Hey guys, remember how this is me all
the time?
Yep! That is me alright. Oh except that
I am white. Oh and also I am actually really super lonely and totally
wish I had a guy in my life.
Ok, ok. I know I wrote a blog about how
awesome it is to be single recently. And it is! Really! Don't get me
wrong, I enjoy my independence probably more than most pathetic
single chicks do. Ahem. But when you by some great incident actually
commit yourself to feeling something about someone else other than
complete disgust or indifference, even if it is just the tiniest bit,
and things don't work out, it can really, really suck. Considering I
only manage to find people I deem worthy about once or twice a year,
it is always especially devastating when they inevitably do not
reciprocate any whiff of attraction.
So I guess if I am going to be honest
(and I don't really want to be, guys, trust me. It is difficult for
me to admit any kind of weakness-- particularly when I am attempting
to write a blog about being a badass-- but I feel like we have built
up such a close relationship that it would be wrong to violate your
trust, internet), yea, I feel kind of sad about being single lately.
It is the contrast really, that gets me down so easily. As soon as I
picture myself with someone, it is really hard to face the truth of
reality and realize they don't feel the same way, especially when you
prolong your desire over the span of several months. It is as if for
the past three months I have really, really wanted a piece of
cheesecake that has been sitting on my kitchen counter all this time, only
to have to face the facts that for some strange,
irrational reason, I can not have the cheesecake. Maybe there is a
magical forcefield around the cheesecake and it is wilting away into
nothing like in Beauty and the Beast or it is being eaten by mice or
my roommates or the cheesecake prefers other girls. The reason does not really matter. It is just so cruel! So unfair! All I want is
that cheesecake! So I get all sulky and cranky and end up having to spend
all my time in coffee shops as it is to only place to go where I can be
productive because
I get too distracted at home trying to drown my sorrow in games of
Tetris and staring at the wall.
So...
that is where I am at in life right now. Having been raised as an
over privileged suburban white girl who always gets everything she
wants one way or another, not getting things I want is completely
unacceptable. It makes me mad, really. Because personally I
think I am awesome! When I look in the
mirror every morning, I see the most badass, attractive, fake
red-headed pale freckled pole dancing writer chick in the whole
entire universe staring back at me. Sometimes she has really gross
pimples or unwashed hair, but for the most part, she is pretty much
the definition of perfect. And I love her. Seriously. It is most
upsetting that not
everyone else perceives me as the most awesome creature ever to grace
the planet, for whatever strange reason. I cannot imagine why. It is
not like I am really weird or awkward or self absorbed or kind of
mean or anything! Geez. Get with it, guys.
I
just don't understand why other people-- single, attractive,
intelligent, and hard working young men in particular-- do not fully
realize how great I am. Because I am. (And I will keep saying that
until you believe it). I feel as if the rejection I receive is often
premature or uninformed. And in the end, it is not even really that I
need a boyfriend! If I somehow managed to get one, it would
probably be similar to one of those situations where you buy a
phoosball table or trampoline. It is really awesome for like, a week,
and then you get bored. You start to wonder what the hell you were
thinking and don't know how to get rid of it. So you stuff it in some
corner of your basement or garage, forgetting about it completely
until the day comes when you move away and leave it there for the
next owners to deal with...
Alright,
so maybe that is not the perfect metaphor.
What it really comes down to is merely the principle of people underestimating me. I feel like
frequently in life I come up second best, primarily because I
severely lack proficient social skills, and it is frustrating.
Sometimes I just wish I had a straightforward, no fuss method of
showing people I am awesome. Like a demo reel or a resume or
something. I was thinking about this very matter and that is when I had my revelation. Why not do it? Why
not just write a resume of awesomeness?
I
already made the boyfriend application (I still totally have
submissions just pouring in. Totally. Yea). So why not do my part and
meet everyone else halfway? It saddens me that there is a necessity
to do this. Really people should totally just absolutely love me and
want me right off the bat, but I guess life does not work that way and sometimes people need a little
push. Since I am so great, I am willing to give that push. I will go
110% at this, even if it means pushing everyone right off the cliff.
So come on you little lemmings, follow me!
I
now present to you, my Badass Resume of Awesomeness (click to full view):
