Wednesday, December 25, 2013

Things That Rock About Christmas

I woke up this morning sick once again, probably from the infection I apparently have that I should have apparently known about from the interesting colored phlegm I've been coughing up every morning for the past two weeks. SO. I opted out of drawing and instead decided to lay on the floor. I threw some stock google image photos up here, but I'm sorry to deny you my amazing art. My lack of dedication is probably why I am not internet famous yet. Oh well.


Ok, now that I have complained about everyone's favorite consumer based holiday a bunch, it is my chance to redeem myself. Let's pretend three spirits visited me overnight and I had some radical, life changing visions of my past, the present, and the future. Not that I don't think about that crap, like every night, minus the ghosts. I wish ghosts came to me every night. That'd be baller.

Really though. There are some pretty okay things about this holiday, so I will go over them for you now, because maybe it will put us all in a better mood.

Things That Rock About Christmas 

1. Having two parents who really care about you. And they are forced to show it.

For all I complain, I have parents who take very good care of me and even though they are starting to contemplate whether or not they spoiled me too much while raising me now that they have to introduce me as the girl who "couldn't handle California," they pretty much have no choice not to love me on Christmas. So ha. (Hint: they did).

2. Free stuff!

I am such a cheapskate. I decided to start training without excessive grip aids in pole awhile ago. I told everyone that "I don't want to be so reliant on them." But the truth is, I don't want to have to pay $15 a month for a tiny bottle of dry hands. That's way too much for my pocketbook. I only have two pairs of pole shorts that I have to clean every week because I don't want to have to shell out $20 more even though I could desperately use some, especially now that I've worn out my favorite pair so much they are loose in certain moves and I'm pretty from the right angle people can get a good look at my hoo-ha. Christmas is that one time I year I can just get stuff, no questions asked, from other people.

And yes, I do ask for dry hands. And I usually get it.

3. Foooooood.

Even though I hate gaining weight, I really, really like to eat. Like. A lot. Food is the best thing ever next to pole dancing and probably pooping and sleeping and sex. Actually maybe not sex. And sleeping and eating are kind of a toss up. Christmas is abound with extra food, much of it free. Most of it is rich, flavorful, and jam packed with sugar. Mmm my favorite!

4. Extra naps.

Speaking of how awesome sleeping is, Christmas is a great time to catch up on napping. In the day leading up to it, you live a life where you routinely wake up, eat some breakfast, sit on the couch, fall back asleep. Maybe you wake up again in an hour, you eat some crap, you walk around the house until you resolve there is nothing better to do than sit down on the couch again, where you fall right back asleep until dinner time. It's heavenly.

5. Movie time extravaganza

Tons of good movies come out around Christmas time, either vying for a spot at the Oscars or for $60 from the family wallet that is trying to do something that will force everyone to spend time together and a movie just happens to be a convenient way to do that without actually having to listen to one another complain (too much). Those of us who actually enjoy movies that are not just boobs-cars-guns-and-explosions like most of the summer blockbusters feature really get a kick out of this time of the year at the theaters.

6. Drinking! (Free drinking!)

That's not water, by the way.
Ah yes. What else to do during your family bonding time than to drink? A lot. Bring on the bottles of wine that someone else paid for. Always pour another. Get drunk without anyone noticing... Or do they? Who knows? Who cares! It's the best! You get to forget for small moments at a time how alone you are in the world and how depressing life truly is and how annoying this holiday is! Weeeeeee!

Don't forget about all the warm drinks as well. I especially like when you walk into a coffee shop and some rich person has paid for the next ten coffees to make them feel better for hoarding the world's wealth.

7. Socks

I like wool socks with stupid stripes on them, and so does Christmas. We have this one thing in common and that is how we bond.

8. Twinkling lights.

Oooooh pretty.

I dunno. I guess I'm weak for pretty things.

9. Putting life on pause

While it is annoying to have to put your life on hold, you can also think of it as putting your life on pause. This is a much better spin on the whole thing, as you finally get to take a break from all the normal hectic chaos that is your life and dive into the hectic chaos that is Christmas life. We all need a little change of scenery now and then. Doing so lets us take the time to consider our normal lives so that when we come back to them, we can try to do a little bit better at them. At least for a few days when we forget all our self evaluation and really just want a fucking nap again.

10. Candlelight during Christmas Eve service

I live my life year round pretty much as a heathen damned to go to hell. Christmas is the one time I can really be guilted into going to church and I really only do it then not because I love the service's similarity to a bad community concert at the old folks home or the sub-par organ playing or even the sermons about Baby Jesus that I totally do-not! space out during. I really only like it for the end, when everyone lights candles and sings silent night. I'm not one of those candle-crazy people that have a bajillion scented candles at home and light them all the time for no reason, but maybe I should, because they really are quite calming and beautiful. This kind of goes with the twinkling lights thing, I suppose. Hey, I'm only human.

11. Excuses, excuses, excuses

Christmas is the greatest excuse you can come up with in December. It works for pretty much everything.
"I shouldn't spend so much, but hey, it's Christmas!"
"I shouldn't eat so much, but hey, it's Christmas!"
"I shouldn't be so bitter, but hey, it's Christmas!"
"I should work harder, but hey, it's Christmas!"
"I should be more creative and come up with better blog posts, but hey, it's Christmas!"

12. Christmas Christmas Christmas.


I couldn't come up with anything else but I felt like I should do twelve so it could be even with the things that suck about Christmas and I didn't sound too much like a scrooge. So…christmaschristmaschristmas. Christmas,  Christmas Christmas Christmas? Christmas! Christmas.

Merry Christmas everybody.


  1. Great post, Meri. And so un-cynical! I, too, think pooping is great.

  2. I've just installed iStripper, and now I enjoy having the sexiest virtual strippers on my taskbar.