Thursday, April 19, 2012

Men and Dresses: They're the Same Thing Apparently

I had an epiphany today. A very important epiphany that I am going to write about to take my mind off my horribly, horribly maimed computer, which I can't even type this on, because I killed it so badly... Oh boy. This isn't helping already.

And no, it is not that I am an idiot. Given all the stupid stuff I've been doing lately, yea, that one is already pretty obvious, even to me.

No, it is that I apparently approach the seeking out of relationships and online shopping in the exact same way. I also find irony in the fact that I tend to do both online anyway.

I get a lot of ads for a clothing company called ModCloth on the side of my Facebook page. Now, I usually ignore most of the ads on Facebook in general. I read them, sure, to see how well Facebook is stalking me and how much they can taunt me with ads about dating sites, singles groups, vibrator specials, etc, but I never click any of them. Ever. How Facebook has come to be one of the richest companies ever  from these ads is beyond me. The one exception I have made has been for this one company. Because occasionally a picture of a really cute dress will catch my eye and my inner girly-ness will get the better of me.

Sometimes, I just look at the thumbnail and decide that actually that dress is kind of a disgrace to fashion, but other times I will become intrigued and click away, wanting to get a better look. And again, sometimes I will decide that the dress is ugly and close the window, but other times I start to like what I see.

I read the details, get the close up pictures, read people's reviews about the dress. A lot of the dresses I eventually reach the conclusion that the fit would not be right for my body type and size. But the site will suggest other dresses that you might like and I can get lost in a whirlwind of clicking through dress after dress, imagining the potential each could bring to my own appearance. It's so exhilarating! It is just like real shopping, only without the clothes! But then all excitement ceases as I find the one.

The one that really gets you attention, you know? Maybe it is that dress that you SWEAR you imagined years ago in your head that has suddenly come to life before your eyes, or maybe it takes you by surprise. Doesn't matter. It is, like, sooo cute, oh my gosh! My inner girly-ness is screaming in a desperately annoying and whiny voice, using passive aggressive guilt trips to try and get me to buy it.

The thing about ModCloth though is that all of their products are way more than I would ever pay for anything. Ever. I am cheap as an old grandma. It's rare to find a product under $40 if it's not on a final sale. And you can't return final sale items. I will sit and stare at the dress, debating. I may leave it and come back for days at a time, desiring it ever more, but not willing to pay the price. And then I let it go. It disappears from my mind, my inner girly-ness no more than a mere whisper in the vast empty space that is my brain. Recently, I actually saw a girl wearing a dress I lusted after last December. It made me very sad, because it really was a cute dress. But life must continue on, dress or no dress.

Ok, so take that and extend it to a metaphor about men. If you are having trouble with this, here is the short version:
I take note of men but try to act all cool, but then I see one I like and get all mushy and interested, I stalk them on the internet to get to know more, I make up my mind, I finally find one I think I actually really like, I get all anxious and weird about it, I forget about it. The end. Oh and sometimes I see them later and feel sad. The real end.

I like to think that this is the reason why I am still single, and not the fact that it is actually probably because I am crazy and guys are afraid of me. Oh no. I am just not willing to pay the price! I have standards, you know what I am talking about? They have just got to be the best damn thing since zebra cakes to meet my requirements!

...Ok, fine, maybe I am just a huge chicken who never likes to take any risks. But hey, returning things through mail is difficult! You have to go to a post office...and buy boxes...ugh. Just not worth it... I'm not sure how that metaphor extends to boys. Actually, I wish you could return a guy you didn't like at the post office, never to see him again, and get all your money back* I guess that is the difference between men and dresses. However, considering the fact that almost 80% of my wardrobe is no less than 4 years old because I am too cheap to buy new things (I spend all my money on food instead), maybe I should consider just learning how to buy a dress before I figure out dating and shit.


Alright, it's way past my bedtime, so I shall end by saying thank you for joining me on this impromptu blog. It has been a pleasure, as always. MERI OUT!

*Actually, all you have to do to get that result is tell him you want to get married within a year/are pregnant/are actually a man. ZING! Ok sorry, I couldn't help myself.

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