Saturday, March 24, 2012

And You Wonder Why I Relate to Tina Fey

I have a confession. I have not been sticking to my "diet." ...Pretty all.

I've been doing really great at the exercise thing. I have exercised 5-6 days every week for the past 2 and 1/2 months, save the one week I fell sick/had midterms. I have got the exercise thing down! But the food thing...not so much.

Take, for example, this cake. My father had this cake delivered for my birthday. It was very nice of him. They even managed to spell my name right. They did not, however, get my age right, but that is ok. I was tempted to take this cake to a bar and use it to convince them to give me a beer. I bet it would have worked. Who doesn't believe the writing beneath a cake? It's foolproof.
The cake arrived last friday. I let it sit the whole weekend because it was so pretty looking and I felt bad about eating it. But on Monday, when the other cake ran out, I started to dig in.

By Friday afternoon, this was all that was left. I could have eaten it even faster, but I wanted to make it last.

Don't get yourself confused, I did not share this with anyone, including my roommates. I half-heartedly offered for them to have some once maybe one time, kind of...and then ignored their presence around my cake for the rest of the week. It's my birthday cake, right? I eventually gave up trying to serve myself slices. The shape didn't really allow for easy cutting and I just felt more comfortable huddling over the box in the corner of our tiny kitchen, eating straight from it until I started to feel sick. I couldn't help it. There was a layer of cream in the middle that was just so good.

And this is what is wrong with me. This is why it is so hard for me to "diet." Let me elaborate with all the dysfunctional ways I act around food:

-I have a weird compulsion to eat until I feel sick. The reason I used to look forward to mac and cheese night so much was because I would sit down and eat the whole box and get a horrible stomach ache afterwards that was weirdly satisfying.

-I will eat anything offered to me (unless it is icky and gross of course.) I have no shame in being impolite and accepting food. The easiest way to gain my affections is to offer me food. Especially good food. Like donuts. Cream filled donuts. Mmm...

-I absolutely abhor sharing my food. Well actually, I hate to share a lot of things. Remember when I said I was a really selfish person? I wasn't kidding. Anyone in my family could tell you that I don't like people touching my stuff. But especially my food. The only reason I let people eat my food is because a.) they gave birth to me or b.) it would make me look bad to say no. I am amazed when other people are so generous with their food. It baffles me.

-I will eat even when I feel completely full. For example, one time I went to a movie and bought an extra large popcorn, thinking I would share it with my friends. They didn't want any, so I ate the entire thing. The tub was the size of my entire torso, but I devoured it. Afterwards, I felt horribly sick. My friends were then hungry and decided we should all go out for Indian food. And I still ordered and ate some Indian food. Because I wanted to.

-I can come up with literally any excuse to allow myself to eat something crappy for me. "Ugh, I'm on my period,"or "Oh, I am feeling kind of sad today," or "I am having a bad hair day,"or "My socks aren't matching," or "This looks yummy," or "Well, since it exists..."

...Wow, the more I write about this the more it sounds like I have an eating disorder. But that is just silly. It isn't like I am fat, right? (Yes. That IS right. Got it?!?) Just neurotic. And even if I did, it probably would come up pretty low in importance on the list of mental and emotional disorders I no doubt could be diagnosed with.

I don't know how you could explain my behavior. I bet Freud would tell you I have some repressed trauma from my childhood. I did grow up with two very hungry brothers. If I didn't eat it as a kid, I knew they would, so I would always jump on the opportunity to eat something. I used to hoard my chocolate in little hidden spots around my room so they wouldn't get at it. Some of it is still there, rotting away in the stale corners of my desk and sock drawers. But lots of people have siblings. Do those people execute the same neurotic behavior as me? ...well...given the state of America, maybe....

But the point isn't why do I act this way. ...Ok, well, maybe it is. Maybe figuring that out would solve all my problems. But I don't think so. I would like to say that it is just a matter of starting to eat healthy foods. But I do eat healthy foods. I get 5 fruits and vegetables every day. I have 4-5 servings of protein and I usually drink at least 6 glasses of straight water, not counting the water I get from other food sources. But I just also have lots of other things. It doesn't help that my roommate has started a weekly movie night in which half a dozen people come over every weekend bearing bounteous gifts of terrible junk food for us to feast upon. And by that I mean mostly me. Because I will sit by the table like a guard dog and eat endlessly, like a machine. Did I mention I am a boss at eating?

So what am I to do? I will never become a super badass fitness lady eating lasagna every day (hey, someone had to finish that thing off!) I need to buckle down and cut out the crap. From here on out, I will commit myself to eating better by eating less sweets and carb-loaded meals. I must do this. It is absolutely necessary. Unless I am on my period. Or if I am sad. Or if my socks don't match. Or if it is there, on the counter, in front of me...

Oh dear. This is so hard.


In other news, my boyfriend application is still up! It earned me over 200 views last week, and compared to the usual 40 that I get, this is quite significant. However I am still rather appalled that only 5 of these viewers actually submitted a completed application. I mean, why wouldn't you want to be with me? (Please ignore entire above post)
So, here's the official deal. I am going to give it 3 more weeks. So far I have gotten some pretty entertaining answers. If I can get another few handfuls more, I might actually have enough material to work with. So, you heard me! 3 weeks! Fill it out!

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