Sunday, September 8, 2013

Online Dating: The Saga Continues

Believe it or not, I've still got an online dating profile up on OkCupid. I have yet to run into anyone I know yet, but I assure you that as soon as I do I will take my profile down out of embarrassment. Until that day, however, I shall continue to torture myself with the depressing online dating world. 

It's fine. I just avoid the whole dating part of things and life goes on. You know. 

It's been a couple of months, so I thought I'd grace you with some of the nuggets of joy I've discovered and received on this site. It's so great when I stumble across these sorts of things because most of the site is just one big depressing and boring pot of genericness. No one knows how to write about themselves so they all just blend into one, personality-free blob of "man-profiles." I feel so sad because I think some of them are probably genuinely very nice or interesting, but I have no idea and thus will never talk to them because of it. Not that it really matters because even when I do start a conversation with someone who has managed to make themselves interesting, if I get even remotely excited or like "I could maybe stand meeting this person," it always somehow dies out right then. But I will talk more about this in an upcoming blog. For now, just sit back and enjoy this ride. 

First of all, I've noticed there are two main types of guys on OKC. One being the poetic, dramatic, and emotionally complex guy: 

And then this guy: 

They are both such gems! How would I ever choose? 

Honestly, I kind of have to swing towards the emotionally complex men. They are just more fun. Less predictable. Take this guy, for example.

 I mean gee. A dreamer. A social experiment. EYELASHES?!? Hold the goddamn phone. It's almost like he is a 13 year old female unicorn. Or something. I don't know. I do know I am fascinated. 

(Do you ever look at someone and immediately notice their eyelashes? I don't think I've ever looked at someone and noticed their eyelashes) 

Actually, there are an AMAZING amount of men who claim that they spend the majority of their time thinking about philosophical questions and concepts. Like, A LOT. 

We all know this is bullshit because men really only spend their time thinking about two things: sex and food. They're human. It's natural. Actually, women do too, it's just less socially acceptable for us to talk about it. I actually had the balls to admit to these things in my "I spend a lot of time thinking about" section. Because I am a real man. 

While we are still talking about poetic drippy men, I'm just going to leave this here. I found it one day and spent the next 45 minutes smiling with glee. It was the only thing on the profile. 

I bet he gets a lot of dates with this bad boy. I have something similar written in a notebook I kept when I was 14 years old. 

Oh! And speaking of men who like poetry: 

 I can't decide if I like the fact that there is a typo in "Iambic Pentameter" OR the fact that he randomly capitalizes OR more. Also just the material in general. I like movies and music! We're probably meant for each other then, huh?

This guy really had his priorities straight.

Needless to say, I did not message him. Because I clearly think of myself as god's gift to man. I'm glad I didn't waste HIS time. 

Here are some men that did message ME, though. 

LOOL. How funny that he asked me what I was up to in broken english. Hilarious. 

I love this one. It's like he forgot he messaged me something crude and offensive two weeks earlier. Yea, I am sure he thinks I am just chalk FULL of style and class. 

Also, note the username. A wee bit terrifying if you ask me. Just a little. 


He actually had a really good point. 

If I was also in Dubai I'd probably be thrown in jail for pole dancing or just wearing booty shorts in public... But at least I'd have a boyfriend?

I don't know why. But I just love this. Like, so fucking much. 

I do like "macaronies," stranger. No one ever asks me that. How thoughtful of you. I am touched.

Multiple men comment on how I look like some chick from Game of Thrones. I was first told this when I worked at Nerd Camp last summer and we were all sorted into Quidditch Houses or something and everyone was like "Oh, you're that wild-thang girl who hooked up with a snowman. She has red hair and you red heads are basically all the same, right?" 

Or something like that. 

I don't watch Game of Thrones, so yea. 

Actually, one guy on the site rejected me because of this. No joke. The transcript is below: 

I would have been offended, but after getting multiple messages like this: 

I dunno, I guess your standards just go down. Like, at least he is speaking to me like I have values. Kind of. 

Some guys try really hard to make this sort of thing ok. 

"I just want to have meaningless sex with you because I think you are hot but don't value anything else about you like your personality or your intellect or anything that you have accomplished or basically are except for a vagina, some boobs, and a nice round ass. I'm not going to give you any respect or any of my valuable free time. Let's just hook up so I can use you for your body and nothing else. BUT NO DISRESPECT OR ANYTHING." 

It's like when two guys suck each other's dicks and then say "no homo" afterwards to make it all ok. 

No. Just no. 

I like this one because he gave me so much to respond to:

He greeted me four slightly different ways. I mean, how could I not say hi back?!!?

If you could write children's books, you could also probably spell "meals" properly. 

Actually he was the first. And so far the only. 

Definitely a serial killer. Or maybe just a plain ol' rapist. If you're lucky. 

He sold himself so well. It's like walking into a job interview, sitting down and saying, "To be honest I have no experience in this field or have ever had a job in general. I am awkward and smell weird, I don't know how to interact with people, and don't have the slightest clue as to how to use a word processor. But I think this job would be fun! Will you hire me?" 

Um. What. 

The commas. Oh the commas. 

I am scarred for life. 

(Also what does it mean that my personality is "inclusive??")

I asked him if he used this line on multiple women. He admitted that he did. De-nied. 

Last but not least, this was one of the best. This is only just a paragraph from a several page long "proposal." It was copy and pasted from a man who admitted to sending it out to thousands of women in hopes that the right kind of woman would see it and go for it. It went on about who he was, his relationship history, and what he was looking for. It was his fourth version of the proposal, by the way. Yea, he'd sent it out that many times. It even had a FAQ section. I kid you not. It has been far and away the most fascinating thing I have seen on the site yet. 

So yea. I've gotten quite a few, uh, interesting messages and most of them I do not respond to. Especially the scary ones. But sometimes, I just can't help myself. Like this time, for example:

Or this one: 

And finally, I shall leave you with a collage of only a fraction of the guys who ask me about pole dancing and what got me into it. I am sure it a fascinating subject for them, but you can only give the "I was bored and wanted to work out and I took a class and liked it a lot" speech before you just want to scream and punch things in the face. 

I should make it a game and start making up a different story for everyone who asks.

"Well, I was hunting savage dildo-monsters in the jungles of Sweden when..."


  1. Hey Meri,
    This is one of the funniest things I've read in a while. You poor thing; you're too creative and smart for these internet sites! Take heart, I met my husband on Eharmony. :)
    Natalie (from Unveiled Fitness)

  2. You kind of rule. I mean that, really. BTW, there is a super hot guy who teaches parkour to my kids. Were you there around drop off or pick-up, say to take a class or something, you could check him out.

    1. Thank you! And oh my god I know, I drool every time I walk through the gym to get to VF. I'm dying to take a parkour class, but right now my schedule just doesn't have room :(

  3. Okay. I have to comment again. That is the funniest thing I have ever read. "Emasculatingly strong"? "Fucked carnally"? Does this actually work?

  4. Best post yet. Because it's true.

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