Tuesday, February 14, 2012

2 Quick and Easy Ways to Be As Cool As I Am About Valentine's Day

Valentine's Day...it comes every year. And then it goes. And to be honest, I never really give a hot steaming shit.

No, honestly, I am not just saying that to cover up for my depressingly long record of being totally lovelorn over Valentines Day. I think I've had two v-days with a boyfriend...and I can't remember a single way we celebrated it. Although I'm pretty sure there was chocolate or something, maybe flowers? ....I really am pretty terrible at the whole romance thing, aren't I?

Ok, so it doesn't help that I don't really show any emotions outward to begin with. But I am really just not a holiday person. Why? I will tell you, and I am going to be completely honest here: I am a really selfish person. Horribly, horribly selfish. My agenda is pretty much only concerned with one thing: me.

Right now I am at a point in my life where I am stumbling around and trying so hard to figure out how to be an adult that deciding just what to make for dinner or what to wear that day is stressful enough. I don't have any time to think about other people! This may be a large explanation as to why I am single. Or don't have all too many friends for that matter.

I dread gift giving holidays. It requires an amount of selflessness and caring from me that just about breaks my machinery. All that spending time with people and doing nice things for them...ugh. Seriously, if you ever catch me singing Happy Birthday to you, it means I must really care about you. That or it is too awkward to not be singing with everyone else. (Although most of the time I can get away with mouthing the words and making little noises with my throat...which isn't actually that different from my version of singing anyways.)

So yea, I feel that the trade between having a relationship and being totally devoted and caring towards another person with being single and structuring your whole world out of things you want is a pretty good deal. This selfishness really helps me deal with this holiday.

Also, another mechanism that helps me glide through V-day like girl scout cookies glide to my thighs is that due to the fact that I have celebrated genuine "love" on this day so infrequently I have very low expectations. The lowest of low. Like when white girls try to "get low" at the club to be cool but instead just end up flashing everyone kind of low. The only expectation I have ever had from Valentine's day is that I will get a good haul of candy and chocolate. When I was kid, Valentine's was a significant day, because it was one of the few days of major candy collection in the year. Valentine's day was what would get me through to Easter. This was important, because often my parents decided it was a good idea to give up dessert for Lent. But, oh ho, did I get the better of them! Of course after Easter was always the long haul through summer until Halloween, but there was enough vacationing and ice cream during that time that it was bearable.

All I ever wanted out of Valentine's day was lots of delicious chocolate. We know we all threw the pointless cards full of marketing for cartoons away, even if your classmate went through great caring lengths to actually put your name on it (usually about half the class did this) and compiled all the candy together. Except for the cool Harry Potter cootie catcher card. That thing was so boss. I probably still have it.

Really, being reminded that I am single on this day is not that big of a deal, because I think about this fact so often anyways. Basically, every time I see a guy I remember that I am single. So, yea, this day, whatever, don't really care. And if I ever do have a boyfriend* during this time of year, well I hope that he is man enough to completely forget about the holiday so that I don't feel bad that I didn't get him anything in return when he buys me a bunch of flowers. Or chocolate. If he has any sense he will get me chocolate. Although if he is really smart, a weekly offering of chocolate will be routine. (Donuts, cookies, brownies, and other pastries are all acceptable alternatives.)

I hope I've given you a new perspective on this holiday. I am sure many people have a very complicated situation on this day, with many mixed emotions and outlooks... much more complicated than mine anyways (although it doesn't take much) and I don't run into many people who aren't affected by this day at all, like I am. (Is there anything that I am not amazing at??) Maybe they have realized that by all this reasoning that it is actually pretty strategic and rewarding to be single on Valentines day.

Also, I may actually be a man.

Oh, and if you are reading this and are in a relationship...I don't have any advice for you. Or anything to say at all about the matter. Sorry. Maybe you should break up with you S.O? Then I could help you a lot more. (This would have nothing to do with the fact that it would mean more single men for me)

Look, all I am trying to do is make the world more uncaring and passive place for all. I feel we would greatly benefit from this. Besides, that is the way of the badass, isn't it??

Have a good Valentine's Day everyone. Now I have to go, I have a date with a pretty pair of heels I never have an excuse to wear, sushi, and a body pillow stand-in for a guy! If I'm lucky there will be some cuddling later tonight ;)

*Now accepting applications. No seriously, just because I am single doesn't mean I want to be. Are you up to snuff? Take the challenge and find out!

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