Monday, January 14, 2013

I'm a Bad Blog Mommy (FYI: this post is not as dirty as it sounds)

(Warning: I managed to get productive enough to update my blog but not to the point where I was going to like, do my own pictures or whatever. So I stole them. Again. But it's ok because I haven't monetized this blog or anything so it's not like it benefits me beyond making things look more exciting).

Oops. Someone call blog social services on me, I have abandoned and neglected my blog. For like, real this time.

This blog is my precious baby

Actually, that is not entirely true. I knew my blog was still around and thought about it on occasion...I even started an entry a few weeks ago! There were many other reasons why I neglected my blog. Here is my official list of excuses:


1. I was cheating on it with other writing projects

2. I was on vacation. I thought I could leave my blog a little food and water and it would be fine, but apparently not. Next time, I promise I'll get a sitter.

3. I am pleasantly alone and have my own space and time while I am not in California, and this makes some of my crazy-pants-syndrome go away and I don't feel the need to vent by writing cynical rants here.

4. I was gathering material for more blog writing...ignore the fact that this is just a retrospective realization I definitely had just now. I totally planned on this. (But really I have a lot of new things to write about! Hooray!)

5. The mental crisis about my future that I have been having for the past 3 months finally built to the point where I no longer have a fuck what I am doing with myself so I spend all my time dicking around on my iPhone playing "Bubble Mania" and distracting myself with doing as many sit-ups as I can so as to avoid curling up in the fetal position in the corner of whatever room I happen to be in and sucking my thumb.

6. I don't have any real fans or followers besides my mother and some awkward Facebook stalkers anyway, so it is not as if anyone actually noticed or cared or something.

7. I am truly just a lazy bum at heart.


I beg you not to take my darling, precious blog away from me. I know I have had thoughts of going off and starting another, and I know that is wrong, but I promise, I'll do better! Things will change! For real this time, I mean it!

I pledge to you, dear readers, that from now on I will be faithful to you. I will write a blog in a timely manner, depending on how much time I have and whether or not I really feel like it and so on and so forth.

Please take this special edition bonus blog as an apology to my sucking:

Since this blog is really short so far and I need to make up for not writing in over a month and it's a new year (still kind of) and I have to prove myself to you because I am feeling inadequate and have low blog-esteem, here are my
Sexless and Cynical approved New Years Resolutions (that I may or may not have already messed up on):


1. Drink more. A lot more.


Speaking of babies...

2. Exercise until I am beautiful hot sexy fitness queen and everyone can't help but undress me with their eyes until the point where they feel guilty like they've violated a chivalry code or something and I can just laugh in their faces and be too good for them because people were mean to me in high school so that seems like it would feel good.

3. Break new bad-ass ground by dressing up like batman and doing parkour on a regular basis (ok, so maybe I'll just do parkour and pretend I am dressed like batman. It'll be easier logistically. You know, capes and all that mess.)
Exactly how I look when I catwalk on rails

4. Become a yoga instructor for the sole purpose of guiding people on really weird Shavansana journeys at the end of every class, like telling people to visualize themselves stumbling drunkenly around in a parking lot, dancing alone like a lunatic, pondering the meaning of life, and considering texting their ex. Or having them visualize an interracial orgy of people wearing crayon costumes and watching their faces get all scrunched up and uncomfortable as they are helpless on the floor and can't say anything or stop me from going on into the gruesome details of crayola sex because of my status as all powerful yoga teacher....Actually, you know what? I'd have to actually practice yoga, and yoga is way too much work. Scratch that one.

It's tempting though...look how helpless they are!

5. Start pole dancing on the street sign on the corner near my apartment during rush hour. Maybe that will get me a date.

6. Re-enact this scene from Office Space, because seriously, that joke shouldn't be so timeless. It's 2013. Why can't we fucking print things and still remain sane human beings yet??

7. Quit smoking. That one will be easy because I already don't smoke. (I admit I just put this one on here to feel good at the end of the year knowing I've achieved at least one of my goals)

Man I am just really into inappropriate baby pictures right now


8. Buy new socks. Seriously, all my socks are either threadbare or have holes in them and I really need new ones. It's a problem, ok?

9. Read a book that is considered classic literature. Only read it in public though so I impress people by looking all intellectual and fancy. Wear a nice hat while doing so. That will really help convince them.

I'm thinking something along these lines...people will think I am so upper class

10. Buy a nice hat

11. Just really, like, express myself you know? Like, tell people what I really think and be true to myself. (Imagine that being said in a valley girl voice)

12. Crush more children's souls (go for new PR?)

I added another baby because I wanted to

13. Stop neglecting blog. Write things on here, become internet famous, make a lot of money, go clubbin' in a limo, meet Lindsay Lohan, get involved in a new lesbian scandal, get more famous, make more money, own the world, get penthouse suite and butler (name him Chives if not already named so), fund cool technology, become modern female version of batman, BOOM finally get a boyfriend.

All for the man, am I right?



It's gonna be a good year!

-----

(I did make real new years resolutions, of which I would never admit to because they are kind of hard-worky and not very badass, but I made them anyway because I always do. Oh look. How did those get there?)

1. Pole goals 2013. This is a list of it's very own and can be found here
2. Find money to fund aerial acrobat dreams. Possibly pose nude...that sounds like a joke but really it's not. 
3. Publish an article with Cracked.com
4. Submit a spec to nickelodeon writers fellowship and then immediately start working on another for next year when I inevitably don't get accepted because I have no idea how to write a spec and don't stand a chance
5. Work with professional artists/writers by the years end (regular school stuff doesn't count)
6. Write a pilot. 
7. Wake up early every morning for specifically blocked out times to do all my writing and flexibility training
8. Stop neglecting blog. 


1 comment:

  1. I have just installed iStripper, so I can watch the sexiest virtual strippers on my desktop.

    ReplyDelete