Thursday, May 15, 2014

Twerk Philosophy

Something has been weighing on my chest for quite some time now. I am having a very difficult internal struggle, and I am a little afraid of the judgement I might face from my community in talking about my true feelings. But this needs to be said. So here it goes.

I don't get twerking.

Dun dun DUNNN

I know. As someone who participates regularly in the field of super-sexy-time-dancing (which I DO, by the way, just usually not on stage. That is reserved for fake mustaches and anger), I should understand and appreciate at the very least the theory of twerking.

But I don't.

I just don't.

Let's go back.

I've known twerking has been around for some time. And no, Miley Cyrus did not invent it, in case you haven't been in on the world of super-sexy-time-dancing before that little incident. It's ok though. I never really took notice of it when I was still a part of the "real" world either. It was not until a couple months into taking pole classes did the world of twerking begin to become unveiled to me. It was one of those things people would just get really excited about every class or three, and we'd all get down on to the floor and give it a go as an instructor attempted to break down the mechanics of the twerk and how to progress into a "proper" twerk.

That's another thing I don't get, by the way. People who can see a clear, discernible difference between what is a correct or true "twerk" and what is just shaking your booty. I'm sorry. Are those not the same thing? This is how Google defines it, which seems pretty general if you ask me.

And yes. Google defined it. This is a real phenomenon, people. 

I think there are some people who define a twerk based on the flapping intensity occurs in the gluteus maximus and minimus muscles, AKA da' booty and it's respective POP. However, like I said, I wouldn't really know. I'm not in on this twerk elitism. Perhaps we should propose for there need to be a wider array of definitions, with specific classes of twerking, twerk styles, and so on. *

...This could be a whole industry really. I don't even know why I am in the blogging game right now. Clearly I need to start capitalizing on people's fascination with butt shaking. 

Myself though?

I never could quite get myself to twerk correctly. I'd try and try again and whenever I felt close, I'd try it in front of someone but would never get the "AAAAWWW YEAAAA GUUURRRRLLL" response that let's someone know they have achieved true twerker status.

How to know if you are twerking correctly 
Continue if you hear the following in response to your booty poppin': 
 WOOO AAAHH EEEEH YEAAAA UUUHH AAAHDJKFFJNG (and other incoherent wooing).
The sound of someone smacking your ass.

Please for the love of god, stop if you hear any of this: 
Mmmm…yeaaaaaa….errr… yeeeeaaaa….
 Really really awkward silence.
The sound of souls being emptied and crushed for all their worth while people avert their gaze in the desperate attempt to unsee what they have just witnessed.  

Please note: Alcohol invariably affects people's ability to properly assess a twerk. For a truly accurate response, twerk in front of a crowd of 60+ sober women.

It never really bothered me though. I figured my twerk would come in time.  For awhile I would go to the sexy time dancing pole class where a song was always reserved specifically for twerking time. Everyone would get really excited about this part of the class and let their twerk run free all over the poles and the studio for an entire song. I would kind of just roll around in the corner and pretend to be into it, but secretly I always wondered when we could finally be done and I could stop feeling like an epileptic whale. Eventually I stopped going to that class. Specifically for that reason.

This is both offensive to people with epilepsy and whales. I win. 

It's been two years and I'm still where I was when I started out: splay legged on the floor wondering why people aren't as excited about my thighs jiggling? They're close enough, right?

So I decided to just let it go.

But yet!

It persists to haunt me. On at least a weekly basis I see someone flip out over someone else twerking. It's like the free space in bingo for getting a positive crowd reaction on stage. And I honestly don't know why. I don't think it's because I'm jealous of others who can twerk. I understand that it takes skill to do it well, and I respect that. But there are plenty of other difficult things, much more difficult things, that don't get as big a reaction. Is it because twerking is just that sexy? I of all people can appreciate a sexy butt! I like butts! I like sexy things!

It's true! I swear!
But think of all the sexy, badass things you can do with your body. Why can't we make those more widespread? Why does the twerk have to dominate so? Take a look at this music video for Hips Don't Lie by Shakira. I know it's a little early 2000s retro, which is scary to think is a retro era now, but seriously. Just skip ahead to 1:50. She does this crazy chest isolation with her boobs that blows my mind. IS SHE A ROBOT? I DON'T UNDERSTAND. But I can appreciate it. 'Nuff said.

Why is there not more freaky chest movement to go along with freaky butt movement?? 

In the end, it comes down to the fact that the jiggling just doesn't appeal to me that much. Maybe I am not as secretly lesbian as I previously thought. Maybe I am too close minded about what is sexy in a woman's body. For now this is just going to remain a mystery to me and I don't know if it will ever be solved. I might stand alone in the pole community forever because of it, ostracized, misunderstood, and with a heart of cold stone because I have not had a twerking revelation. Secretly I want twerking to turn out to be a passing fad so that I may no longer have to suffer the shame of ignorance, but I honestly think it might be around to stay if Google is defining it. And offering translation options (hint: they all translate to "twerk").

...Although it took my computer about twenty separate typings of the word before it stopped trying to correct it to "tweak." Perhaps I am not the only one behind on the times.

 So far away from the butts. All alone. Except for autocorrect. I still have you.

*Did you see that syntax there? I'm taking too many programming classes.


  1. Haha this was too fun. I too have never really got the twerking bug. It's just not my cop o' tea, even if it can be hella impressive when others do it.

  2. Strippers keep telling me I don't have enough booty to properly twerk. (And yes, my autocorrect also just changed that to tweak.) I'm sure I'd enjoy it more if I could actually get anywhere close to doing it myself, and I do think it's impressive, but it's still not my thing.