Sunday, April 1, 2012

Meri's Foolproof Method To Not Have A Boyfriend

Hey girls! You know what are so annoying? Boyfriends. Gosh, they just really irritate me. Call it a pet peeve, but I mean, you always have to see them and talk to them and text them about absolutely everything, including all the pointless things that happen to you that no one else in the world would ever care about--telling them what you ate for breakfast and how you saw a shriveled up dead worm on the sidewalk this morning and it made you feel a little sad. Isn't it annoying having to keep them updated on everything?? Their demands just never end! And then you are always having to hang out with them, feeling like your life is so dull and meaningless while you waste away hours just spending time with someone you genuinely like and getting to know them. Do you know how much I could get done in that time? I could waste so many hours on Facebook. And the whole time they are always complimenting you and being nice and doing nice things for you. Seriously, talk about lame. That is why I never have a boyfriend if I can avoid it. I just don't have the time to put up with being nice to someone, even if it is in exchange for sexual favors.

I know what you are thinking. "Meri, you are SO right. I always have so many men fawning over me and being all generous and gracious to me, trying to my boyfriend or whatever. I am sick of it! What can I do?" Well, good news for you, you have come to the right place. I now present to you, for the very first time, my very own foolproof method of how to avoid having a boyfriend for long, long stretches of time, all based off of my very real experiences of trial and error and I have endured. These are secrets that have never before been unveiled, so just brace yourself.

Before I start, I suppose I can't have ALL the credit for being the genius that I so clearly am. I'd like to thank my friend Kelsey for posting her own foolproof method of how not to have a boyfriend on her Facebook, which served as the inspiration and basis for this post of mine. It was quite hilarious, and very close to my own experiences, but I felt the need to expand upon it. For the sake of children... whales ...women?
Yea, I think that's it.
Ok, here we go.

Meri's Foolproof Method To Not Have a Boyfriend

1. Keep on constant alert for attractive men. Seriously, constant. Never let your guard down, or you might accidentally miss someone you are attracted to and you will be unable to avoid their eye contact/presence at all costs, which brings us to the next step:

2. When you DO see someone you think is attractive, look away. Frown as much as you can. Slouch and stare at your toes. Look around at all other females in the area and convince yourself you are completely inadequate as you can. Do something weird like chew on your hair or talk to yourself in low, violent undertones. Wait until they walk away before acting normal again. Go home immediately and don't come out for another 2 weeks, just as a precaution.

3. If you are lucky, you will never see that person again and all will be well. However, in some unfortunate circumstances you may have to endure their presence for a long term basis. This will often develop into what I classify as a Level 1 Crush. A Level 1 Crush is usually a fairly superficial crush based mostly on physical aspects of the person in question. It is not too dangerous, but left unchecked this type of crush could go awry. Once again, avoid all contact with the person you find attractive, and you should be fine.

4. The above behavior can be kept up for extended periods of time without a hitch, but occasionally someone will slip through the cracks, usually when you accidentally have a conversation with said attractive man. If they are cool enough that you are still attracted to them, you will develop a Level 2 Crush. A Level 2 Crush is just that. Physical attraction meets a charming/dynamic/interesting/whatever-floats-your-boat kind of personality and common interests. This is ok, this is just the next step. Do not panic. Well, actually...

5. Panic. Feel even more inadequate. Spend all your time and energy thinking about this person and how cool they are and how you are no where even close to their league. Facebook stalk them as much as possible just to convince yourself that they are even cooler and you are even less worthy of them. But give yourself enough hope to keep you up in bed all night thinking about them and wondering if they would ever want you. Waste away in this manner, spending as much time as you like feeling anxiety over the situation. 1 week, 2 weeks, 1 month, 6 months, 1 year, 3 years, 5 years... I've done them all, and they are all as equally destructive to your self esteem, so no worries, you can't go wrong. But the longer the better really. The more time you waste on this step, the less time you will have to actually have a boyfriend.

