a really long time. I just don't have the patience for that. I'd rather wander out of the track and field stadium and find something better to do. Like pole dancing! Because track and field is fucking boring. Or maybe I am gonna go out of that stadium and let out a nice big fat fart, just because I can. And there will be no man I have to worry about impressing, no one I have to hold it in for in an unspoken devotion of love. I can be free in the best kind of way (the farting way of course!) and if any man choses to join me in my pole and fart filled path, then good for him. He is obviously making an awesome choice. But I am not going to worry about it in the meantime.

Me and my future soulmate, relishing in our fart heats...our fearts. This is the true image of love.

I can only hope these words may inspire at least a few lonely hearts out there. It's hard to put it into writing, this importance of learning to be on your own, and sometimes you just don't get something until you live it. It's painful to be alone sometimes, I of all people would know, but pushing past that and seeing the silver lining is an invaluable gift that I believe our society does not appreciate nearly enough. Being single is certainly not a permanent state of existence (unless you happen to be me, apparently) so there is no need to fret if it happens to you. Just sit back and enjoy it! I promise it will make your life so much easier. Besides, it is not like you can't have friends and family to support you in the ways that you cannot manage on your own, if you want them to. So I want you all to look deep down inside yourself and find your selfish, egotistical center that just wants you to do whatever you want to do for yourself, and connect with that. Trust me, you will become a much better person.

I have high hopes you will take my wisdom to heart, but then again, maybe all the fart jokes were too off-putting for you to take me seriously. I am sorry for my crudest blog yet. Next time I'll try to be more classy. Until then, go have some happy poots.

(Poots are fart-poop hybrids. It can be either or, really) 


Oh, one last thing. If you are part of that sliver of the population that happens to be like me, that is, you are someone who is so stuck in your single ways that the idea of being in a relationship completely baffles and/or terrifies you, well, first of all, good for you for already knowing all this. You can just disregard the entire above blog post. And second of all, I hate to inform you, but we have some serious problems we need to work through. Bleh. Problems. Gross.

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