Rebel with a F**king Stupid Cause

I have kind of turned the whole badass thing on its head these days. I am actually becoming a stereotypical, rebellious badass.

This is what I look like lately, if you haven't seen me in awhile:

First off, I left my school awhile back, as you probably know. And with the way things have been and all the stress dreams I have where it is declared it is time for me to go back to California and I subsequently burst into tears, it looks like I may not be going back. I don't even know if I'm going to stay in art school anymore. I'm looking into transferring to community college, that is how well things are going right now. I once was considering Ivy League schools and here I am not even really wanting to enroll in a community college, I dislike school so much.

My future is so bright.

I went from the typical, mainstream straight shot through education I always thought was my destiny to  wondering what the fuck is going on constantly. By choice. A weird, panic-driven choice.

What a rebel.

Secondly, I'd like to point out I'm dating a guy who kind of has a mohawk. My family is aghast.

I recently got some minimum wage jobs, just to quit them two months later. I'm sticking it to the man. It's not that I am too much of a baby to deal with working in the service industry or anything.

The other day, I ditched class. Just because I felt like it. Wild, I know.

Well.. that and I also wanted to throw more money at my girl/pole-crush, Marlo Fisken, and take her improv workshop after doing her $900 instructor certification all weekend.

I'm only like, completely in love with her. I'm so shy around her that it's like I am in middle school all over again. 

Did I mention I am broke?

I also got some much needed time on the hoop during my school ditching time.

Yea. I ditch school to workout.

In other news, 

...I may or may not be in huge trouble in Canada?

I don't really want to elaborate on this. But it could be really, really bad. Because of this, I am just going to avoid the problem and hope it goes away. Only lame, responsible people would deal with their problems.

Not me man.

I'm not equipped for that kind of thing. Hell yea.

To add on to my possible criminal charges, I got my second parking ticket in the past two months last Wednesday. I rebelliously parked in a spot on a street sweeping day. I'm going to pay the $100 price just to prove a point.

A point about how I don't want to get arrested.

Yet.

I'm sure it's coming, considering this downward spiral I've been going in. The next thing you know I'll be getting belligerently drunk and try to break in to the zoo and go frolicking in the pachyderm house because it has always been my dream to swim with the dolphins.

When I get arrested for it, the joke will be on them. Pachyderms are actually way cooler than dolphins.

See, the thing about my identity crisis is that part of "my thing" is that I have always been totally responsible and well behaved. I'm a semi-rich white girl who has always gotten everything she asked for. (Except for that horse I wanted so badly from ages six through ten, which I still resent.) I've always appreciated getting everything I want and at the same time feel extremely guilty my life has been so easy. I should have tried harder to make it worse. I should have given away all my things, gotten a terminal disease, renounced my parents, not learned how to read, etc etc. But I have always tried to make up for it by trying to be the most hard working and well-deserving person I could be. Until now.

Why?

Because I don't know anymore.

I'd like to call it an on-going nervous breakdown, but I'm not sure I am quite worthy of that title yet. I wish. Then I could go to a crazy house and people would stop expecting me to do things and I might be able to return to functionality.

Hopefully it's just a phase. If it isn't, maybe I'll just end up living on the street as a bum when my family finally gets tired of me slacking on my responsibilities and stops supporting me, as they surely will. I mean, I'm never home for dinner anymore, so I'm already walking the line.

Part of me loves breaking out of my box and is excited about all the possibilities for my life. Part of me hates it and it going through major anxiety and every few hours my insides turn to this:

During this time, my vision goes blurry and my heart starts racing and I just do my best to forget about the fact that I am screwing my life up and try really, really hard not to have a panic attack in front of everyone.

On top of everything, there is this postcard from my dentist reminding me it's been over a year since my last teeth cleaning that has been sitting on my desk for a month. It has got this stupid cute, smiling dog that mocks me every day, serving as a reminder of what a failure I'm becoming. I can't do so much as schedule a teeth cleaning. I've even got insurance that covers it. What an ungrateful loser I've become. An ungrateful loser with dirty teeth and plaque build up. I'll admit it: I don't even floss.

I don't deserve that insurance coverage. I haven't earned it.

Dammit you stupid happy dog. Stop mocking me! STOP!


On the bright side at least I'm not pregnant yet? There was a brief moment where I thought I might be, but then I wasn't. So at least the universe gave me that.


Yaaaay....?

So now, just to make up for me being totally unaccomplished, here is a little something full of pretentiously large words to make me feel cool: 

I must find sophorosyne beyond vorfreude. Every time I think about my potential and numinous future, I know I must overcome my current koyaanisqatsi. 

I am full of fernweh. I just want to be nemophilist sometimes and enjoy the sillage of nature, relishing in my life erlebnisse. I know I can contribute to the world in the name of meliorism, even if it is just through ostranenie. Somehow, I will be a smultronstalle. Let's move beyond this mamihlapinatapai and experience rasasvada. Let's admit to acatalepsy, even if it means we'll be overcome by weltanschauung. Sometimes I feel as if I am drowning in hiraeth, but I know if I can be a nefelibata, I can live in firgun with someone else. Let me go on a metanoia now, a dérive. I can feel the orenda, the need to leave sehnsucht behind. From now on, my life will be gezellig and simple, with tsundoku, cafuné, and happiness. So be it. 

Who's the dumb one now?

....

"Just a reminder!" my ass. You're trying to make me feel bad. I just know it. STOP LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT.