Thursday, July 25, 2013

The Acro Yoga Date But Not

Part 2 in the Summer Fitness Smorgashboard!

I've never been on a real "date."

I suppose I've made plans and done nice things with the few guys I've had relationships with, but I have never just straight up gone out with someone who asked "to go out on a date" with me or anything like that, or at least not in a way that I thought was serious.

However, I've definitely been in multiple situations where I thought I was just hanging out with a guy and suddenly wondered in panic, " this a date?!?" For example, one time in high school a friend of mine had a male friend who thought she and him were in a relationship, even though they had never kissed, held hands, or discussed the matter. When she appeared to be very uncomfortable around him because of this, he apparently thought it would help ease the tension in their "relationship" if he set up a double date, as if bringing a friend along might make it suddenly not awkward. Yes. That would definitely fix the problem.

Poor fellow.

When my friend invited me to go see a movie with her, this guy, and some other dude at his request, neither of us thought much of it until someone else pointed out that it looked like a double date situation. Me and my friend looked at each other in horror. What had we just agreed to do? I could not back out because apparently I had been specifically requested. This may have been a lie to convince me to go. I'm not sure.

When we got to the movie theater, it was all sorts of awkward, especially because the guy who I was supposedly set up with did not talk to me at all. He didn't even look at me. We sat through Splice, which was possibly the worst movie I have ever seen to this day. Afterwards, we sat outside, still very awkwardly, in front of King Soopers eating Oreos and drinking out of 4 straws stuck into a single gallon of milk... We were in high school, ok? You can't do fun things in high school, it's against the rules. My friend and her male friend were still being weirdly dating but not around each other. The guy I had been "set up with" continued to ignore my existence.

It was so romantic.

You'd be surprised how often things like this happen to me.

Being on a dating site has changed my being asked out experience quite considerably. Suddenly I get five messages a day asking "how did you get into pole dancing," "if you'd like to chat," or "maybe you'd like to get coffee sometime?" I have yet to actually take anyone up on the ever so boring and generic coffee date for obvious reasons, but I have finally officially met up with one guy from said dating site.

His original message to me was actually pretty plain and boring. I would have ignored it completely had I not browsed his profile and realized that he was in fact a break dancer. It has been a not so secret dream of mine to learn how to break dance for awhile. Being able to spin on my head specifically has been on my badass checklist for a long time. (Note to self: make an actual badass checklist). When he told me his specialty was spinning on his head and that he was also looking for an acro yoga partner, I was all in. I wanted him to teach me ALL the cool things and thus increase my badass levels. Maybe I should feel bad for only talking to a guy because there was something I wanted from him...


But I don't.

I guess that makes me a bad person.

Maybe I'd discover he was actually cool and everything would be fine?



We exchanged numbers and set up a time to get together and try out acro yoga. He asked me to come up with a location which was an especially fun challenge because I go all of four places in Orange County on a regular basis: home, school, grocery store, pole studio. Seeing as home, school, and probably the grocery store were out of the question, I of course decided we should just meet in the park next to my pole studio. At least that way I could know that if people were in class they could keep an eye on me and make sure I didn't get kidnapped or something.

I had the brilliant idea to have him come meet me right after my aerial hoop class, so I was nice and sweaty to be all impressive to him. That is what guys like to see in a woman, right? Like so many times before, I was in yet another situation where I wasn't sure if what I was doing was a date or not. We had met on a dating site, but the word "date" had never been officially brought up. Maybe we were just two people who platonically wanted to work out in a really weird way. Maybe. I had no idea. So I was pretty anxious about meeting him.

Pro tip: Always be super hot when meeting new dudes. And by super hot, I mean sweaty.  They'll be really into it. 

He showed up at last and we found a decent spot to do acro yoga in the park which no one actually hangs out in. It's just this giant patch of grass next to an outdoor shopping mall that is just one of many of California's excuses for "scenery" in a suburban hell hole. But it would do.

If you don't know what acro yoga is, let me explain. It is a fused form of yoga, acrobatics, and thai massage where one person, generally the larger and male one, lays with their back on the ground and their feet in the air, while another person, the smaller, female one-- or the "flyer,"-- sits on top of their feet and gets into all sorts of bizarre positions... Because we can?

Here are some pictures if you are having trouble imagining it.

This is obviously the first move we tried. 

I know. It's pretty weird isn't it? But also awesome. I think. 

This guy, we'll call him Brandon, which may or may not just be his actual name (I only use pseudonyms for people I actually want to keep talking to me), kept telling me it was all an exercise in trust as he led me through some basic positions. I found this particularly ironic as I had never met or knew anything about him. For all I knew he could have had an elaborate plan to drop me on my head for no good reason other than the fact that he wanted to be a meanie-head jerk.

But he did not. So that was good.

I sat my bum on his feet and moved around in all sorts of strange positions, holding hands and trying not to stare into his face too weirdly/closely and trying really, really hard to be good at what I was doing. I know it may seem like I am really physically fit and capable, but most of that is an illusion. I still struggle with a lot of basic acro, so even things like handstands are really tricky for me. This became apparent when we attempted to a do roll that involved me swinging my hips into his feet by doing a weird cartwheel in his hands. I failed over and over again and kept landing my ass on the ground. He probably thought I was lame.

Eventually, we gave the whole acro yoga thing a rest, even though it wasn't really that hard for me stamina wise. All I had to was balance. I mean, I suck at balance, but you know. I could have kept going for awhile. But Brandon had been holding me up for some time now and was probably pretty tired. Seeing as how he had at least 80 lbs on me, we couldn't really switch roles.

Instead we sat and talked for a little while, showing each other pole and break dance videos of ourselves and "got to know each other." This is the part where I started to wonder if it was a date, because conversation got into that really weird/boring realm of topics like, "what kind of music are you into?" As if it really matters in a functional relationship if people like the same music. When we got lunch, however, it became clear it was not much of a date, as he didn't pay for my meal. Or maybe he just sucks at taking girls out, who knows? Anyway, I proceeded to offend him by making fun of communications majors and how useless they are (guess what his major was?) and when he started talking about how much he liked food, I got a little too enthusiastic and wouldn't stop talking about how much I could eat. He eyed me really awkwardly as I finished every grain of quinoa in my bowl, like it is weird to clean your plate or something.

 I thought you said you liked food, dude. Come on. Step up.
We parted ways shortly after and said we'd do it again sometime. It's been over a month and I have yet to hear from him again, and it is not like I'm going to try to contact him. It's not that the acro yoga wasn't fun-- it was actually pretty entertaining and challenging-- it was just a weird non-date-but-is-it? situation that I don't really want to deal with again. I don't know why he has not gotten in touch with me. Maybe he thought I was weird. Maybe he thought I was too sweaty. Maybe he thought I sucked at acro yoga. In any case, it'll probably be awhile before I find another guy willing to do that with me.

And I never go to learn how to break dance! Dammit!

Ah, oh well. I'm over it. I'll find another guy to use. Or maybe I'll just pay for classes when I one day have a job. Who knows.

So! In accordance with my Summer Fitness Smorgashboard reviews, let's go over the following:

Acro Yoga!

Best Parts: Flying in the air and being all flexible and badass

Worst Parts: Being so physically close and failing with a stranger.

Who I'd recommend it for: People who like contortion and yoga and other weird things

Would I do it again?: Yes, if it were with a cool person and not a stranger who thinks I'm weird for eating a lot even though he said he liked to eat a lot.

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