Wednesday, June 19, 2013

An Unemployed Young Adult's Guide to Doing Really Awesome Productive Things that are Totally Good for Their Souls

AKA My Life as a Cat. Which makes sense if you know anything about how cats live. Also if you get this movie reference you win all the cookies.

I haven't had a summer job in over four years. I like having jobs usually, because I can make money and do stupid little tasks for them and have friends at the same time and stuff. Some of my summer jobs have been pretty boring. For two summers in a row I worked for Target, where pretty much all I did was rearrange things on shelves and help annoying people. It was obviously quite lame, but I liked looking at all the stuff they had to sell, especially during the summer seasons. They always had super fun, colorful things like beach towels and plastic utensils in the seasonal section. It made me feel all warm and fuzzy on the inside every time I walked past it. But I have also worked at some places that actually are awesome, and don't just have the illusion of being fun! Namely summer camps. My last job at a summer camp consisted of telling ridiculous stories, constant improv acting, fighting with foam swords, and attempting to crush children's souls on a daily basis. It was the most exhausting and challenging job I've ever had, but possibly the best one too (my co-workers were also totally boss). It was also the most well paid job I've ever had. Which is kind of sad because it only paid $10 an hour. But it would've been $10.50 if I had gone back this summer. So ha!

I don't currently have a summer job, which is very weird and uncomfortable for me. I hate being broke and barely being able to afford even just fast food twice a week. More importantly I have absolutely nothing to do with my time. Where are your friends, you ask? Why, I have none! What about this summer class that is supposed to take 40-50 hours of commitment every week, you say? Why, I just don't give a fuck and haven't been trying very hard! Instead I have spent a lot of time laying around in bed, re-watching the most amazing teen drama murder mystery show ever (hint: It starts with "Pretty," ends with "Liars," and has a "Little" in between), and feeling sorry for myself and confused about what to do with my future. Can you say "the best summer ever?!?" I can't! I'm too busy weeping into my spoonful of peanutbutter!

It's not like I have not been trying to make my life a little less pathetic. I have had many fulfilling experiences which I shall now outline for you below as a guide to all the other unemployed, under-educated young adults so that you too can be as awesome and have a life as thrilling as mine. I have hand picked these selected items in the hopes that they will bring you as much personal satisfaction as they have brought me in the past few weeks. Enjoy.

40 Things Unemployed Adults Can Do that are Really Awesome and Productive and Totally Good for Their Souls:

1. Stab some grapefruit rinds with a fork on the porch all morning long for no apparent reason.

2. Research getting into the stripping industry.

3. Watch trucker vlogs on youtube.

4. Reread the entire Harry Potter series for the fifth or sixth time.

5. Steal cookies.

6. Eat all the cookies. Resolve that they will never be skinny enough to be a well-paid stripper.

7. Stare at walls.

8. Cry in your car when no one is looking. Or when they are because who really cares.

9. Cry basically any time of day in any place because you are constantly being triggered into emotional breakdowns by any random depressing thing, such as bad traffic, a sad song, admitting you need to be a responsible adult, and the fact that Denny's ran out of blueberries and can't put them in your pancakes at 1 AM on a Thursday.

10. Go into public and become amazed/terrified at where all the random people came from. Seriously. There are so many people in this world. Who knew! But where the hell do they all go at night?!? Homes or something?? How is there that much space in this world? I only ever go like, three whole places! Since when were there other people and places and things and stuff!?!

11. Vigorously clean the house you just moved into which clearly hasn't been cleaned in about a year.

12. Fart freely, and often.

13. Marvel at how smelly farts can be.

14. Marvel at how often you can fart.

15. Watch numerous Disney Channel original movies on Netflix, especially if they've already seen them before.

16. Need to do basic math for some reason and take over an hour trying to figure out simple algebra because it's been three years since your last math class. Feel accomplished when you have the revelation as to what you were doing wrong a full day later.

17. Be a normal Californian and try going to the beach only to be rewarded with a sunburn on your ass.

18. Be so lazy that you only just watch other people smoke pot. You aren't even motivated enough to smoke it yourself.

19. Take multiple naps per day.

This is basically my typical day in a nutshell. Although sometimes I pole dance in the mornings and get an extra farting session in during the evening. 

20. See how long you can go without showering before you can't stand it anymore. (My usual length of time is 2.5 days).

21. Look at porn of hot women. When you are a woman. Who is straight... Hey man, their butts are just really pretty, ok?

22. Forsake your underwear because... why the hell not?

23. Not do homework.

24. Go to the grocery store at 10 PM on a Friday night to buy Ben and Jerry's single serving cartons of ice cream so you can eat them in your car and feel sorry for yourself.

25. Stare at cats outside your window who are being more active than you are. Live vicariously through them.

26. Sleep 10 hours every night on top of the 2 or 3 naps you have every day.

27. Eat goldfish and mac n' cheese like it is crack. Seriously, your hands shake every time you take too long in between bites.

28. Watch a spider crawl across your bedroom wall and still decide to sleep in the nude because it's my summer dammit and I'm gonna live on the edge!

29. See the same spider the next day and decide to kill it. Smack it multiple times with a shoe and on the final smack, the spider mysteriously disappears and you must remain forever in fear, not sure if is dead or alive and is coming back to take revenge.

30. Discover the amazing patterns in which you can get sunburnt. Most recent discovery: the candy cane.

Get yourself the coolest summer tan line ever! All your friends will be so jealous, especially when you start peeling.

31. Drink almost an entire bottle of wine on a Saturday night alone in your kitchen while contemplating crashing a graduation party that you can hear across the neighborhood thinking it might be a fun adventure but it's probably too pathetic in reality.

32. Drink alone just in general. It is a really good practice to take up, trust me on that one.

33. Make conversation with strangers online as frequently as you can. Do this while after drinking alone for the best results.

34. Commiserate with your other socially dysfunctional pals, generally over Facebook chat because it's not like you really want to connect with other human beings or something. This is also good to do after drinking alone.

35. Drink hot chocolate every day even though it is the middle of summer. Make sure to put marshmallows in your hot chocolate to be a true gangster.

36. Discover all the software training and tutorials on and decide to queue up over 30 hours of instructional content. Sit down with a notebook and start watching attentively, determined to learn programming and web developer skills you always wished you could learn... Oh wait, no, sorry that one was a mistake, that is actually productive or something. Scratch that.

37. Get fed up with life and finally start making headway on the half dozen writing projects you said you were going to finish this summer... Ah! Oh god why does this keep happening, I'm sorry, must be some sort of technical error.

38. Go on fun, outdoorsy adventures trying things you've never done before like kayaking, where you can enjoy the sunny coastal scenery, fresh air, and --Ack! Sorry! So sorry! That one actually sounds good for you, I apologize deeply for all these errors. We are experiencing some technical difficulties and I think we need to take a short break to try and fix this issue. I really am quite sorry about that. In the meantime, enjoy this picture of cute kitty cat. It should keep you thoroughly distracted until we can return with our regularly scheduled snarkiness and cynicism.

Have a nice day Sir or Madam. 

1 comment:

  1. I've just installed iStripper, and now I can watch the sexiest virtual strippers on my taskbar.