|I've been singing to people's pets a lot more which is a good sign of mental health, right?|
A lot has happened in the past few months and most of it is way too serious for me to really dive deep into without getting all existential and melodramatic and serious and possibly offensive to certain people. Instead I'm going to skim the surface. You know, like a real journalist would.
What Have I Been Doing for the Past Two Months?
Traveling to California
I went to Orange County/Los Angeles at the beginning of March. It was like going to a ghost town. There were all these buildings full of memories, but to me, they felt empty. I had lunch with my favorite professor, stayed with the only friend I'm still in relative frequent contact with, and avoided the crap out of my old school. I even took the bus up the road next to it and wore a hood and sunglasses in case anyone got on and might recognize me. I was that neurotic. The way I feel about my art career still very much feels like a huge break up and relationship fall out, and I'm still recovering. Also I hate explaining to people where my life is going. Because it's not.
Competing in the Pacific Pole Championships
I competed and won my division, which was rewarding, but only in the smallest of ways because I only had one competitor, and let's be real, I totally kicked ass in comparison. People responded really well to my routine. It was great to feel like a winner for about 5 seconds, but it was a little overshadowed by the fact that no one actually watched. Here is a shortened but very real account of what happened the day of the competition.
Me: Wakes up in the morning. Excited to perform with a bunch of friends watching this year, unlike the last year where I was all alone
Friends #1 and #2: Oh! By the way, our flights leave before your performance and we're going to have to miss it.
Me: That's ok, plenty of other people will be there!
Later at the venue
Friend #3: (Calls on the phone) I'm sorry, I'm not going to be able to make it, I can't afford a ticket (She was also my ride back to OC)
Me: That's ok, I know lots of people here, I'm sure I'll get a ride with someone, don't worry about it.
Friend #4: I can't wait to watch you perform! And sure. you can ride back with me. I have to be back in OC by 5.
Me: Oh, I'm performing at 4:30. I guess you won't be able to make it. But don't worry, I'll find a ride with someone else.
Friend #5: Oh I wanted to watch you, but our car has a flat and we need to leave now. Sorry! But #7 and #8 will be there and video it for me.
Me: That's ok, I understand!
Friend #6: Good luck in your performance, I have a flight to catch this afternoon.
Me: Well it was good to see you!
Friend #7 and #8: Oh we want to watch you, we'll be there don't worry!
Friend #9: I'm totally here today just to watch you.
I go on and perform around 5 pm.
Friends #7, #8, and #9: Oh no! We all just missed it because we were out to eat and didn't make it back in time.
I did get a ride back (which was very nice because I got to connect with someone I haven't seen in awhile) and I did have about 3 people who actually watched, but damn if it wasn't a disappointing and difficult day. Trying to maintain focus while periodically going to the bathroom to cry is never easy.
Speaking of which...
Crying into pillows
Lots of pillows. February and March were difficult months.
As my coworker pointed out one day, pole was all I had to live for. It's been that way for awhile now. I seriously might be dead in multiple ways now if it weren't for it.
Getting all existential and deep
Ugh god. Did you see my last post on this blog?
In a lot of therapy
I somehow signed up for this with perfect timing, as my first appointment was the day after I broke up with Old Crow. As someone who spent a lot of my teenage years in and out of various counselor's and therapist's offices, it's been going surprisingly well. I guess the secret is to find someone with a sense of humor who will actually make fun of Boulderites and other people who are mean to you. She also makes me do stuff like clean my room. Kind of like a mom-for-hire.
Drinking a lot of lattes
For awhile I decided to totally indulge myself and spend way too much money on sugary drinks that have no nutritional value for me. Seriously. I probably racked up at least $100 worth on lattes in the past few weeks. I need to get my own espresso machine.
|Things should calm down a little more now that I've realized caffeine is probably what's been causing me so much nausea|
It was my first paid performance experience and probably the best time I've ever had on stage. I did a silly Charlie Chaplin routine that came out of my weird obsessive comedic animation background. As I was backstage putting on man clothes and drawing a mustache on my face, standing next to a bunch of girls in pretty underwear doing their hair all fancy, I couldn't help but think how bizarre I can be sometimes. I got weirdly anxious about this before I went on. I kept thinking "Why am I so weird?" It turned out a lot of people really loved my performance and I felt very warm and fuzzy inside. I love performing for a supportive audience!
Being a Pole Celebrity Handler
O.M.G. Natasha Wang, one of the highest of high pole idols, was the celebrity performance for the Elevated Art show and somehow I was in the position to be her chauffeur/handler. I gave her rides and made sure she knew where to find coffee in the morning and recommended places to eat, of which I am terrible at and got a lot of anxiety about, but damn did I feel legit. It was way better than that time I carried David C. Owen's backpack for him. I also took a few of her workshops which were fabulous, and when I told her I was preparing for a competition in a week, she went out of her way to watch my routine and give me some feedback. I couldn't help but freak out a little on the inside having Natasha Wang sit down and personally watch me alone in the studio. I am someone who avoids private lessons and don't even like choreographing or training in front of people because I just prefer my space to experiment and make mistakes without being embarrassed. But it was a great opportunity and great practice, so I am very thankful. She was lovely to have in Colorado and I hope I didn't scare her away from us by being well, me.
Being a cat handler
This was not as successful as being a pole celebrity handler, which is weird because I'm usually much better with animals than I am with people. That Fucking Cat, which is the unofficial name of my employers/friends adorably fluffy kitten, tormented me with her feces while I was house sitting. All I ever showed her was love and adoration, thinking she simply was not getting enough and what did she do in return? She pooped and peed on the bed I was sleeping in. Three days in a row. One time while I was in the room with her and had my back turned. Natasha even thought I might have peed the bed…for…some…reason? There is nothing like having your pole idol assume you wet the bed. She was dead to me after that... for about a week. But I can't resist her fluffiness. I'm still mad at her though, and my love is a little more abusive now. I feel really bad about Viv's mattress. I did more laundry that week than I do in a month.
