Tuesday, May 15, 2012


(I meant to write this on Mothers Day, but unfortunately I was driving across the desert like a beast all day. 800 miles in 12 hours anyone? And that is including stops. Yea, I know, you are jealous.)

Older MILFs...they seem to be everywhere these days. What is up with that? I always thought when you hit 40 you started to shrivel up and let the world claim your physical stature in return for boundless "wisdom," otherwise known as complete cynicism and a notebook of lame regrets. But no, that doesn't seem to be the case anymore. I think MILFs are on the rise, what with so many Craigslist ads looking for cougars because of their "experience." Seriously, have you looked at the m4w ads on there? Every 1 out of 4 listings is looking for an older woman. I worry that it is really going to start hurting my chances of ever finding my true love on Craigslist. Alas, poor me. If I can't find a man on Craiglist all hope must really be lost. Or maybe I just now started to pay attention because of all these ads, because really, everywhere I look is some hot old woman ready to kill it.

Actually, the concept of MILFs has been on my mind for quite some time...basically ever since last February when I joined that hiking club full of old people and I went on a hike where a 68 year old woman beat me up the mountain, and then bounded off to go train for a marathon afterwards. The woman looked not a day over 45. She was not just a MILF either, but a GMILF. At the time I just felt shame in that I could barely lug my own 19 year old ass over the Californian hills, but looking back I just feel awe. I am in awe of all the hot older women that are taking the world by storm these days. I see my friend's mothers, my own mother, and all of their friends and think "wow." Old people really have no excuse when standing next to these people. They are straight up, legit MILFs.

...The only MILF I am not in awe of is the stupid woman who walks up and down the road outside my apartment every weekday afternoon for two hours. She bobs up and down in her tight little pants with her well toned hourglass figure and hair that looks blonde from far away but is actually kind of whitish grayish when you get up close. And every time you pass her she looks straight at you and says "HI!" in a strong, smiley voice. Ugh. Don't talk to me like that lady, can't you see I'm running? I can only ever wheeze back "hi," in a high, breathless voice, revealing that much more of how much I am struggling. Damn her. Seriously though...why does she walk up and down a half mile stretch of busy road every day? There are tons of nice parks and trails nearby...it baffles me. Anyway, she might not even count as a MILF since I have no idea if she is actually a mother or not. If she is, then her boobs are totally fake. Just sayin'

Yes, it initially bothers me that older women can be in better shape and look better than I am. They are supposed to be dying, their bodies are in decay!  I mean come on, these are supposed to be my prime years. I don't like to think this is going to be the best it'll ever get. That thought kind of makes me want to cry and eat a pint of ice cream and hide on the internet for the rest of eternity. Which doesn't hep. On the other hand, looking at all the hot older women gives me hope that there is still time to be super awesome and look great. And with that thought I have formulated a new goal: become a MILF. Because really what is a higher honor than pushing one or more 10lb pink goblins out of a small hole in between your legs and then feeding it and attending to it's every whim for 18-40 more years or until you die and STILL looking stunning? Maybe being president or inventing some important shit, but other than that! MILF is the only way to go. And I am going to become one, or so help me god.

Here is my detailed and outlined plan for becoming a MILF that really breaks down the process into achievable steps. I think it is really helpful in simplifying the whole process.

1. Tone up really good before the whole thing starts so we are at least working with some good framework
2. Find a man
3. Attack him
4. Have his babies
5. Hand the babies off to the man, tell him to make me a salad, and then go for a long run and do some weight training after. (You can't just do cardio only to have a really nice bod, after all)
6. Repeat step 5 every day for the rest of eternity

BAM! MILF status achieved. Doesn't that sound easy to you? Most of the work is in the first step, which according to my plans should last another 10-15 years. So this should be a cinch. I hope it motivates and helps other people out there become certified MILFs as well. Happy belated Mothers Day everyone.

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