Ah Penis, How I Have Missed Thee

Hello again, internet

Right now I should be trying to fill out my 100 question test in order to pass training in my super cool new job, but I felt I have been cruel to my hundreds of loyal fans who are no doubt waiting with bated breath for my next snarky blog entry.

I am here for you, guys. It's all going to be ok.

Obviously, a lot of things have been going on since I last wrote. I have returned to my hometown and started working full time in a very exhausting work environment (the outdoors). Also, people. I have been catching up with a lot of people. I haven't had an extended stay in my hometown basically since the summer after I graduated high school two years ago. So of course people are clamoring over each other trying to hang out with the great world traveler that I am, wanting to hear all about the wonders of California (no one ever really cares about Canada). Unfortunately, I can really only tell them about the inside of my apartment and a little bit about the grocery store down the street where old folks from nearby retirement communities overrun, but that is ok. I just embellish it a little bit and they eat it up.

Along with all the people stuff in my new/old-found life here in Colorado comes my favorite thing: men!

Yes, I am actually interacting with the opposite sex again. (Ok, I know there were boys at my school. But none of them count. Trust me on that one) It is pretty exciting really, being around so many more boys. I can feel my invisible penis re-growing into the magnificent beauty that it once was. It is a truly glorious, elated feeling

For those of you who have not heard of or experienced the presence of my invisible penis, let me explain.

I discovered the existence of my invisible penis back in late 2010/early 2011 or so when I was living and attending school in Canada. I started to notice my ability to get guys to become very friendly with me, but their adamant determination to stay on the friend side of the line. Rather than assuming it was because I am a terrible flirt and my tendency to recklessly throw walls between me and just about every person on the planet, I theorized that it was because of an invisible penis attached to me that had somehow started growing. It fuels me with good ol' testosterone that drives me to do very manly things like pee outdoors when drunk and never talk about my feelings, but more importantly it signals to other men that I am an awesome bro. But nothing more. Because that would be gay, right?*

I like my invisible penis. Having it around makes me feel way more relaxed about hanging out with dudes because we both totally know we are just bros. And I don't have to feel anxiety about anything more happening. Also I like guys and also hanging out with them. They are often more straightforward about pretty much everything. It balances me. Plus, being bros with guys makes me feel more badass, which we all should know by now is the most important goal in my life.

However, I think my "sexy meter" has possibly also increased, likely due to my pole adventures and the fact that I have turned a noticeable amount of fat into muscle recently (and I am not just saying that--other people are). I say this not because I am totally narcissistic and think I am hot stuff (both of these things are true, but that is completely beside the point) but because of how my interactions with men have been affected in a seemingly conflicting way by my invisible penis and my very real female anatomy. The results have been quite...curious.

Let me elaborate.
Here are some recent interactions I have had with the opposite gender that display said conflict.

(Disclaimer: I am definitely not exaggerating or reading WAY too much into my interactions with these guys. They all clearly want me)

1. My new job requires me to sword fight with foam swords at least 4,267 times a day. Right now, I have just been in training with the other staff members, none of which I have ever met before, but all of them are really awesome, albeit incredibly geeky. The staff is about 50/50 male-female, so obviously I am meeting and interacting with a lot of new dudes, which is totally cool. But is it me, or are they wailing on me with particular vigor? I just keep getting completely beaten in sword fight duels. I think it is clearly some kind of advance on me. I mean come on, that smile on their face after victoriously beating the crap out of me with the sword is totally flirtatious! Totally. They may run off to face other opponents after they are through with me, but they always come back to me for more.

2. Almost every guy I have talked to in the past week and I have had some seriously intense and flirtatious conversations about cartoons. It is so sexy, the way we can excitedly relate about television created primarily for children. Right?

3. The other night I attended a beach/bonfire party after dark. Beach and bonfire being a relative term here in Colorado, of course, but you get the idea. It was classic: young people sitting around a fire on a lakefront, roasting hot dogs, hanging out and doing young people things. You know. Anyway, I was expressing my desire to have myself a nice, juicy wiener, but my laziness to get up and grope around in the dark for one. Without any persuasion at all, a guy immediately offered to get me one and then did so. ...All I am going to say is that you can read into that however you want.

4. The same thing happened with a marshmallow about an hour later, with a different guy. Once again, take from that what you will

5. And once more, that same night I was sitting in fairly close proximity with one of the male species. It was getting kind of windy and cold at that point, so we were sitting pretty close. In a very romantic gesture, I lent him my girl scout camp hoodie. He graciously accepted it. We talked for pretty much the rest of the evening after that. It was like out of a movie. Kind of. Almost. If I were a man.

6. At a different party I recently attended, a guy was flirting(?) with me. I am pretty sure. Or maybe he was just very high. He kept finding me to talk to me for some reason, which is usually what I interpret as flirting.  In any case, after telling him I am an animation student his flirtation mainly consisted of pitching me a cartoon idea about a superhero who has super-PTSD powers. As much as this seduced me, I managed to ward off the temptation by aptly saying I needed to pee and then avoided him for the rest of the night.

7. Speaking of being high, finally I received the greatest of all romantic gestures: being invited to share a joint. This is Boulder, after all. It doesn't get more romantic than that. I was flattered, but I also turned this one down.


So yes, clearly you can see how difficult it has been for men to interpret what kind of behavior to exhibit around me. Should they be hitting on me, or just hitting me? Should they be retrieving me wieners, or just hot dogs? Is it weird to want both? Poor guys, they must be really confused. Suffice to say it has resulted in some entertaining situations for me. It will be interesting to watch this battle between my genitalia to see which set will win them over. I wouldn't hold your breath though, given my track record and the title of this blog, my penis is probably going to be victorious. I guess we shall see...


*Not that I am saying there is anything wrong at all with being gay!