Thursday, March 20, 2014

Strange Sea, Plus Bonus Cute Things

When I was younger, before my parents got divorced, I used to travel to South Carolina every summer and vacation at Edisto Beach for a week. We never took big, lavish international vacations like a lot of my rich white kid peers, which is weird because I am also totally a rich white kid, but I am extremely thankful for the memories I had at that humble little island anyway. It was a beautiful place.

I used to spend hours out on the beach. Sometimes I'd make fake pasta with seaweed and bits of pool toys in holes I dug in the sand with my cousins because grown up shit was somehow always really cool*. Little did I know that was the universe foreshadowing my future as a young adult shrouded in misery and darkness, making nothing but pasta all the time because I was not fortunate enough to be one of the few to which cooking brings joy. Damn you, universe. I thought making food was going to be fun and not a task which would cause me to become existential on a routine basis!

I digress.

When I wasn't playing in the sand I was out in the waves. I was bragging to this to a guy the other day who seemed super impressed, so I'll repeat it now: I was an amazing boogie boarder. In fact, I might have to add that to my dating profile. Because seriously guys, I was friggin' awesome at it. My 8 year old self got such an adrenaline high from catching those 3 foot Atlantic waves. That is what I'd look forward to most of all during summer vacation. Well, that and the giant plastic containers of cheese puffs my aunt and uncle would bring on the trip.

But when I wasn't catching mad redonk surf with my board, I'd sometimes turn around and launch myself off the wave as it rolled past. I'd pretend I was Pocahontas when she jumped off the waterfall into the canoe and then get to go meet hunky dunky John Smith with his sexy 90s boy band hair. Sometimes, I'd let the boogie board drift to the side while I let the waves lift me up and I'd twirl around and pretend I was a ballerina. I never would have admitted to fantasizing about being a ballerina, it was way too girly for me at the time, but it's true, I wanted to dance. I always have.

And then other times, I'd just sit there, cling to my boogie board, look at the ocean, and think about things. I'd often wonder what would happen if I got caught by the riptide and it took me out to sea. What it might be like to sit all alone in the ocean by yourself with nothing but a cheap styrofoam boogie board to hold on to. How it would be to not be able to see land at all. Would I get cold? Would I get tired? Hungry? Thirsty? Would I get eaten by sharks? Could I swim back to land? Would anyone come save me? Would they be able to find me? Would I be afraid?

How long would it before I would give up hope completely?

It's funny, the universe had once again foreshadowed to my future. These days I let my mind drift a lot. I can't focus on anything and I constantly feel like I'm floating in some massive strange sea. I legitimately get dizzy and images sort of get fuzzy if I don't concentrate hard enough frequently. I keep thinking about the things I want to do, what the next steps are, and it's like I am walking on jell-o, except it's way less cool and for some reason I'm not allowed to stuff my face with it. Meanwhile, I have to keep doing the things I am supposed to do, like taxes and laundry and math homework.

Then I get these bizarre moments of solidity. I feel like I can do whatever I want if I just believe in myself and work hard enough, that I am amazing and nothing is going to stop me, this is just the part of the movie where the going gets tough. You know, where I'm all like "I am woman, hear me roar," and all that jazz. The world gets all amazing and inspiring and I can feel dance inside of me to beats in the music I'm listening to and every emotion I have is teeming, yes teeming, out of my fingers and the color of the sky makes me want to weep. I'm so artsy and everything is so meaningful. It's deep, yo.

Of course, then something frustrating happens. Sometimes it is when my homework is hard, or if I think about any one of my failed relationships, or I have too many boogers in my nose. Suddenly my world comes crashing down again and I'm floating in my quarter-life crisis ocean once more.

It's been a very unforgiving cycle.

I haven't written in awhile because not only am I beyond stressed out by the pressure of performing thrice in one month has put on me, but also because I haven't been able to think many positive thoughts about my life or life in general, and it gets very difficult sometimes, because that isn't who I want to be, at least not to other people. So I am going to remain not writing anything, because I can only do so much, I only have so much energy (in other news I wonder if I am anemic?), and mustering the amount of energy it takes to be positive to an internet full of strangers is a hell of a lot for me right now. So when things get a little better, I promise, you will be the first to know.

I'm not going to draw anything because I have a bunch of homework to go do, so here is a collection of cute animal things I totally stole off tumblr.

I hope they improve your day as much as they improved mine.

*I used to play "jobs" with my friends all the time. We'd just sit there for hours and pretend type on fake laptops and be endlessly entertained. We never did play "taxes" or "student loan debt" though.

1 comment:

  1. You are in a really dark place. I know dark places, too. Not exactly like yours, but I know how unforgiving the inside of one's head can be. Mine's a fucking nightmare. Hopefully you know how much I care about you, believe in you, and want to be here for you. I also don't want to feel like I'm forcing myself on you either. So know that I'm here and always ready to talk.