Sunday, October 6, 2013

Jobs I'll Never Have.

If you couldn't already tell, I'm currently full swing in identity-crisis fun times (yay early 20s!) I am scrambling around in a pool of anxiety trying to discover what the fuck I should do with my life. Because even though literally EVERYONE over the age of 30 keeps telling me I have tons of time to figure it out, the whole empty-bank-account and no-real-life-skills things keep nagging at me. Like, a lot.

I think it was Steve Jobs or The Dalai Lama or Carmen SanDiego that said life isn't about figuring out what you want to do, it is about figuring out what you don't want to do. Well the good news is that I still have no clue what I like doing for real and I have noticed a couple of things I really hate. SO I've already ruled out a few things, which feels good because it really helps me define my quest for life purpose. Really.

Potential Careers I've Ruled Out:

Disney Drone

I won't let them brainwash me. They'll never get me!! NEVER. sdjkhfalkdhgaKJHLKJGDKFGKZJDBGNKB!!!

-The Evil, Tyrant Disney Corporation has removed this section-

Unicorn Tamer

I know this blog is called "Sexless and Cynical," but truth be told I'm not actually a virgin (can you believe it??!) and I really don't want to get stabbed by a unicorn horn, as glittery and magic as they may be.

Pant Suit Lady 

This one is for real. I work in the University of Colorado business building, and although there are a lot of fabulously dressed women that come through, I can't imagine myself ever wearing a pant suit and not immediately hating everything about life. It's hard enough for me to get up in the morning and put on a pair of jeans, or heck, even yoga pants. Why can't I just have a pantless job, or the very least a suitless job? Is that so much to ask?

Homeless Bum 

Although I would definitely catch up on my beauty rest and be able to set my own hours working this job, I really like sleeping in soft beds as opposed to, yknow, concrete. Just saying.

Salad Artist

Unfortunately I already have this job. Yep. My position is really called "Salad Artist." It's a bit ironic, because every time I get excited by the color palette of a custom-made salad, people look at me like I am crazy. The only part that is legit is that I get paid way too little and eat a lot of food that is supposed to be thrown away, just like a real artist.

Super Famous Blogger 

Welp. It's been almost two years and I am still not famous yet, so that is probably not gonna happen. (Really, who would have thought crappy doodles and buttholes wouldn't go viral?!?)

Smart Person Girl

I gave up on pretending to be an intelligent, well-read person awhile ago. No, I don't understand calculus, I don't know any chemistry to save my life, and I really don't want to talk about politics. I'm not cultured, nor will I be an engineer, doctor, or some other smart person job with bazillions of dollars. If I ever get mega-rich, it will be because I finally successfully fooled people into joining my Cult of the Almighty Moosicorn. 

So now that I have these things ruled out, it is onwards and upwards toward my life calling! Hooray!?

1 comment:

  1. Before you quit your salad job, can you steal one from work and give it to me?