6. Start talking to him more often and make yourself look as dumb as you possibly can. Try to be creative in this regard. Careful if you just go for nerdy or derpy---some guys are into that. Be obnoxious and strange....uncomfortable strange. This will prove how unique and special you are. Describe to him all your exes/past crushes and any horribly traumatic pubescent stories you can drag up from the depths of your repressed unconscious. Also don't forget to mention things about him that you would clearly only have known about if you had Facebook stalked him.

7. Text him every day asking if he wants to hang out (once get his number from anyone but him, of course). Always be loose with your proposed plans in the hopes that flexibility will make your desperation seem even more attractive. Do not be disheartened by his constant refusals. I'm sure he's just really busy.

8. Keep steps 5-7 up at a persistent rate until one of the following things occurs: 1. He tells you he has a girlfriend/is engaged/is married/is actually more than 10 years older than you or 2. He cuts all contact with you and/or moves as far away as possible

9. Pretend you don't care.

10. Actually care. Eat a lot. Feel inadequate a little more. Write terrible poetry. Buy yourself a nice vibrator. Be the "downer" amongst your friends for awhile. Be the slutty hot mess at all the parties you go to. Make a major life decision that you really should not make while under any duress. Whatever you need to do, do it. Just remember to pile on the pathetic-ness-- that is the important part.

11. Finally get over it, because even you are starting to get sick of how lame you have become. Also you kind of had an STD scare after one of your more recent self-indulgent drunken hookups, and you just can't take that kind of stress anymore. Pick yourself up and embrace your independence. Go back to step 1 because you are starting to feel good enough about yourself and believing you might possibly be attractive to someone else--inevitably noticing other men and starting the process all over again.


So that is it! Simple right? Just follow these steps and unless you look like Jessica Simpson or some other A-list star, virtually every guy will have no absolutely no desire to be your boyfriend. Congratulations, you are free to go out on multiple girls night out events every week and drink way too much wine and vodka! One day you may even get a couple of cats! Aren't you excited for what your future holds??

If it is so easy though, how do so many women go wrong? Well, usually around step 5 or 6 some women will actually have enough self confidence and sensibility to make the right moves. This leads to a Level 3 Crush which is attraction based out of everything from a Level 1 and 2 crush, but also more complex and now including mutual feelings for each other. This almost always leads to a relationship, and yep, wouldn't you believe it, a boyfriend. Those poor souls, they probably have no idea what has happened to them. So stay away from this path. If you do get caught up in a relationship somehow, don't worry, breakups at our age are frequent and if it lasts longer than that, never fear: over 50% of marriages end in divorce these days*, so we can  assume that most of them will come to their senses and see the light eventually. Better late than never!

So yea...Anyone else thinking book deal right now? I could get so rich off this content. Oh yea, and help people and stuff. That too. Great idea, or great idea?

Also, in an ironic circumstance, the application to be my boyfriend is still up and running. I know you guys are intimidated by how awesome I am, especially after that video I posted, but don't let that stop you. I know you want a slice of some crazy pie. Everyone does, in the end.

*I totally made that up, but I may have heard it on the internet some time so maybe it is real? 


  1. Meri, Meri, Meri.... Haven't you learned anything from your mother?

    The very best ways NOT to have a boyfriend:

    1) Tell him you really, really, really want to be married. And have seven kids. Or even one. And you hope he makes lots of money because you believe in staying home with all the babies. Lots. Because he will need it to support your gambling habit.

    2) Never have sex with him. There. Done. Or have sex with all of his friends. Without video taping it.

    3) Move a thousand miles away.

    4) Date Slag. Or someone just like him. A total commitment phobe. They are out there. Keep looking.

    Watch. Learn. But your way sounds pretty good, too. Can't say I have much experience with men hanging on my heels and telling me they adore me -- Not unless they weigh 400 pounds, anyway.

    Nice job. XO

    1. I'm not saying there aren't other methods! These are just the ones that have worked for me.
      Unfortunately not a lot of guys hang on my heels either. But I like to pretend that they are.