Tuesday, July 30, 2013

The Fucked Up Circle of Friendship: Chapter 4: Nope, No Title, But I Promise This is the End.





I know it's a lot to read. Congratulations on making it this far! Cookies for all of you. In the form of lots of pictures.  

Chapter 4: Nope, I Still Haven't Thought of a Good Title Yet

You can probably see where this is going.

I thought there would be an easy choice. Or at least a right choice. HA. I should have known better than to assume something like that. After the events leading up to and that occurred on the 4th of July, Colorado showed me that I can be just an unhappy there as I can be in California, as I had suspected. So either way I would decide, I knew it was gonna be a tough road.

Speaking of which, the house I currently occupy in California's plumbing has seemingly exploded, and my roommates decided they don't want to put up with it anymore--and frankly I don't want to put up with them eating all my goldfish and sweet potatoes anymore-- so they decided to decline renewing the lease that expires at the end of August. We all have to find a new place to live in about a month. Meanwhile, I've applied to transfer to be a part time student at an art school in Denver and take a leave of absence from my school in Laguna Beach. I've also started a job hunt in Colorado and begun looking into storage options for all my things in California.

So I guess it is starting to get official.

It isn't that I entirely hate California. There are some really nice things about this place.

Even though the lack of seasons feel like there is no passage of time and thus adds to my crazy, I have gotten pretty used to it always being 80 degrees and pleasant outside.

 Meri in pleasant California weather:

Meri in actual cold weather:
I used to live in Canada. I used to be practically immune to cold. But not anymore.


There are lots of good job opportunities.





Jobs that I keep failing to get. But it's nice that they are there. I think.

(Yes, Blizzard lured me with hopes of a paid internship, coolness, unicorns, and real live donuts)

And perhaps the best part of SoCal is the pole dancing scene out here. There are so many great studios, instructors, and events. I love being at the epicenter of the North American pole world. I feel so blessed to be getting world class pole instruction on a regular basis. Perhaps the only time I ever feel like I am happy or that things might be ok out here are when I am in the pole studio or when I leave shortly after, and I'm still on my endorphin high.


For a few moments everything is blissful and at peace.


Then I come home


 and the reality of being a real adult sets in


 and I'm like


These events have become my daily ritual. 


But that is not to say that none of those things won't be waiting for me when I am ready to come back, once I've settled my head and heart a little bit and figured out who I want to be and what I want to be doing. Which I may not discover for a very long time, but at the very least I could use a little break from...all of...






this.


Because to be honest, I've started feeling a little bit better ever since the back of my brain made the decision. My heart feels lighter at the thought of leaving. I feel like I can see a light at the end of the tunnel. Things are going to be ok. They really are. I'll have seasons and real food again. Oh and family and friends and support and all that stuff. It'll be great.

(Also, a year of training and conditioning hardcore for strength and maybe I'll finally be ready to try and dip my feet into the competitive pole scene in SoCal, which is just CHALK-FULL of amazing talent. Or at the very least, maybe I'll be ready to be an instructor. Which I just recently decided was a goal of mine. )

I may not know what I want to do with my life or what I want in my career, whether I want to write television comedy, work in storyboarding, join the circus, become a stripper, get my truck driving license, or just blog to my heart's content. I find myself slowly letting go of all the "perfect" expectations I've ever had about my life or who I will be. In part this is painful, like I am letting go of a baby or a really adorable puppy I've been taking care of for a really long time. In part it is terrifying, because I am afraid I will let go of too much and end up becoming nothing but a mediocre, freeloading bum. In part it is freeing and beautiful because I finally feel like the world is opening up to me to explore and enjoy. I can take my time with my life and just appreciate the process of finding a creative niche, who I want to be, and what I want to do. Which at the current moment is a big fat mystery. But I do know one thing for sure that I need right now.

I need friends.

This brings us to the title of this whole shenanigan saga: The Fucked Up Circle of Friendship.

I really suck at the whole friend thing.

Obviously.

I've alienated all the halfway decent friendships I had in California. I struggle to make new ones because I feel like I don't belong and then I beat myself up about it. I have let the majority of my friendships back in Colorado die over time. I ended up sleeping with the people who I really just need to be my friends and now feel all awkward and sad about it. When I do manage to do things and reach out towards people, I see little in return, and it is usually because I am really only doing it for my own selfish reasons anyway. I get paranoid and clingy when friendships start to die out. So paranoid that I let them die when they don't really have to. I'm too self absorbed and self conscious to make anything work.

I guess you could say my circle of friendship is pretty fucked up.

I don't know how to functionally connect with people and make a happy metaphorical circle, but I really, really want to. I want to be able to ask people to hang out or talk to my friends without feeling insanely anxious about it.


Turns out I'm not very good at friendship circle time.

Remember in Chapter 2, when I wrote about the slightly drunken moment in the field, where all the things I wish deep down that I could do with people --eye contact, honest conversation, physical contact-- were real for a second? When all those things came together, it was like a rainbow unicorn explosion of



I have had plenty of free time in which I have turned things over in my head so many thousands of times that I just have a pulp of memories, slightly more crazypants syndrome, and some idea of what is actually good for me... Turns out, I don't need a relationship to make those things happen. I don't need sex or any of the other bullshit. I just need friends.

I already knew this, of course. What else is this blog about? But I guess sometimes even I forget. Loneliness is a confusing feeling.

So that is what I want to work on, on top of all the other personal goals about my blog, writing, dance training, and other art that I am setting for myself during this next chapter of my life. The most important thing to me right now is figuring out how I can function with the other people in my life in a way that satisfies me. I want to have solid, fulfilling, balanced, and most importantly functional friendships. I don't know HOW to make that happen, but dammit, I'm gonna try. For real.

Life decisions are difficult for me to make. In 8th grade, it took me months to decide what high school I wanted to go to. And I still ended up changing my mind once. Almost twice.





They're all so different!

As it turns out, high school was going to suck no matter where I went. As it does for everyone.... Hopefully college isn't the same way?

But this-- the going home for a bit-- this is something I feel pretty confident about. And that says a lot. I just feel it in my gut. This is what I've wanted for a long time. Hopefully it IS the right choice, but no matter what, I know it will be difficult and challenging. Above all else, it will be a new kind of education. Which I guess I could use.

Wish me luck.

3 comments:

  1. I'm very happy to hear that you are feeling better and have exciting changes happening. I really hope you are happier in Denver. Also i'm stoked to hear that you once lived in Canada. Cause well, Canada rules. (I may be biased)

    ReplyDelete
  2. I am just so sad that you feel so badly. I wish I knew what to say to make you feel better, but I just don't. I can only say that I hope you find your happiness soon.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I've just downloaded iStripper, and now I can watch the best virtual strippers on my desktop.

    ReplyDelete