Going on a few very lame OKCupid dates
The site has altogether ceased to be entertaining to me, even in a bad way. It's just boring. I went on a date with a guy who spent 5 minutes explaining the rules of shuffleboard to me about half an hour into our first date. (Men, if a woman tells you she doesn't know anything about shuffleboard, it is not necessarily an invitation to explain it to her, unless you are 75 and that is your 'move'.)
The best irony, however, is that a week later I went to the very bar with shuffleboard in Denver that was the whole reason he rambled on about it. It was across the street from a bar I went to on my second date with Old Crow, where we drunkenly did amateur swing dancing and made out and it was totally an indie romance movie and I felt super shitty about the whole thing and basically bolted out of there as fast as I could. Irony is so much fun.
Performing in Oklahoma in a Legit National Pro Competition
I applied to Miss Pole Dance Oklahoma in January and did not make it in, but last minute I received an email saying someone had dropped out and I was the 11th place finalist. They offered me a spot and so of course I took it. I felt way in over my head, as I think I am just on the cusp of actually being pretty decent at pole, but I'm not quuuuite there yet. Like I said, Natasha Wang gave me a few pointers and even though I was swamped preparing for two other big performances that month, I dove in head first and put together a routine. At the actual competition many things went wrong. I did not land my big move and my shorts got caught in the last minute of the performance, becoming very distracting and keeping me from hitting a few extensions for fear of flashing the audience with my vagina. It was irony striking once again because a girl backstage had been passing out body tape telling everyone she learned the hard way a few months earlier when her labia slipped out to the audience and she had pointed deducted. I remember thinking I'd be fine, I'd never had a problem with the kind of shorts I was wearing. More irony in the fact that I had changed my shorts last minute at the advice of Natasha so they'd be a more "performance" appropriate cut, even though they were still one of my familiar brands. Bleh.
Anyway, there were a couple of notable experiences here. Besides the performance learning experience I met some super nice pole people. At first it was very intimidating, as everything felt like a catty dance movie because we all sized each other up and watched during the practice time. As soon as the competition was over though, everyone just wanted to get drunk and have a good time together. I mean seriously, these people were super nice. Everyone was supportive and gave me positive feedback on my routine even though it was not my best. And Michelle Mynx, bless her, told me something I will not forget because I feel the same way. "I can't wait to see where you will be in a few years." Me neither, Michelle, because I am pretty at this rate I could be pretty damn good.
I felt like I actually did a decent job being social, which is something I'm working very hard on with my therapy. Apparently my inability to make friends is the main source of my unhappiness. Who knew.
In any case, I can officially say I've competed in a professional national competition, even though I kind of sucked, I still feel a little more legit than I did before.
Doing a lot of math and programming homework
I'm not getting as good grades as I did in high school, but I realize now it's not as important as I thought it once was and besides, I'm still getting pretty decent grades. It's difficult stuff for my brain and if I do code before I go to sleep I have the weirdest dreams (sometimes I try to program pole dancing or pulling up the blankets). However it feels really good knowing I am learning marketable skills and have serious potential to have steady jobs in the future. Plus! I know I am expanding my genius in new directions and I'm going to be that much better at life when people decide to pay me a bazillion dollars for being me. One day.
|I always feel really good when I get a program to do what I want, even if I can't see straight for a few hours afterwards.|
Getting ready for my first legit aerial performance
It's not paid, but it's my first solo aerial performance on a real stage. I'm doing it for a friend from high school as a part of her undergrad thesis, so I am happy to help out another artist for free, even though I know it's about time to set some standards if I want to be taken seriously. Oh well. It's for a friend. Plus it finally forced me to buy my own equipment, which is super duper exciting.
It's in 2 weeks at Naropa. If you're in town you should come see it!
Training up a storm
My latest big goal is to make it to the Boulder Theater stage for the Colorado Pole Chapionships this September. This is scary to admit out loud because I am aware there is a very real possibility it could not happen, but I gotta try. It's all about mindset yo! (Tell that to the happy pills I'm taking)
I'm also planning to apply for the professional training program at my aerial studio this summer, which is a year of circus fun time school I have no way of paying for. I have to be able to do 3 pull-ups and 5 leg lifts though and I have no idea if that'll actually happen. I can currently do 2.5 and 0. I'd be a shameful female Marine.
|Every few months it's like someone invents some new way to put my legs above my head that I can't freaking do.|
Having Serious Dog envy
I'm currently like a married 30 year old woman who is just ready to blow up with a baby. I can't stop seeing cute dogs everywhere and I waaaaant one. Even though I have no money or time or my own place. I don't care, they're so fucking cute! I am weak, I tell you, weak!
Editing my novel
I am trying to make an actual career happen here, people. I've been working at this novel for over a year and determined to make it happen. I'm 1/4 the way through the first hand edit, then a pass through the computer where I make the actual changes, then get some people to edit it for me, change things, and then maybe I'll start looking for an agent.
IT'S GOING TO HAPPEN I'M GOING TO BE A REAL WRITER DAMMIT I KNOW I CAN DO IT.
Real writers make loud declarations of their dreams in all caps on blogger websites.
Being Not So Sexless and Cynical
Ambiguous reference here! But I'm back on the horse and getting my feet rubbed without even having to ask and sleeping on the opposite of the world's shittiest bed and it feels pretty nice.
God it feels so good. I know they're weeds, but fucking love them dandelions. They just make me happy. I'm like a little girl and will pick them and put them on my dashboard so I can drive around and feel satisfied.